Rebuttal to The Attraction of the Swirl

After receiving this email, I realized that interpretation is everything when communications is involved.  After getting the gentleman’s permission that sent me this email (who’s real name is not Ray) did not surprise me one bit.  I had the pleasure of interviewing the woman participating in this situation and I will post the transcript later.

Hi Jausan, my name is Ray and even though the article had a lot of specifics on stats about interracial dating and marriages, there is one thing I must take issue with, the number of people openly accepting interracial relationships.  I have personally been in a relationship with a married black woman for some time.  She is the wife of a preacher in Georgia and every other weekend she makes her way down to Northern Florida for a good time.  I met on her a year ago on a popular black dating site. I have read others articles you have written about swirling and all of the points you make are valid, but in certain areas it is not so readily accepted.  My wife and I share her together and the situation is now causing problems for us because many of our friends are not appreciative of blacks.

I also understand that some black women look at this as a step up in society by being with whites, but I can tell you that when she is with us she likes to role-play the slave-girl and I wear the confederate costume.  The wife loves seeing us together and since we started this little thing, we have found more blacks and white couples into this fantasy play.  So even though there have been some changes in the attitudes of people, there are some that stay the same.  I am not a racist, but our friends loves being defiled and called the N word by me and wife during sex.  We would never use such a term, but she insist that we do.  I just wanted you to know that there are some people that have arrangements that may not fall in line with the politically correct version of American culture.  By the way, the piece about the marc-auctions are true.  We attended two this summer outside San Francisco and in South Carolina.  My wife and I know it may be wrong, but we have accepted it and our friend and the people we’ve met regardless of race like the thrill of it.  You may repost this email, all I ask is that you do not publish my email address, or real name… Thanks.

I will keep reading and hope you address more on this topic.

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Family and Friend’s Opinions Count

Jausan Logo Family and Friend’s Opinions Count
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

  

“Republished with Authorization & Consent of Author”   

   The traditional practice of developing romantic relationships in the United States is somewhat universal in the sense that emotional allegiance allows us to go into them sometimes blindly, ignoring the obvious red-flags that may not serve our best interest on down the road. We sometimes assume that a relationship will workout based on the hope and faith drawn from our cultural aspects such as religion righteousness, judicial fairness, and moral social responsibility. Our hope is that a blessing is bestowed to encapsulate the goodness or merits of the relationship while voiding the negative aspects.

Naïve would be the best description of the aforementioned ideal relationship. Unfortunately, life is not an event where we can select only the good aspects of it and expect marginal challenges. Relationships are a vital aspect of our existence and therefore challenges and hardships come with the landscape.

    We may begin a relationship with someone, introduce him or her to family and friends and discover that they may have some reservations. The common reaction for the person presenting their new romantic find is to investigate the rationale behind the reservations. This is the point where many of us discover later that by ignoring or dismissing these concerns could have saved time, heart-ache, and emotional stress.

    Depending on the self-esteem and personal disposition of the individual, the choice can make the biggest difference between success in a relationship or failure. A very defensive posture which is common among younger participants in relationships has more to do with being judged or criticized for his or her choice in a potential love interest. The problem with this disposition is that it is commonly perceived as a personal attack. When reservations by family and friends are taken in this manner, the person may decide to either void their opinions, or view them as adversaries attempting to ruin happiness. Also, his or her perception could be that of not receiving credit for a decision being made independent of family and friends. Rejection becomes the thought in the sense of not only rejecting the partner he or she selected, but them as well.

     The usual result from this perception can lead to a self-imposed isolation between the new couple from family and friends. This may develop into an emotional comfort-zone temporarily, but could lead to further isolation if there are other motivations by the partner that serves his or her self-interest more so than benefiting the couple as a whole.

    What many people fail to realize is that someone else has experienced the same difficulties in establishing relationships, but may or may not be available as a reference. Friends and family members that may have had the experience may not have the opportunity to share and therefore the individual may have to reinvent the wheel and undergo a lot of unnecessary drama stemming from not listening.

    Love is an emotional experience and we are cultivated to focus more on that aspect than on the rational requirements in order to make a relationship function. The“Us against the world!” approach seems like a great underdog story that is perpetuated throughout American culture, but the designation of adversaries is where sometimes couples get it totally wrong. Families and friends may pick up on certain characteristics in personality, demeanor, disposition, or attitude from the person selected and may want to point these things out early.

    After the self-imposed isolation is implemented and family and friends are no longer the people life is share with, but people that are treated almost like strangers, the partner is at liberty to impose his or her will to some degree. The partner could then impose barriers against him or her developing other relationships or even dictating who is approved and who is not.

    This is where the relationship style comes into play. A command-and-control relationship means that one of the two parties takes the lead without question. Many women find themselves in these types of relationships more so than men. Religious doctrine may also add to the validity of this relationship style that allows the male partner to dictate the dress, diet, social interactions, and liberties given the female partner. Sometimes women that have been in households that had this type of structure may consider this normal and would fall in conflict with others have opposing views. Women are usually given a place and tasks that fall into a gender specific role. Problem occurs when the women attempt to challenge the authority, choices, or decisions made by the male member. The repercussions can range from arguments to domestic violence, depending on the escalation variables. More often than not women that fail to comply to the command-and-control model may either leave the relationship or cope with it using passive-aggressive behavior. Those that comply in this environment may find themselves attempting to go out their way to please the male partner. In some cases, the introduction of extramarital activity may be introduced.

     The critical eyes of objective friends and family members could see the potential flaws to a relationship of this nature from the beginning. The family and friends may also become the very people to clean up the mess after she has left him. For this reason, women would be wise never to severe the ties to family and friends when first getting involved in a relationship. Furthermore, if the male partner is supporting and encouraging this behavior on your behalf, a second thought is also the best bet. There is no merit to pursue happiness through abuse or disrespect.

     Women that impose the command-and-control approach to dating men are commonly economically based, but not always. Men may undergo the same ridicule as women would as the weaker member of the relationship. The main distinction is that the male is commonly marginalized lower than a female in the same circumstance. He is respected for male functions and little else besides sexual gratification and remaining a piece of kept arm-candy. This may seem like a harsh stereo-type, but this type of male does not receive the sympathy by society or family, and friends because of his gender. In the social sense he has abdicated is gender role as provider to assume the role of dependent. Men that have been in these types of relationships may find it harder to re-establish their self-esteem or self-worth because during the relationship the female partner will attempt to strip the dignity away so that he would be of no use to anyone else.

     Even though dating or marrying a wealthy woman may be appealing, the command-and-control relationship with them can be socially compromising and have an adverse impact on his own personal value.

    In both cases the command-and-control relationships have common threads for women and men, control, denial of self-interest, conformity, and putting the other party first. Living in the United States of America, there is little need to have a suppressive relationship when there are governments that are willing to do the same in other nations.

    Exposure is another aspect of the relationship that friends and family attempt to protect family members from in respect to criminal activity and mortal danger. The bad-boy or bad-girl may sound like great stereotypes that promote a sense of adventure through movies and media, but there is a cost associated with pursuing them. The great myth is that these people are smart, no, they are clever. Steve Jobs was smart because he created something. Stealing, robbing, or selling illegal items is clever, because they create nothing, but feed off of the existing work of others. Steve Jobs designed the iPad through hours of grueling work a thief steals the iPad from a store to make a few dollars in comparison to billions if he or she took out enough time to make a comparable product by cultivating his or her skills and abilities. The bad girl or bad boy is nothing more than social short-hand for lazy individual.

    The downside to this appeal is when he or she gets into middle-age and they have very little to show for their efforts in life. A prison record, tales of the way things used to be are rarely valuable in the future.

   These are some of the main reasons for the skepticism that family and friends have about some of the choices we make when it comes to selecting a partner. Even though we may not want to push our pride aside, sometimes it is in our best interest to her them out and understand their concerns.

 

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

People fail to discuss this issue, but it was brought up during a recent conversation with a female friend.  She has been single since The Great Recession of 2008 after going through a divorce.  Now, she has recovered financially and emotionally and is ready to date once more.  The difficulty for her is that during the time of her financial and emotional rehabilitation, she met this guy and became very close friends early on.  Now, however she is comfortable with him and his personality, but she used the dreaded FRIENDS word that guys hate to hear.

The problem of course is that their relationship is platonic and never had sexual or romantic overtures and she wants to change that perception of the relationship.  This is a typical situation that some women more so than men find themselves in when trust issues remain in the ether of life after divorces or break-ups.  As with most women, she does not want to be perceived as a loose woman or easy in some way, but she does have her sexual needs.

I explained to her that in any relationship a woman sets the pace in respect to how fast it advances and the limits.  If she is really smart boundaries should be set up-front.  The one thing that women in general should realize is that once a woman classifies a guy as a friend, it translates to “There is no way in hell I will ever sleep with you”.  One rule of thumb I used to use on the dating scene was to establish the friendship word first to put her at ease and to avoid confining myself too early with someone before finding a better match.  However, in this case the gentleman agreed with her about the friendship and never tried to advance.

Now he could be like myself and several other friends I know that hold a woman to their word in respect to converting friends to lovers.  The reason behind this is to quickly label them and move on through the 3 billion or so women in the world until finding a suitable match.  Another reason why most guys do not hang around too much after being called the friend is due to the pet-treatment when the guy is a harmless little toy with an appendage.  There are more than enough guys playing nice as friends waiting for the opportunity to bed their female friend.

I recommended to her not to sleep with him not on moral grounds, but because she only knows him as a platonic friend and not in an intimate way to so abruptly change that situation.  Needless to say, my advice was cast to the side and she did the deed.  Afterwards, she felt really bad and to make matters worse, he changed his number and will not speak to her.  She wanted me to blog about this and give her my suggestion after being beside herself for compromising a friendship.  I’ll be brief.

The reason why he slept with you and failed to resume the friendship has to do with several factors that you would not have any control over.  First he was not into to you sexually, but maybe viewed you as as sister-figure.  Secondly, he is probably serious about some else and you would be in the way. Thirdly, he may not have thought you were that good in bed.  I understand that this may sound rather harsh, but even though you built up a level of trust with him over the years, he wrote you off as a good friend based on what you established early on.  Over time he got to know you better and maybe you also knew him too well for a relationship.  Mystery while meeting someone is one of the thrills of dating.

Also,  better approach is to establish your intentions early on instead of springing it on him because rarely will a guy turn down sex.  There are some people who are better at public relations than with one-on-one interpersonal communications or intimacy.  In any case it was a learning experience.  Each situation is different and therefore you did all of the right things, however remember that if you opt for a booty-call of sorts please do not expect nothing more than that.  More than likely he left because a relationship was not what he was looking for at the time.  It’s not personal just subjective dating.

Should I tell what I saw?

Should I tell what I saw?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

The situation that I am about to present is nothing new and many of you have been faced with this, seeing something that may end a relationship for a friend or family members.  Have you ever been somewhere a saw your best-friend romantically involved with someone else instead of his or her partner?  Even though you may witness this the likelihood is that you probably would not tell your best-friend’s partner.  Now, there are some that may decide to inform the best-friend’s partner in order to have a fleeting chance at dating him or her, “Yes some people will go there.”  But for the most part you may just have words with you best-friend about his or her behavior when appropriate.

On the other-hand, if the roles were reversed and you saw your best-friend’s partner cheating on them, then the rules change a bit for some.  By telling your best-friend you may be that true friend. However, you could also get scorned for bringing the bad news.  This is one situation that people contend with on a regular basis and there is not a clear answer in that reactions vary.  Years ago a friend of mine wanted me to pick him up at his girl-friend’s home on the way to basketball practice.  She answered the door without a stitch of clothing on in preparation for his delayed arrival.  Needless to say we were both initially embarrassed. I turned away as a gentleman and she threw up her hands “Well now you know what I look like naked.” and smiled.  She vanished into her bed-room to dress more appropriately and fortunately for me my best-friend showed up afterwards without a clue to what I witnessed.   It has been decades since and the issue never came up and to this day. Yes, we are still friends and the relationship with the lady ended years after that inadvertent incident due to other incompatibilities.

Even in the aforementioned situation I had to use judgment as did his partner at the time.  Had I mentioned the incident, my friendship would have been in question as well as being blamed for a premature break-up in the relationship.  In this case, I used the best course of action at the time to retain all relationships.  Besides my girl-friend at the time would have not bought such an innocent mishap.

As in my case, it situation is different and you have to weight the cost of a friendship against the information that could end it.  Most often people would like to know if their best-friend saw something, but that can be tricky also because they may not believe you.

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Throughout life we will meet those individuals to date that friends, parents, and others may not approve of for whatever reason.  Sometimes these concerns are legitimate when it comes to a person’s welfare, safety, or dignity.  And sometimes it may stem from actually losing that individual to another through a relationship.  Change is the toxic word for many people coping with friends, family, and others that relationships with them do and should change.  However, there are some that may feel as though they are entitled to consume the space in the life of the person despite relationships and or marriage.

Disliking someone is usually the justification for many friends, relatives, and family members to stay involved with the mechanics of their loved one’s relationship.  How many times have you seen mothers and fathers attempt to break-up their daughters and sons from potentially viable relationships.  The hardest part for many parents is actually letting go.  This form of letting go is nothing more than a change that parents are not willing to accept based on many of the following attributes:

  1. Their own individual bad experiences in the past.
  2. Judging their children by the failed relationships in the past.
  3. The fear of being abandoned and forgotten.
  4. The loss of control over someone they have had for decades.
  5. Ruining or damaging the family’s reputation by associating with the other party.
  6. Fear of their child being harmed or used by someone for their body or financial means.

Fear of physical abuse or exploitation.

These are only seven of the plethora of concerns parents may have when it comes to their children dating or marrying someone.  If you noticed, all of the concerns are negative and this can be fed in a way that would bastardize the reality in which they face, especially if others with supporting negative opinions put in their two-cents.

Now, of course these concerns are valid and the son or daughter must understand that there is both an element of best interest and an element of personal interest in the outcome.  This means that the potential partners may have to prove themselves as worthy and Yes, in some cases a chance to do so may not become granted.  One element that is common for parents is to classify their children as too good for a certain person even though they have met the social standards and criteria.  In this case a sense of personal vanity on the parent’s part trumps the love that the son or daughter may have for their potential partner.  This is one of the elements used in arranged marriages where the parents knows best and the relationship is nothing more than a peace-offering to merge families together for a greater good beyond the scope of the two people.   To put it mildly this is a pluralistic and selfish approach to implement an agenda that uses the couple as pawns in a larger game.

It should be said that the majority of parents allow their cons and daughters to make their decisions when they are of age to do so; however this parental supervision may bleed well into adulthood if not checked properly.  The challenge for most people in relationships where the potential partner is disliked is much like being an attorney representing an innocent party until proven guilty.  There will be hear-say, assumptions, prejudice, and any other thing that can be used to color opinions.  Most often is there is no fault with the person they may then broaden the scope of contempt to ethnic group, geography, family, history, or any other technicality that promotes doubt.

The son or daughter is now faced with a crisis in many instances to be the mediator between family and friends and potential partner.  This is where many people have difficulty because they do not want to displease those closest to them and do not want to lose a potentially viable relationship that could make them happy.  In all decisions there are three choices 1) Change things for the better. 2) Change things for the worst, and 3) Do nothing and allow time to pass.  The third choice is the most common course of action because it requires little effort and allows the son or daughter to empower themselves as the mediator.  In this case, the keep both relationships, but such a decision is only a band-aid and is very short-term.  A common thing to happen is the potential partner may pressure the son or daughter to fix the issue with the parents or they will move on.  An ultimatum to put it lightly.

Once the potential of losing the relationship is exposed to the son or daughter, he or she may think that the partner is turning against them, but instead they are request that they take the lead in the process of reconciliation to avoid conflict.  Sometimes the potential partner may attempt to address the parents autonomously, but this rarely works because the individual has already been devalued in the minds of the parents.  The frustration comes from the potential partner in the sense that he or she is wasting valuable time in a situation that is not directly related to him or her.

What many people fail to realize is the way the son or daughter handles such a situation may be very telling about the way they will deal with adversity in the relationship or marriage.  While mentioning the  “M” word, some would like to assume that problems will be solved. The only change is that you will be married, but the crater in the relationship remains with the parents and the protection of oe day down the aisle will not give the son or daughter the respect desired.

The larger problem is simple, the parents, family, friends etc. do not have confidence in your own judgment even though many of the things you use in your assessments of mates were taught by some of the very same people so it is more of an indictment on their life-lessons for you.  Also, a common thing that some parents may do is marginalize you and your opinion through the eyes of you as a little girl or little boy even though you are grown.  In this sense it comes down to parents that don’t want to let go.  You should remember that your maturing means that they are aging and getting closer to the grave during to the cycle of life.

Others may try to live vicariously through your relationship to correct some of the mistakes in their lives.  Yet, some parents may legitimately see some short-comings from the partner; however instead of criticizing them since the parents know how important this person is to you, they may be helpful in assisting him or her to recognize and address those issues in a constructive manner.  A good rule of thumb is to briefly look at the relationship objectively and if the rationale does not add up to the accusations then more than likely an agenda is present.

The one thing that may a flawed strategy is to think that your partner is going to fight the fight on your behalf and that the integrity of the team will survive.  So many people have failed using this approach.  In fact more than likely the partner will leave because he or she did not sign-up for family counseling.  Again, another intro into something that would benefit all parties, but as expected this may be controversial and getting family into such an endeavor may prove daunting.  The usual reason for rejecting counseling is largely due tot he fact that the parents see the partner as a the problem and they did not need counseling before he or she came along.

Rumors are another weapon used to solidify their position whether it is truth or a lie, it does not matter.  The credibility of the sources are not placed into question and therefore the number of people can be exaggerated in agreement with their opinion. A forth-coming article will address in more detail dealing with family, and friends.