Stealing Your Best friend’s Man

This is an article that people should pay attention to if you are female and unaware of what some women will do under the cover of friendship to steal your man. Guys should take note to understand this process. Ladies, “How many times have you had that one best-friend that you loved dearly, but had some aspects of her personality or character that you had to turn a blind-eye to when among your man or other peers?” The question looks like one that William Falkner would write.

Anyway, there are certain aspects of her personality that you admire and others that are not so appealing. You trusted this person until she tried to move on your man. Now, the question for many women is “How did she do that?” and “Why did she do this?” The answer is pretty simple. Most often than not you have given her the ammunition she needed to ruin your relationship. There are two ways this happens, one is an overt method and the other is the covert method. Yes, ladies if a woman or even your best-friend wants your man, she will try without exception.  The Overt Method is when you brag about how great your man is in bed or in the relationship in general.  The problem is that some women may view this as a challenge and therefore pursue it as a case of will.  What you disclose to these women openly is actively used against you to take your man.  Most women try to limit the interactions between their men and their female friends.  The obvious problem is that it smacks of insecurity and an astute single or committed female friend with wandering eyes may see this as insecurity and therefore knows where the vulnerabilities are in the relationship.  In essence she does not trust her female friends around her relationship.  However, most women are respectful and honor this protocol.  But those that think otherwise will use the information disclosed as a means to appeal to her best-friend’s partner without saying a word.

These women use the overt mistake of her best-friend’s bragging to allow the partner to come to her voluntarily so that she cannot be directly blamed for the act. The Overt Method is what we most commonly see on Jerry Springer when there is confrontation and drama.  This approach is more abrasive and is commonly used to humiliate her best-friend. Most often this comes from out of the blue with little explanation.  The difference in this method is that the female’s best-friend may openly pursue the partner using an all or nothing strategy.  This situation usually implies that the friendship was a Trojan Horse to get next to her relationship.  The common result of this practice is to openly point-out her best-friend’s weaknesses, failures, unmentioned embarrassing situations, and become more of an advocate for him to make her the adversary.  Now, it should be noted that this strategy is only used to destroy and nothing less than that.  This behavior can be expected in cases of perceived betrayal, being ignored, or over-looked for attention by the best-friend.  “Yes” women do this to avoid being lonely or without their best-friend.

Guys should be especially careful in this regard because in both methods it is essential for you to play a part for this scheme to actually work.  You may want to establish up front that your relationship is private and therefore the girlfriends do not need to know the specifics of it no matter how mad, sad, or glad she may become during the relationship.  When this is done and the woman abides by these terms, but breeches them gives the man the potential incentive to go forward with the best-friend’s agenda if provided through flirting etc.  However, a stand-up guy would leave the relationship if she insists on sharing, because it may eventually lead to one of her friends making a move.  This may be hard for many men to turn down in that she will probably have more information about what not to do to keep him.

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People You Should Never Date

People You Should Never Date
ROMANTIC TRUTH ®
“where fantasy meets reality”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved.
Santa Clarita, California

Yes, there are some people you should never date and they may take offence, but the truth needs to be told. The absolute worst waste of time is an undecided person in respect to a relationship because he or she is confused and only wants to remain in this holding pattern.  The rationale for dwelling in this cloud of confusion has to do with the comfort-zone that being indecisive provides by default. These individuals want to have a companion (place-holder or marker) in this in this maze so that they will have the luxury of stability while pursuing other romantic endeavors.

It is not while they are dating to go online and seek other romantic partners based on their momentary desire or need.  Even though most would claim not to meet the people they chat with online, the truth is that they are more likely to follow their desires with the expectation that the stable partner will remain without question.  The commitment of the relationship is used as leverage along with moral guilt to keep the stable partner in the relationship under emotional duress.  The biggest incentive for them to find other is to meet someone who will be in town from a great distance in most cases to live briefly and vicariously through their experiences.  These people are known for living through other’s dreams, lives, and aspirations and are rarely original.  They want to have their cake and eat it too along with all other uneaten pieces.  In essence, they want an somewhat open relationship with the condition that the stable party remains bound to the protocol of a monogamous relationship while they can use the exception to the rule strategy.

They love the autonomy and mobility of being undecided much like a swing-voter in a sense afraid of making the wrong decision, but conscious of the attention received leading up to a decision being made.  A stable relationship is one that they view as the responsibility of the other partner to sustain and therefore they should only have to show up for sex, food, moral support, and money.  “Sounds familiar?”  Think of taking care of a pet in the sense that it fills the room with another body and is loyal depending on treatment and attention.  The fundamental mistake that serious people make with these people is actually taking them seriously for a mature relationship.  The core issues with these people are simple, 1) the fear of missing out on a better opportunity and 2) curiosity.  Think about being in your late teens and being undecided about your path in life.  This is the same exact situation you are dealing with and the problem is that if this has continued into their 20’s, 30’s, and up it is a pattern and practice in the cyclical sense.

I cannot mention how many people I have interviewed who had partners with these characteristics that actually met others due to a quest for adventure.  The motivation is that there is a larger quest than your relationship and it is far more important than you or anyone else.  Now, this quest is fuelled by speculation that “the grass being greener on the other-side” and unfortunately they cannot solely focus on a committed relationship with a lingering fear of missing out in the shadows.   Sex is nothing more to them than a tool to get what they want and nothing more and nothing less.  This means that in many cases they expect the stabile partner to remain committed and faithful while they use the excuse of finding themselves, discovering their inner-self, or some other scheme in order to bide more time until they can find another stable benefactor.

They may feel that the pursuit of this illusive desire is far more valuable than anything else including themselves to some degree.  The stable relationship may be viewed by them as a stepping stone to something bigger, greater, and better.  You may also see gold-diggers do the same or similar practices when it comes to climbing the social ladder, eagerly awaiting the “big break”.  The downside for them is that a serious person who is astute may pick-up on them early and view them as a liability.  In most cases they want to have a life beyond the scope of the now with someone else in the future.  The objective is to have it all for themselves.  The main distinction is that these people are adaptable to any environment and will survive in the circumstances until a break from it comes along. 

Some submissives may fall into this category because they want to please their partner(s) and not necessarily the stable partner, but even an outsider and then therefore use the stable relationship as a command center or platform for safety.  Pursuing others outside the relationship becomes the mission and the stable relationship is the home-base for all of the logistics.  There is one distinction with some submissives in that they may ask the stable partner to assume the role of dictator in a sense so that their relationship is justified and approved.  They leverage their willingness to do whatever it take to remain in the relationship as leverage.    In essence the exchange for fulfilling any and every desire is the currency used to remain in this comfort-zone.

One thing that you will learn about relationships is that a person in general will pursue his or her own personal interest.  The problem is that there are some people out there have no room in their agenda for actually sharing, but to climb across emotions and other feelings to reach their goal despite who gets hurt or who they hurt.  This goal is usually at the expense of others and if and when the opportunity presents itself they will not wait around (in some cases) to properly end the relationship and just take-off with the individual.  Loyalty is not a strong-suit for these people outside their own personal agendas, because they will play the role of a loyalist as long as they can directly benefit from the arrangement and it does not interfere with their goals.  The stable partner is expected to be there fore them much like a family waiting for their kid to kick a habit or have a “Come to Jesus Moment”.  There are no direct characteristics that you can physically see that define them, but some commonalities is that lifestyle is the agenda which may include riches, sex, or some other area of interest that a person can be used to provide this agenda.  These people will do anything to get to their agenda met including having children, marrying, participating in immoral acts or whatever it takes.  The macro agenda is far more important any of the aforementioned.  The indecision may be easily used as a method to get what they want or it may be something that is totally innocent.  However, the fact remains that in either case precious time is wasted in the process.  Another common qualifier that is especially popular with some closeted homosexuals is to use the undecided approach to get a beard or bra when a homosexual person will use straight people for stable relationships as cover from straight peers while being sexually confused with the beard or bra until either getting the support to come out to the public.  However, it should be noted that even though the gay, lesbian, and transgender communities are supportive of people coming out, there are those that are still bound by the fears and unfortunately may misrepresent their intentions to some stable partners. 

The one take-away from this article is that undecided people may become involved with multiple people with various levels of promises and commitment which can lead to dangerous consequences  if unchecked.  The most common problem is that the stable partner may not be aware of the activities of the undecided party and therefore expose them to risks that is not warranted. The other problem for the stable partner is that he or she becomes an enabler which does not help either party.  People who are honestly confused may not have an agenda or life direction and if they are not focused in that sense, they are not ready for a stable relationship and should be avoided.  Also, as a foot-note, there are those that would be considered stable who deliberately seek out undecided people to exploit them, but these predators are just as bad.

In conclusion these people are not bad people, however if they cannot make a decision to focus on themselves, “How can they focus on anything else?”  Even those with agendas are willing to endure encounters and situations they could have avoided which means unnecessary life experiences that could have even saved them time.  In short, assess the situation early or wind up in a perpetual loop.

Friends with Benefits… Just don’t get Serious

Friends with Benefits
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 
Friends with Benefits (film)
Friends with Benefits (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Friends with Benefits cliche’ has been around for decades and it remains en vogue to this very day. The primary purpose of these relationships is to create the illusion of interest in a person while having sex.

The truth is that these relationships are commonly superficial and sex is the only mutual benefit from the exchange. Three factors that can easily ruin these relationships are STD’s, pregnancy and if one of the two parties attempts to develop the relationship into something more than a friendly booty-call.

These arrangements are usually created over time between two people as a casual friendship that evolves into a continued sexual encounter. Both parties go into this arrangement for purely physical reasons and rarely do these situations materialize into anything of  marital value. The fundamental problem with attempting to develop sustainable relationships from these situations is that they are usually just convenient sexual situations that allows both parties to become sex objects.

They become the noun of things “My Dude”, “My Side-piece”, you’ve got the idea, and places become those parts of the body satisfied by the sexual experience, and finally the person is nothing more than a tool to relieve tension.  The approaches are different because women prefer to romanticize the situation as being sexually desirable. A man takes a different view in that the visual aspect of the relationship out-weighs any portion of responsibility associated with the relationship. It becomes a game in which sex is the premise and going beyond that point is a liability.

The consequences of this arrangement is that one or both parties will tire from the same old sexual situation over time. Statistically, it is usually the male because before women get involved in these types of arrangements, it is usually someone they have built trust and confidence in some way. Guys rarely need this level of assurance and therefore are more likely to move on quickly upon the termination of the relationship.

Women often get hurt in these situations because the guy usually leaves first especially if pressure is applied by an ultimatum of some sort. The misconception some women have is that her brand of sexual activity will bring him back or keep him in some way. One thing that all singles and couples must understand is that there is always someone out there that is better than your mate sexually and the reality is that most people wind up ignorant of that fact and settle with who is more convenient.

Fatigue is the enemy in these relationships because it creates a routine that leads to being bored. This is the key reason why men and women cheat in general. The same old sex with the same old person can become mind-numbing over-time and sex becomes more of a chore or obligation than a fulfilling experience with that person.

Also these friends with benefits relationships rarely address relationship equity. And yes, some come with are rules that are not required in more conventional relationships. Dating other people for instance may be allowed and therefore subjecting both parties to other people that might suit them better than the current arrangement. If the two parties do not live together, then rules must be established in respect to visitation, illness, conduct, and behavior . For most guys this is too much work and they may opt to sleep with her a few times and move on and allow some other more needy individual to deal with all of the rules and regulations.  Another issue is the dual role of the relationship in which in certain situations the partners may or one of them may classify themselves as a couple and in others they are just friends.  Needless-to-say, the treatment comes with the circumstance.

A lot of bisexual women may have these relationships with straight men and therefore have the autonomy to dictate the relationship by keeping the guy around in the hopes of a threesome or have him as a sexual toy like a breathing vibrator when she prefers male sexual companionship. Guys that hang around for this event are usually wasting their time because if the woman gives in, there may not be an incentive to stay for the guy hoping to bed two women at some point.

In any case these relationship are situational, temporary, and rarely lead to a sustainable romantic bonds beyond sex. And you should not that those who care to embrace such a relationship should understand that women and men familiar with this practice may do this on a regular basis between relationships that they value. Think of these arrangements as nothing more than a demo of sexual interaction for a specific purpose and nothing more. The higher the expectations from these relationships, the harder one will fall when they fail.  It should not be a shocker if you meet a person who has a line of friends of the opposite sex that know as much as much or more about your partner’s intimate preferences than you do.

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

People fail to discuss this issue, but it was brought up during a recent conversation with a female friend.  She has been single since The Great Recession of 2008 after going through a divorce.  Now, she has recovered financially and emotionally and is ready to date once more.  The difficulty for her is that during the time of her financial and emotional rehabilitation, she met this guy and became very close friends early on.  Now, however she is comfortable with him and his personality, but she used the dreaded FRIENDS word that guys hate to hear.

The problem of course is that their relationship is platonic and never had sexual or romantic overtures and she wants to change that perception of the relationship.  This is a typical situation that some women more so than men find themselves in when trust issues remain in the ether of life after divorces or break-ups.  As with most women, she does not want to be perceived as a loose woman or easy in some way, but she does have her sexual needs.

I explained to her that in any relationship a woman sets the pace in respect to how fast it advances and the limits.  If she is really smart boundaries should be set up-front.  The one thing that women in general should realize is that once a woman classifies a guy as a friend, it translates to “There is no way in hell I will ever sleep with you”.  One rule of thumb I used to use on the dating scene was to establish the friendship word first to put her at ease and to avoid confining myself too early with someone before finding a better match.  However, in this case the gentleman agreed with her about the friendship and never tried to advance.

Now he could be like myself and several other friends I know that hold a woman to their word in respect to converting friends to lovers.  The reason behind this is to quickly label them and move on through the 3 billion or so women in the world until finding a suitable match.  Another reason why most guys do not hang around too much after being called the friend is due to the pet-treatment when the guy is a harmless little toy with an appendage.  There are more than enough guys playing nice as friends waiting for the opportunity to bed their female friend.

I recommended to her not to sleep with him not on moral grounds, but because she only knows him as a platonic friend and not in an intimate way to so abruptly change that situation.  Needless to say, my advice was cast to the side and she did the deed.  Afterwards, she felt really bad and to make matters worse, he changed his number and will not speak to her.  She wanted me to blog about this and give her my suggestion after being beside herself for compromising a friendship.  I’ll be brief.

The reason why he slept with you and failed to resume the friendship has to do with several factors that you would not have any control over.  First he was not into to you sexually, but maybe viewed you as as sister-figure.  Secondly, he is probably serious about some else and you would be in the way. Thirdly, he may not have thought you were that good in bed.  I understand that this may sound rather harsh, but even though you built up a level of trust with him over the years, he wrote you off as a good friend based on what you established early on.  Over time he got to know you better and maybe you also knew him too well for a relationship.  Mystery while meeting someone is one of the thrills of dating.

Also,  better approach is to establish your intentions early on instead of springing it on him because rarely will a guy turn down sex.  There are some people who are better at public relations than with one-on-one interpersonal communications or intimacy.  In any case it was a learning experience.  Each situation is different and therefore you did all of the right things, however remember that if you opt for a booty-call of sorts please do not expect nothing more than that.  More than likely he left because a relationship was not what he was looking for at the time.  It’s not personal just subjective dating.

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Throughout life we will meet those individuals to date that friends, parents, and others may not approve of for whatever reason.  Sometimes these concerns are legitimate when it comes to a person’s welfare, safety, or dignity.  And sometimes it may stem from actually losing that individual to another through a relationship.  Change is the toxic word for many people coping with friends, family, and others that relationships with them do and should change.  However, there are some that may feel as though they are entitled to consume the space in the life of the person despite relationships and or marriage.

Disliking someone is usually the justification for many friends, relatives, and family members to stay involved with the mechanics of their loved one’s relationship.  How many times have you seen mothers and fathers attempt to break-up their daughters and sons from potentially viable relationships.  The hardest part for many parents is actually letting go.  This form of letting go is nothing more than a change that parents are not willing to accept based on many of the following attributes:

  1. Their own individual bad experiences in the past.
  2. Judging their children by the failed relationships in the past.
  3. The fear of being abandoned and forgotten.
  4. The loss of control over someone they have had for decades.
  5. Ruining or damaging the family’s reputation by associating with the other party.
  6. Fear of their child being harmed or used by someone for their body or financial means.

Fear of physical abuse or exploitation.

These are only seven of the plethora of concerns parents may have when it comes to their children dating or marrying someone.  If you noticed, all of the concerns are negative and this can be fed in a way that would bastardize the reality in which they face, especially if others with supporting negative opinions put in their two-cents.

Now, of course these concerns are valid and the son or daughter must understand that there is both an element of best interest and an element of personal interest in the outcome.  This means that the potential partners may have to prove themselves as worthy and Yes, in some cases a chance to do so may not become granted.  One element that is common for parents is to classify their children as too good for a certain person even though they have met the social standards and criteria.  In this case a sense of personal vanity on the parent’s part trumps the love that the son or daughter may have for their potential partner.  This is one of the elements used in arranged marriages where the parents knows best and the relationship is nothing more than a peace-offering to merge families together for a greater good beyond the scope of the two people.   To put it mildly this is a pluralistic and selfish approach to implement an agenda that uses the couple as pawns in a larger game.

It should be said that the majority of parents allow their cons and daughters to make their decisions when they are of age to do so; however this parental supervision may bleed well into adulthood if not checked properly.  The challenge for most people in relationships where the potential partner is disliked is much like being an attorney representing an innocent party until proven guilty.  There will be hear-say, assumptions, prejudice, and any other thing that can be used to color opinions.  Most often is there is no fault with the person they may then broaden the scope of contempt to ethnic group, geography, family, history, or any other technicality that promotes doubt.

The son or daughter is now faced with a crisis in many instances to be the mediator between family and friends and potential partner.  This is where many people have difficulty because they do not want to displease those closest to them and do not want to lose a potentially viable relationship that could make them happy.  In all decisions there are three choices 1) Change things for the better. 2) Change things for the worst, and 3) Do nothing and allow time to pass.  The third choice is the most common course of action because it requires little effort and allows the son or daughter to empower themselves as the mediator.  In this case, the keep both relationships, but such a decision is only a band-aid and is very short-term.  A common thing to happen is the potential partner may pressure the son or daughter to fix the issue with the parents or they will move on.  An ultimatum to put it lightly.

Once the potential of losing the relationship is exposed to the son or daughter, he or she may think that the partner is turning against them, but instead they are request that they take the lead in the process of reconciliation to avoid conflict.  Sometimes the potential partner may attempt to address the parents autonomously, but this rarely works because the individual has already been devalued in the minds of the parents.  The frustration comes from the potential partner in the sense that he or she is wasting valuable time in a situation that is not directly related to him or her.

What many people fail to realize is the way the son or daughter handles such a situation may be very telling about the way they will deal with adversity in the relationship or marriage.  While mentioning the  “M” word, some would like to assume that problems will be solved. The only change is that you will be married, but the crater in the relationship remains with the parents and the protection of oe day down the aisle will not give the son or daughter the respect desired.

The larger problem is simple, the parents, family, friends etc. do not have confidence in your own judgment even though many of the things you use in your assessments of mates were taught by some of the very same people so it is more of an indictment on their life-lessons for you.  Also, a common thing that some parents may do is marginalize you and your opinion through the eyes of you as a little girl or little boy even though you are grown.  In this sense it comes down to parents that don’t want to let go.  You should remember that your maturing means that they are aging and getting closer to the grave during to the cycle of life.

Others may try to live vicariously through your relationship to correct some of the mistakes in their lives.  Yet, some parents may legitimately see some short-comings from the partner; however instead of criticizing them since the parents know how important this person is to you, they may be helpful in assisting him or her to recognize and address those issues in a constructive manner.  A good rule of thumb is to briefly look at the relationship objectively and if the rationale does not add up to the accusations then more than likely an agenda is present.

The one thing that may a flawed strategy is to think that your partner is going to fight the fight on your behalf and that the integrity of the team will survive.  So many people have failed using this approach.  In fact more than likely the partner will leave because he or she did not sign-up for family counseling.  Again, another intro into something that would benefit all parties, but as expected this may be controversial and getting family into such an endeavor may prove daunting.  The usual reason for rejecting counseling is largely due tot he fact that the parents see the partner as a the problem and they did not need counseling before he or she came along.

Rumors are another weapon used to solidify their position whether it is truth or a lie, it does not matter.  The credibility of the sources are not placed into question and therefore the number of people can be exaggerated in agreement with their opinion. A forth-coming article will address in more detail dealing with family, and friends.

My best male friend made a move on me now what should I do?

My best male friend made a move on me now what should I do? – Jausan’s Questions & Answers.

My name is Sharon and I have been friends with a guy for almost 6 years now and lastnight while stopping by my apartment he slipped his hand under my skirt. It was really an awkward moment and we both knew it wasn’t right. I never thought that he would do something like this to me,

Jennifer H.

Portland, OR, USA