Rebuttal to The Attraction of the Swirl

After receiving this email, I realized that interpretation is everything when communications is involved.  After getting the gentleman’s permission that sent me this email (who’s real name is not Ray) did not surprise me one bit.  I had the pleasure of interviewing the woman participating in this situation and I will post the transcript later.

Hi Jausan, my name is Ray and even though the article had a lot of specifics on stats about interracial dating and marriages, there is one thing I must take issue with, the number of people openly accepting interracial relationships.  I have personally been in a relationship with a married black woman for some time.  She is the wife of a preacher in Georgia and every other weekend she makes her way down to Northern Florida for a good time.  I met on her a year ago on a popular black dating site. I have read others articles you have written about swirling and all of the points you make are valid, but in certain areas it is not so readily accepted.  My wife and I share her together and the situation is now causing problems for us because many of our friends are not appreciative of blacks.

I also understand that some black women look at this as a step up in society by being with whites, but I can tell you that when she is with us she likes to role-play the slave-girl and I wear the confederate costume.  The wife loves seeing us together and since we started this little thing, we have found more blacks and white couples into this fantasy play.  So even though there have been some changes in the attitudes of people, there are some that stay the same.  I am not a racist, but our friends loves being defiled and called the N word by me and wife during sex.  We would never use such a term, but she insist that we do.  I just wanted you to know that there are some people that have arrangements that may not fall in line with the politically correct version of American culture.  By the way, the piece about the marc-auctions are true.  We attended two this summer outside San Francisco and in South Carolina.  My wife and I know it may be wrong, but we have accepted it and our friend and the people we’ve met regardless of race like the thrill of it.  You may repost this email, all I ask is that you do not publish my email address, or real name… Thanks.

I will keep reading and hope you address more on this topic.

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The Truth About Lying in Relationships

Jausan Logo The Truth About Lying in Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

tumblr_mad1k0YD9N1rxax1go1_1280    There is a truth about lying in relationships and both parties have to do it on occasion to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings.  The problem is that often times these lies can lead to a misconceptions about the status of a relationship and the self-perception of the partner.  There are five fundamental threats to a woman’s happiness in a relationship. 1) her own insecurities, 2) the fear of wasting time with their chosen partner, 3) another woman internal (friends) or external (other women) invading her relationship, 4) her partner losing interest in her, and 5) the most dreaded, her weight. 

As you can see 4 & 5 are tangible concerns in that they are directed related and are elements that fall flatly on the shoulders of the woman.  In general women are hardest on themselves when it comes to issues pertaining to the body.  In most cases they prefer to either avoid thinking about it or working on it in some way to enhance it. Some men use it as a weapon to control the female much like a mafia extortion tool to empower themselves in order to control behavior such as exercise and diet.  The goal is to make the woman feel as though she has done something wrong by getting fat.   The situation is then used as cover for infidelity or other activities that can threaten her and the relationship such as breaking-up or divorce.  This is when a lie can be perpetrated by those guys who exploit this insecurity.

    How many times have you heard a woman complain about her weight?   Most often the guy may not be annoyed by it as long as the sex is good.  In fact, some guys have a serious fetish about on dating or marrying women whoa re gross over-weight or out-of-shape.  They like the abundance of the woman like a child laying in a water-bed for the first time.  But one major thing that comes about is that a guy with this preference may lie to the female and encourage her to gain the weight, not to cheat on her, but to place her in a place of dependency and in extreme measure immobility.  The objective is to continue a perpetual trend of ensuring that she will not leave him.  The thought process is that she will remain attractive enough for him, but repulsive enough to lessen her chances to meet a better catch.  Now, there is a distinction between loving someone who is large upon meeting them and being concerned about their health without the constraint of “lose all of the weight or else”.  However, men will also need to grow-up if they meet a woman who is a size zero initially and then has several children.  Many women spread after having children and retain a certain amount of weight afterwards.  And one foot note, the celebrities that make claims about losing the baby-weight varies, because we never know ow many specialists they can afford to hire to undergo the process.

Guys who are into this sort of fetish may actually become angry if the weight is lost because there are men out there who like cellulite and stretch-marks because they think they are sexy.  Yes, and for this reason, larger women wearing tight-fitting clothing that many would make double-takes to stare at the spectacle, they are confident because someone told them they look good.  Some people may call these guys “Chubby Chasers”, but even in that realm of humanity the fantasy out-weighs the reality of health concerns.  And sometimes a larger single woman may dress provocative just to get the attention because the rationale is that she only needs one good guy out of the pack.  These women are very keen on this and even though some may laugh and point, there is a man, woman, or couple that would love to bed them.

Of course there are others that insist on wearing the clothing you used to wear back when they were a bit shapelier and by doing so after many pounds later it may serve as a bit of therapy for someone to notice them.  What they are doing is exactly what slimmer women do, but they are ridiculed for their size more so than their other attributes.  The misconception is that if others lie to her about how attractive she is when it is obvious that she is not, then she may believe them to a point of taking the social flack.  Usually, women who are large and provocative develop tough skin over time and this has a lot to do with being under-appreciated by society as a whole.  The media influences our self perceptions and being that 70% of advertisement is geared toward women with a message that challenges their current status, this reaction is normal.  The toughest part of dealing with a guy who has such a fetish is to distinguish when you best interest is placed in jeopardy over his desire to fulfill a fantasy.  In concept, this is a selfish move on his part. 

One of the main complaints among men about larger women is the lack of flexibility during sex.  However, a man may still find himself dating or being with a larger woman despite the criticism.  No matter what, these women need to be loved like anyone else and sometimes they may need to go that extra mile to feel appreciated and take a break from the social criticism and just be themselves.  The Biggest threat is a patronizing (not loving) partner that only sees his fantasy being met based on a larger size woman.   

 

 

 

The Downside of Discriminatory Dating

The Downside of Discriminatory Dating
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

The term discriminatory dating has implications far greater than the obvious norms of ethnicity and race. This practice is usually engaged by people on a subconscious level when it comes to choosing a date. The discriminatory dating practices are very subjective and has less to do with the person available for dating more so than the person choosing to date.Some people prefer to avoid dating people that are short, obese, too talkative or for some other obvious reason. Others may not be so physically prejudicial and instead defer to other aspects of the individual such as past experiences, medical conditions, or social and political beliefs. If a person attempts to compile the criteria too much, he or she will most often wind up alone.The results are evident on the numerous dating sites where men and women are in perpetual dating mode due to the figurative character they hope to meet.To complicate matter further, they may register with even more dating sites to increase their odds.

It is not uncommon to find someone registering with a service in 1998 and not finding someone in 2012.The reason for this is because these people rarely change and honestly believe that they are doing things right. Astute people on these dating sites can pick up on this pattern and discover that the act of date acquisition is more important to them than actually being in a relationship.Another reality is that there is a likelihood that those genuinely seeking a relationship with fewer requirements would view a person exercising discriminatory dating practices as someone that likes to sleep around or waste time. These folks will be passed-over with mention and they may common have a first and last date with a possible catch.

One major turn-off that is a red-flag for those seeking a serious relationship are the long page-long paragraph of the person being sought for romance.The longer it is, the more the reader discovers that the potential relationship would be more about them than about the couple. Also, this smacks of a bit of selfishness on the part of the person. A sample of an ad is below:

Single White Female Seeking Mr. Right!

I am a 35 year-old divorcee that has heard it all. Men I have dated have not measured up to my expectations so be original and be real. I have all of the things that a good man wants and this is what I am looking for in a man.

I want a man that is white like me, must have a job, a car, and no kids or past girlfriend drama. He should be about six-feet or taller, have great teeth, either blonde or brown hair, blue or green eyes and live within a ten-mile radius. He must not be into drugs and must be seriously seeking a long-term relationship. He must not be into porn, loves to go to church, like romantic dinners, and walks, and attend art galleries for showings. I am not into men that have had sex with other men and I am not interested in being with another woman, so don’t ask. He must not drink, gamble, or smoke, and I am not into Momma’s boys or grown male children either. I expect doors to be opened, flowers, and my Birthday to be a priority. He should love me and have his own place without roommates. If you can measure up, give me a call. Krissy krissy@xxxxx.com

This sample advertisement taken from one of the popular adult dating sites establishes the point that the person disclosed very little about herself, but made serious demands for the other party. If a person looks at this ad closely, they will see that Krissy has a closed mind to racial diversity in her personal space, and has a negative disposition toward men in general that conveys hurt and anger. If you look at the wording, she is more interested in the requirements of her partner than allowing the partner to evaluate her. This also means that because she is only disclosing very little about herself that by being a woman she is exempt from scrutiny or vetting. Guys realize that a woman with all of these qualifiers without providing an incentive such as more about herself in comparison is discriminatory dating. It is also to understand that by being divorced, she could possibly trying to counter the elements she has found in her ex-husband and the men she attracts.

The irony for Krissy is that by running this ad, she is attracting the same kind of men. The guys that would fall into the category that she desires pass on her every-time. Also, another angle to understand is that all of the things that she cares not to tolerate are the very things that she does. With limited disclosure as in this sample, a guy would be hard-pressed to have the motivation to pursue her. Also, it should be noted that by what she failed to disclose about herself told more about her in her demands. This excerpt is from an actual ad that ran, but the person’s name is not Krissy to protect privacy. But this is a situation that clearly establishes why too much discriminatory dating is not goo.

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Throughout life we will meet those individuals to date that friends, parents, and others may not approve of for whatever reason.  Sometimes these concerns are legitimate when it comes to a person’s welfare, safety, or dignity.  And sometimes it may stem from actually losing that individual to another through a relationship.  Change is the toxic word for many people coping with friends, family, and others that relationships with them do and should change.  However, there are some that may feel as though they are entitled to consume the space in the life of the person despite relationships and or marriage.

Disliking someone is usually the justification for many friends, relatives, and family members to stay involved with the mechanics of their loved one’s relationship.  How many times have you seen mothers and fathers attempt to break-up their daughters and sons from potentially viable relationships.  The hardest part for many parents is actually letting go.  This form of letting go is nothing more than a change that parents are not willing to accept based on many of the following attributes:

  1. Their own individual bad experiences in the past.
  2. Judging their children by the failed relationships in the past.
  3. The fear of being abandoned and forgotten.
  4. The loss of control over someone they have had for decades.
  5. Ruining or damaging the family’s reputation by associating with the other party.
  6. Fear of their child being harmed or used by someone for their body or financial means.

Fear of physical abuse or exploitation.

These are only seven of the plethora of concerns parents may have when it comes to their children dating or marrying someone.  If you noticed, all of the concerns are negative and this can be fed in a way that would bastardize the reality in which they face, especially if others with supporting negative opinions put in their two-cents.

Now, of course these concerns are valid and the son or daughter must understand that there is both an element of best interest and an element of personal interest in the outcome.  This means that the potential partners may have to prove themselves as worthy and Yes, in some cases a chance to do so may not become granted.  One element that is common for parents is to classify their children as too good for a certain person even though they have met the social standards and criteria.  In this case a sense of personal vanity on the parent’s part trumps the love that the son or daughter may have for their potential partner.  This is one of the elements used in arranged marriages where the parents knows best and the relationship is nothing more than a peace-offering to merge families together for a greater good beyond the scope of the two people.   To put it mildly this is a pluralistic and selfish approach to implement an agenda that uses the couple as pawns in a larger game.

It should be said that the majority of parents allow their cons and daughters to make their decisions when they are of age to do so; however this parental supervision may bleed well into adulthood if not checked properly.  The challenge for most people in relationships where the potential partner is disliked is much like being an attorney representing an innocent party until proven guilty.  There will be hear-say, assumptions, prejudice, and any other thing that can be used to color opinions.  Most often is there is no fault with the person they may then broaden the scope of contempt to ethnic group, geography, family, history, or any other technicality that promotes doubt.

The son or daughter is now faced with a crisis in many instances to be the mediator between family and friends and potential partner.  This is where many people have difficulty because they do not want to displease those closest to them and do not want to lose a potentially viable relationship that could make them happy.  In all decisions there are three choices 1) Change things for the better. 2) Change things for the worst, and 3) Do nothing and allow time to pass.  The third choice is the most common course of action because it requires little effort and allows the son or daughter to empower themselves as the mediator.  In this case, the keep both relationships, but such a decision is only a band-aid and is very short-term.  A common thing to happen is the potential partner may pressure the son or daughter to fix the issue with the parents or they will move on.  An ultimatum to put it lightly.

Once the potential of losing the relationship is exposed to the son or daughter, he or she may think that the partner is turning against them, but instead they are request that they take the lead in the process of reconciliation to avoid conflict.  Sometimes the potential partner may attempt to address the parents autonomously, but this rarely works because the individual has already been devalued in the minds of the parents.  The frustration comes from the potential partner in the sense that he or she is wasting valuable time in a situation that is not directly related to him or her.

What many people fail to realize is the way the son or daughter handles such a situation may be very telling about the way they will deal with adversity in the relationship or marriage.  While mentioning the  “M” word, some would like to assume that problems will be solved. The only change is that you will be married, but the crater in the relationship remains with the parents and the protection of oe day down the aisle will not give the son or daughter the respect desired.

The larger problem is simple, the parents, family, friends etc. do not have confidence in your own judgment even though many of the things you use in your assessments of mates were taught by some of the very same people so it is more of an indictment on their life-lessons for you.  Also, a common thing that some parents may do is marginalize you and your opinion through the eyes of you as a little girl or little boy even though you are grown.  In this sense it comes down to parents that don’t want to let go.  You should remember that your maturing means that they are aging and getting closer to the grave during to the cycle of life.

Others may try to live vicariously through your relationship to correct some of the mistakes in their lives.  Yet, some parents may legitimately see some short-comings from the partner; however instead of criticizing them since the parents know how important this person is to you, they may be helpful in assisting him or her to recognize and address those issues in a constructive manner.  A good rule of thumb is to briefly look at the relationship objectively and if the rationale does not add up to the accusations then more than likely an agenda is present.

The one thing that may a flawed strategy is to think that your partner is going to fight the fight on your behalf and that the integrity of the team will survive.  So many people have failed using this approach.  In fact more than likely the partner will leave because he or she did not sign-up for family counseling.  Again, another intro into something that would benefit all parties, but as expected this may be controversial and getting family into such an endeavor may prove daunting.  The usual reason for rejecting counseling is largely due tot he fact that the parents see the partner as a the problem and they did not need counseling before he or she came along.

Rumors are another weapon used to solidify their position whether it is truth or a lie, it does not matter.  The credibility of the sources are not placed into question and therefore the number of people can be exaggerated in agreement with their opinion. A forth-coming article will address in more detail dealing with family, and friends.

When Should You Let Go of a Relationship?

Break All Day!
Break All Day! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When Should You Let Go of a Relationship?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

The word commitment is a very strong one in the terms of relationships and some people bind themselves to others based solely on it.  However, there comes a time when the risks and obligations out-weigh the benefits. People are usually slow to admit they are wrong because it reflects a bit on their character and judgment. The emotional attachment is the equity put into a relationship and the last thing a person wants to hear is that the relationship is failing or if neglected, has failed.  Friends and family are commonly the first indicators when it comes to seeing something out of sync in a relationship and it comes down to the brave soul that is willing enough to tell the person on the losing end.  Today with Twitter, Facebook and other social media, relationships are started and terminated without the luxury of meeting face to face.  Women commonly have more difficulty in a break-up in a relationship than men based on social norms more than anything else.  A man is expected to remain strong and not shed a tear in front of her.  Women on the other hand may go to further extremes in order to sustain the relationship.  In so many ways, women are the nurturers of the relationship, ensuring that the integrity of it remains intact, they set the pace and tone of the union.  Men provide the logistics for the endeavor to flourish. This is a 50/50 situation.

Unfortunately, when one member of the relationship decides that he or she wants out, there are a lot of things that come to light.  Relationships are an emotional experience that becomes part of one’s routine, giving people purpose, and shared responsibility.  In many cases when a relationship dies, the purpose of an individual comes into question.  Think about couples that have been married for decades and suddenly there is a divorce. The woman may have to take more time to adjust to a new role not only in relation to being single, but in the sense of losing the status associated with someone married including friends and associates.  There is a great sense of loss.

Women are usually the fighters for relationships and may be harder to convince that all was done to salvage them. This is especially true when it comes to women with children.  Their interest is the priority and keeping the family unit intact becomes vital.  Counseling is a way that many modern women attempt to retain a relationship that is in jeopardy or fix issues that are sticking-points.  However, rejection by a partner is no easy feat to master and personalizing that rejection heightens emotions.

The best practices for protecting yourself from being potentially hurt begins with the introduction of your partner to friends and family.  Take notice of their initial reaction to him or her because there are things that you may not see. Remember that all people have experiences and some may see things that may be red-flags to avoid.  If you are just getting to know this person, don’t be so quick to become their advocate in respect to friends and family because if it is a bad start, things can only get worse.  If things go well initially and you notice some problems, discuss them immediately and do not do what some do by letting it fester and become part of the relationship.  In the case the two of you reach a stale-mate early on about an issue, you and your partner may try counseling by a licensed professional. However, if he or she fails to participate or gives good lip-service just to get through it, cut your losses early before too much emotional capital is spent.

Before going into a relationship it does well be to mindful that it can end abruptly and you should have a strategy to deal with it.  For instance, if he decides to shut down completely and state he wants out without reason or comment, it is natural to try to effectively communicate.  You should not dwell on it too long because if you do it will become more of a personalized rejection that is far harder to manage than a situational rejection.  Some people attempt a post interview with their partner once it is announced that he or she is leaving, this only works if the other party is willing to discuss the matter. If you have effective communications in the beginning, it helps if he or she cares to discuss it.  What you must remember is that shutting down and wanting out is a selfish act on the part of the other person and your feelings, equity in the relationship and time are irrelevant to that person at that point in time.

Before accepting this individual back into your life if and when they decide to open up, you should protect yourself emotionally and approach the interaction as if you are beginning anew with objectivity and skepticism at the fore-front.  The other party will have to use full disclosure as to the reason for shutting down and you should express to him or her about the cost you have undertaken during that period.  It would be wise to allow him or her to measure up to the level of trust they left with, do not give it to them again at the same level initially. View it as an employee that left the job unannounced and they are reapplying to work for you again.  Bring him or her back as an intern and monitor their progress through the stages.  Leaving the emotional and sexual elements out of the process will eliminate him or her coming back to a sexually comforting situation.

If you do not decide to allow this person back into your life, void the guilt and stick with the facts as they were when the individual left because if it was done once, it can be done again and the words, “I’ve changed.” are meaningless without the protracted actions to prove this change. People have certain opportunities to be in your life at certain points in it and the duration is entirely up to you.  In the event of a spouse or partner passing it is understandable to become emotionally torn for an extended period, but you cannot dwell on memories and must live for the person you loved that died.

The whole process of letting go is based on your time and how you let go is the key. Fighting for a relationship just to have the children’s  father in the house while being at total odds is not healthy and could lead to even more complications.  Also, fighting for a partner that insists on cheating is not the answer and turning a blind eye to infidelity benefits no one, not even the other person because as he or she has deceived  you, they will deceive another.

Make sure that you have thought out an emotional protective strategy and plan to protect yourself in the event of the demise of a relationship and understand that the world does not end with divorce papers or a break-up but begins with the first step toward your future growth.

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Women and Marriage in 2012

Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

Jausan
“Women and Marriage
Editor-in-Chief
Romance Referee ™
Santa Clarita, CA, USA

There are a persistent number of women that actually have no intention to marry unlike in the past.  In many ways some women view marriage as a burden of sorts.  The perception is that not only would another person in their lives is a liability, but also view the reality of being single has more to do with personal independence than anything else.  Decades ago when this trend was popular in the 1980’s among men, the perception was that men were being selfish.  This trend at the time bucked the tradition of men seeking wives.  Now, during the 1990’s the trend was slightly reversed and this could be attributed to the state of he economy at the time.

However,since The Great Recession of 2008 the trend had declined in 2010 according to the United States Census about 50.7%of American men and women are married either with spouse present or absent.  Even though the current number of married couples out-number those unmarried means that the popularity of marriage is in decline.  There are no solid numbers to comprehend the number of couples that actually divorced or separated due to the crisis.  Quantitatively, there are implications that the popularity remaining single among women is becoming more of a reality.

In some ways this may be the first generation of American women that have grown out of the fantasy that has been perpetuated throughout the decades.  There are some reasons for this change because more women are independent and due to the economic shift many women are bread-winners.  Also, there are a large number of women that are continuing to college and vocational schools to make more money which continues to discourage them from marry a man solely due to economic gain.  In some circles women would not consider marriage to anyone unless their partner is a millionaire.  Even though that is an extreme measure, the needy financial woman is gradually becoming a thing of the past.

Another result of this trend is the casual nature of sexual relations in that men are taking on a more functional role much like men used to do with women by objectification.  “What does this mean?” This will means a totally different family structure and slower population growth within the nuclear family.  In fact, as these states wrestle with same-sex marriage legislation, those men and women that use to sustain artificial heterosexual relationships will no longer play a role that impacts the lives of others along with their own.

African-American women is one group hit the hardest with a bubble of single women that have never been married in places like Atlanta, Detroit, New York, and Los Angeles where many of them between their late twenties through their mid-forties.  Some are of course following a new trend of dating Caucasian men, however according to many of the informal dating statistics the marital-rate remains considerably lower compared to the marital activity of African-American men with Caucasian women.  The reality according to the data from the Census is that there are 600,000 more single African-American women than men in population with at least a bachelor degrees.  And there are one million more women within that group actively in the work-force compared to men.  This difference is significant because out of all of the groups in the population African-Americans have this imbalance and had it before in 1980.  The economic implications are that when a recession occurs as it did in 1980 and 2008, African-American men are seriously impacted by job displacement that not only hits them economically, but also make them far more less desirable to African-American females.

It should be also observed that Caucasians, Asians, and Hispanics (Latinos) are not experiencing similar trends as with African-Americans. There are still women in the dating pipe-line who are bound to traditions that means men must be the bread-winner along with high standards.  The problem is that as these women age many of them have the perception that they have the same romantic value as they did when they were younger.  In a broad context, they are gravely mistaken when it comes to assessing their romantic value while retaining higher standards for a mate than they themselves can deliver.  This is much like the fat woman who expects to land a guy with ripped abs.  The problem in these instances is that their personal self-worth is projected on others and they falsely fall under the impression that the same value is perceived and accepted by the other party.

The growing trend now is to expand on freedom and independence first and then look at feeding the emotional aspects in one’s life later while having objectified sex in the interim.  This modern single woman in her twenties is more of a realist and less of a fantasy-driven princess.  Even though there are some around, the growing number of women are growing up with resources and information to avoid being stuck in bad marriages. The unfortunate aspect is that the women who fail to do this may find themselves in under-performing relationships.  In essence, love can cure certain ills in a marriage, but the modern woman of today has more of a macro-view of the relationship and what it takes to sustain them.

Men like myself have used the argument in respect to the benefit of marriage.  The reality is that marriage is a liability for men in many cases in that they are responsible for paying a perpetual debt for the wife and children.  The advent of the two income household over the past 50 years has now culminated in generations of children understanding that struggling parents are not the ideal representation of living.  This is very obvious now as 98% of the United States population makes less than US$250,000.  Today many young men and women seek to pursue higher incomes independently.  The glamor from reality shows and the like may also play a small part in this desire for independence with many of the shows scrambling to find healthy relationships to represent show franchises.

The Silent Anger between Black Men and Women

The Silent Anger between Black Men and Women
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

I have received a considerable amount of email from African-American women complaining about not being able to find a good black man.  I knew the answer to this issue immediately so instead of responding to multiple emails, I decided to make this post.  Here is the deal ladies, there are a lot of African-American men that are still carrying a silent anger toward African-American women that does not equate to the hatred of a racist as in the history of America, but something a bit more subtle.  The guys that were dissed as far back as in elementary school in some cases carry this disposition into their adult lives, especially if they are treated the same by the females within the house-hold.

I have also heard from African-American women with this same disposition toward black men, but in many cases it involved some sort of abuse beyond verbal abuse. However, in the case of men, the abuse was far more verbal.  This topic is rarely spoken about until I receive emails from black women complaining about the who no good black men argument.  The reason that many of these guys date women of other races that have had bad experiences with African-American women is a way of protecting themselves and the feelings of black women.  So many times black women wonder why Caucasian, Asian, or Latin women are treated better by black men than they would treat an African-American woman.  In the minds of some men they honestly believe that other women are more deserving than African-American women.  This is a very hard pill to swallow for many African-American women. However there are many African-American women that hold the same sentiments toward black men as well treating men of other ethnicities better based on race.

The distinction is that in the case of African-American men and women it is more of a disconnect based on experiences more so than stereo-types related to texture of hair, color of eyes and skin.  This disconnect is based on the perceived betrayal of those within their own ethnic group.  The problem for most has to do with the application of external stereo-typical and racial demoralizing comments that are applied to people within their own ethnic group.  It should also be noted that this occurs in every ethnic group throughout the world because it is based on the way people treat each other within the same group.

The angry mother that talks to her young impressionable son or daughter about how worthless his or her  father is may have a lasting impact. Whether it is true or not, the fact remains that the child was exposed to this disposition and therefore could have a lasting impact.  Now, if these people grow up with a continuing trend f failures that do not counter the initial impressions, you will see what we see today.  In some cases these people will actually accept exploitation by other groups  based on stereo-types and would not consider being degraded in such a way by their own.

The bottom line is that at some point these people were rejected in some way by members of their own ethnic group and personalized it to a point to avoid a dependency and interaction within their own group.  I know of at least 200 African-American males that do not date, or even consider African-American women.  Also, I am familiar with several hundred women who do not and would not consider African-American men in their own ethnic group for dating, romance, and love.  Once again, this is found in all ethnicities, but the problem with African-Americans is due to a 600,000 person gap according to the last U.S. Census between men and women.  There are far more women than men in the population.  However, there are other criteria that must be considered such as income.  There are African-American men and women that base their preference to date outside of their own race based on purely economic and social advantages.  These individuals are more focused on the earning capacity of individuals and therefore African-Americans as a whole are not known for wealth, but individually entertainers, athletes, and others are distinguished.

So as you can see there are a host of issues that has caused this widening gap.  The whole situation regarding ethnic groups when it comes to this issue is based largely on social and economic value in comparison to Western European values for beauty, wealth, status, class, and the like.  What this leads to is a stratification of ethnic groups at various levels of acceptance by main-stream society with African-Americans being placed at the bottom rung of the ladder.  Therefore, within that group there is stratification based on skin-color )i.e. high-yellow, red-bone), hair texture (Indian hair weaves), eye-color (contact lenses),  and  even down to the diction and dialect of English or language spoken.  Yet there are others within the group that are comfortable with the attributes given them by birth.  The reality is that no matter the social value acquired within the specific ethnic group, in comparison to the main-stream they are tolerable, but not acceptable as a norm.

Now this diversion ay be based on past experiences of being teased for being too dark, having nappy hair, or just being called ugly at some point.  Due to the African-American physical features the changes are more pronounced and therefore something that brings on more attention also brings on more criticism. No matter what ethnicity you are, the way you treat someone in their younger stages in life may determine their adult life.  There are some who blow through the negativity and continue their lives, but there are others that consistently carry that silent anger.