When Should You Let Go of a Relationship?

Break All Day!
Break All Day! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When Should You Let Go of a Relationship?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

The word commitment is a very strong one in the terms of relationships and some people bind themselves to others based solely on it.  However, there comes a time when the risks and obligations out-weigh the benefits. People are usually slow to admit they are wrong because it reflects a bit on their character and judgment. The emotional attachment is the equity put into a relationship and the last thing a person wants to hear is that the relationship is failing or if neglected, has failed.  Friends and family are commonly the first indicators when it comes to seeing something out of sync in a relationship and it comes down to the brave soul that is willing enough to tell the person on the losing end.  Today with Twitter, Facebook and other social media, relationships are started and terminated without the luxury of meeting face to face.  Women commonly have more difficulty in a break-up in a relationship than men based on social norms more than anything else.  A man is expected to remain strong and not shed a tear in front of her.  Women on the other hand may go to further extremes in order to sustain the relationship.  In so many ways, women are the nurturers of the relationship, ensuring that the integrity of it remains intact, they set the pace and tone of the union.  Men provide the logistics for the endeavor to flourish. This is a 50/50 situation.

Unfortunately, when one member of the relationship decides that he or she wants out, there are a lot of things that come to light.  Relationships are an emotional experience that becomes part of one’s routine, giving people purpose, and shared responsibility.  In many cases when a relationship dies, the purpose of an individual comes into question.  Think about couples that have been married for decades and suddenly there is a divorce. The woman may have to take more time to adjust to a new role not only in relation to being single, but in the sense of losing the status associated with someone married including friends and associates.  There is a great sense of loss.

Women are usually the fighters for relationships and may be harder to convince that all was done to salvage them. This is especially true when it comes to women with children.  Their interest is the priority and keeping the family unit intact becomes vital.  Counseling is a way that many modern women attempt to retain a relationship that is in jeopardy or fix issues that are sticking-points.  However, rejection by a partner is no easy feat to master and personalizing that rejection heightens emotions.

The best practices for protecting yourself from being potentially hurt begins with the introduction of your partner to friends and family.  Take notice of their initial reaction to him or her because there are things that you may not see. Remember that all people have experiences and some may see things that may be red-flags to avoid.  If you are just getting to know this person, don’t be so quick to become their advocate in respect to friends and family because if it is a bad start, things can only get worse.  If things go well initially and you notice some problems, discuss them immediately and do not do what some do by letting it fester and become part of the relationship.  In the case the two of you reach a stale-mate early on about an issue, you and your partner may try counseling by a licensed professional. However, if he or she fails to participate or gives good lip-service just to get through it, cut your losses early before too much emotional capital is spent.

Before going into a relationship it does well be to mindful that it can end abruptly and you should have a strategy to deal with it.  For instance, if he decides to shut down completely and state he wants out without reason or comment, it is natural to try to effectively communicate.  You should not dwell on it too long because if you do it will become more of a personalized rejection that is far harder to manage than a situational rejection.  Some people attempt a post interview with their partner once it is announced that he or she is leaving, this only works if the other party is willing to discuss the matter. If you have effective communications in the beginning, it helps if he or she cares to discuss it.  What you must remember is that shutting down and wanting out is a selfish act on the part of the other person and your feelings, equity in the relationship and time are irrelevant to that person at that point in time.

Before accepting this individual back into your life if and when they decide to open up, you should protect yourself emotionally and approach the interaction as if you are beginning anew with objectivity and skepticism at the fore-front.  The other party will have to use full disclosure as to the reason for shutting down and you should express to him or her about the cost you have undertaken during that period.  It would be wise to allow him or her to measure up to the level of trust they left with, do not give it to them again at the same level initially. View it as an employee that left the job unannounced and they are reapplying to work for you again.  Bring him or her back as an intern and monitor their progress through the stages.  Leaving the emotional and sexual elements out of the process will eliminate him or her coming back to a sexually comforting situation.

If you do not decide to allow this person back into your life, void the guilt and stick with the facts as they were when the individual left because if it was done once, it can be done again and the words, “I’ve changed.” are meaningless without the protracted actions to prove this change. People have certain opportunities to be in your life at certain points in it and the duration is entirely up to you.  In the event of a spouse or partner passing it is understandable to become emotionally torn for an extended period, but you cannot dwell on memories and must live for the person you loved that died.

The whole process of letting go is based on your time and how you let go is the key. Fighting for a relationship just to have the children’s  father in the house while being at total odds is not healthy and could lead to even more complications.  Also, fighting for a partner that insists on cheating is not the answer and turning a blind eye to infidelity benefits no one, not even the other person because as he or she has deceived  you, they will deceive another.

Make sure that you have thought out an emotional protective strategy and plan to protect yourself in the event of the demise of a relationship and understand that the world does not end with divorce papers or a break-up but begins with the first step toward your future growth.

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What should I do with these feelings?

What should I do with these feelings? – Jausan’s Questions & Answers.

Hi Jausan, got your link from Romance Refere and had to ask this question.I have been a straight woman for a large portion of my life, however; since my divorce five years ago my time has been spent with my bestfriend since high school. She is still married, the traditional All American Mom, Sunday School Teacher, you name it. Anyway, she came over to my house during the Christmas Holidays to brin gifts. At best, I thought it was going to be a regular Christmas Eve gathering. She literally spent the night only to bring gifts and her children to my home. She confessed that her husband had been cheat on her for the last several years with one of her former co-workers.

I though it was a cool situation being that I had no children or family close by because all of my folks are in Maine and there is a family rift that is a total nother story. Anyway, she came over Christmas Eve and did not leave until yesterday. At first I made every excuse to cut the visit short, but on Christmas Eve while chatting on my sofa, she leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I must admit that it felt strange because I had never thought about homosexuality beyond knowing a neighbor lady back in Maine that was that way.

I was shocked, appauled, and aroused at the same time. At age 47 I felt like I didn’t know crap. By the time she left my place yesterday we had made love. I never in my life questioned my sexuality and never though of being with another woman, but I can truly say that the exerience was far better than with my ex-husband.

Sorry for such a long backstory, but my question to you is ‘Should I pursue a relationship at this point or just ignore this incident?’ My ex had some very negative views on homosexuals and minorities and this is why he is my ex. Waiting for your reply.

Thanks.

K. Ellen

San Diego, California, USA

Women and Marriage in 2012

Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

Jausan
“Women and Marriage
Editor-in-Chief
Romance Referee ™
Santa Clarita, CA, USA

There are a persistent number of women that actually have no intention to marry unlike in the past.  In many ways some women view marriage as a burden of sorts.  The perception is that not only would another person in their lives is a liability, but also view the reality of being single has more to do with personal independence than anything else.  Decades ago when this trend was popular in the 1980’s among men, the perception was that men were being selfish.  This trend at the time bucked the tradition of men seeking wives.  Now, during the 1990’s the trend was slightly reversed and this could be attributed to the state of he economy at the time.

However,since The Great Recession of 2008 the trend had declined in 2010 according to the United States Census about 50.7%of American men and women are married either with spouse present or absent.  Even though the current number of married couples out-number those unmarried means that the popularity of marriage is in decline.  There are no solid numbers to comprehend the number of couples that actually divorced or separated due to the crisis.  Quantitatively, there are implications that the popularity remaining single among women is becoming more of a reality.

In some ways this may be the first generation of American women that have grown out of the fantasy that has been perpetuated throughout the decades.  There are some reasons for this change because more women are independent and due to the economic shift many women are bread-winners.  Also, there are a large number of women that are continuing to college and vocational schools to make more money which continues to discourage them from marry a man solely due to economic gain.  In some circles women would not consider marriage to anyone unless their partner is a millionaire.  Even though that is an extreme measure, the needy financial woman is gradually becoming a thing of the past.

Another result of this trend is the casual nature of sexual relations in that men are taking on a more functional role much like men used to do with women by objectification.  “What does this mean?” This will means a totally different family structure and slower population growth within the nuclear family.  In fact, as these states wrestle with same-sex marriage legislation, those men and women that use to sustain artificial heterosexual relationships will no longer play a role that impacts the lives of others along with their own.

African-American women is one group hit the hardest with a bubble of single women that have never been married in places like Atlanta, Detroit, New York, and Los Angeles where many of them between their late twenties through their mid-forties.  Some are of course following a new trend of dating Caucasian men, however according to many of the informal dating statistics the marital-rate remains considerably lower compared to the marital activity of African-American men with Caucasian women.  The reality according to the data from the Census is that there are 600,000 more single African-American women than men in population with at least a bachelor degrees.  And there are one million more women within that group actively in the work-force compared to men.  This difference is significant because out of all of the groups in the population African-Americans have this imbalance and had it before in 1980.  The economic implications are that when a recession occurs as it did in 1980 and 2008, African-American men are seriously impacted by job displacement that not only hits them economically, but also make them far more less desirable to African-American females.

It should be also observed that Caucasians, Asians, and Hispanics (Latinos) are not experiencing similar trends as with African-Americans. There are still women in the dating pipe-line who are bound to traditions that means men must be the bread-winner along with high standards.  The problem is that as these women age many of them have the perception that they have the same romantic value as they did when they were younger.  In a broad context, they are gravely mistaken when it comes to assessing their romantic value while retaining higher standards for a mate than they themselves can deliver.  This is much like the fat woman who expects to land a guy with ripped abs.  The problem in these instances is that their personal self-worth is projected on others and they falsely fall under the impression that the same value is perceived and accepted by the other party.

The growing trend now is to expand on freedom and independence first and then look at feeding the emotional aspects in one’s life later while having objectified sex in the interim.  This modern single woman in her twenties is more of a realist and less of a fantasy-driven princess.  Even though there are some around, the growing number of women are growing up with resources and information to avoid being stuck in bad marriages. The unfortunate aspect is that the women who fail to do this may find themselves in under-performing relationships.  In essence, love can cure certain ills in a marriage, but the modern woman of today has more of a macro-view of the relationship and what it takes to sustain them.

Men like myself have used the argument in respect to the benefit of marriage.  The reality is that marriage is a liability for men in many cases in that they are responsible for paying a perpetual debt for the wife and children.  The advent of the two income household over the past 50 years has now culminated in generations of children understanding that struggling parents are not the ideal representation of living.  This is very obvious now as 98% of the United States population makes less than US$250,000.  Today many young men and women seek to pursue higher incomes independently.  The glamor from reality shows and the like may also play a small part in this desire for independence with many of the shows scrambling to find healthy relationships to represent show franchises.