Follow-up on the Swirl Rebuttal Transcript

In response to releasing the transcript of my interview with the preacher’s wife from Georgia, I was asked not to release it after she wrote me an email.  Apparently, her secret is out and she is in the midst of damage-control.  I had to think long and hard about doing the right thing or releasing the transcript.  However, I chose not to do so because she has children and her public reputation is in peril.  All that I can say is that she was caught red-handed and is now trying to salvage her marriage, reputation, and life.  I am not clear on who caught her or the circumstances, but one thing is clear, it is sometimes better to forgive and let live.


Rebuttal to The Attraction of the Swirl

After receiving this email, I realized that interpretation is everything when communications is involved.  After getting the gentleman’s permission that sent me this email (who’s real name is not Ray) did not surprise me one bit.  I had the pleasure of interviewing the woman participating in this situation and I will post the transcript later.

Hi Jausan, my name is Ray and even though the article had a lot of specifics on stats about interracial dating and marriages, there is one thing I must take issue with, the number of people openly accepting interracial relationships.  I have personally been in a relationship with a married black woman for some time.  She is the wife of a preacher in Georgia and every other weekend she makes her way down to Northern Florida for a good time.  I met on her a year ago on a popular black dating site. I have read others articles you have written about swirling and all of the points you make are valid, but in certain areas it is not so readily accepted.  My wife and I share her together and the situation is now causing problems for us because many of our friends are not appreciative of blacks.

I also understand that some black women look at this as a step up in society by being with whites, but I can tell you that when she is with us she likes to role-play the slave-girl and I wear the confederate costume.  The wife loves seeing us together and since we started this little thing, we have found more blacks and white couples into this fantasy play.  So even though there have been some changes in the attitudes of people, there are some that stay the same.  I am not a racist, but our friends loves being defiled and called the N word by me and wife during sex.  We would never use such a term, but she insist that we do.  I just wanted you to know that there are some people that have arrangements that may not fall in line with the politically correct version of American culture.  By the way, the piece about the marc-auctions are true.  We attended two this summer outside San Francisco and in South Carolina.  My wife and I know it may be wrong, but we have accepted it and our friend and the people we’ve met regardless of race like the thrill of it.  You may repost this email, all I ask is that you do not publish my email address, or real name… Thanks.

I will keep reading and hope you address more on this topic.

Interracial Dating

Interracial Couple
Interracial Dating
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

Interracial Dating has become a social main-stay within our community despite some of the sentiments that counter this reality. America experienced a cultural shift that began in the 1960’s and continues to our present day. The one main factor was the impact of culture and a new appreciation in understanding others. However, it should be acknowledged that this transition has not been easy and interracial romance has existed throughout our time.

Even though we would like to have a sanitized perspective on our history, men and women undertook the challenge despite the odds. Yes, there are some implied accounts when both men and women of different races made love, had sex, and procreated together. These sentiments went beyond the scope of social norms and laws and those few that took the risk were fulfilled in their quests.

However it should be acknowledged that there are many different agendas when it comes to people engaging in interracial relationships. Some of the categories are pretty straight-forward while others linger in the shadows. Social peer-pressure is the fundamental reason why this form of dating had such a slow evolution into American society. The most socially controversial are those relationships involving Caucasian women and African-American men. In Western Culture male dominance represented power and authority and the female remains that individual he is charged to protect. In the past racial segregation prevented African-American men to pursue relationships with Caucasian women. As a result, these relationships were discreet for centuries. However, African-American women was not openly accepted either, but overlooked as choice by the dominant member of American society. From the perspective of many African-Americans it seemed as though the women that participated in these relationships with Caucasian men were fulfilling a stereo-type that they were trying to forget that of the master sleeping with his slave girl. On the other-hand, African-American men that dated Caucasian women were received with mixed reviews by other African-Americans. One faction accused these men of selling-out while others viewed them as taking something from Caucasian males in regards to the legacy of slavery. An of course main-stream society did not openly approve of either union.

The one thing that individuals with these hard-line views failed to acknowledge was that individuals involved in these relationships put their personal interest above that of the collective group (society). Myths, stereo-types and exaggerations fueled the distrust, dislike, and disdain for these relationships with the support for this disposition being based on a small sampling of people within the group. The utopian ideal of a pure race of people remains in our society in some regions, but as people become more educated about their own needs and desires it will not be too long before a pure ethnicity is a minority. And as experienced in American history this means a change in social dialogue.

Being in an interracial relationship is difficult in America even in our modern day and age due to the botched efforts the country has done towards race relations. Now, there are several agendas for people getting into these relationships and some are more worthy than others. Below are some of the reasons :

  • A person falls in love with someone of another race without a predisposition and accepts that individual for who they are despite a of the social inhibitions.  These people seek emotional fulfillment in the sense that race does not matter in respect to their happiness.
  • Curiosity Dating is that form of interracial dating that approaches the practice as more of a study than anything else.  These relationships are commonly physically-based over time and have a very little chance of advancing into a viable relationship.The common downside to this approach is the person may have a bias or skepticism that may allow them to generalize based on one bad experience or two.  In short these individuals are on the fence are more than likely a time-waster .
  • Novelty Dating is similar to Curiosity Dating with exception that the agenda is to say they have dated “place minority here”.  The most distinct difference is that these individuals may date minorities in succession based more on the culture, music, and hanging out more so than actually caring to be in a long-term relationship.  Women are known for this practice dating a plethora of ethnicities and then returning to her own.  Basically, it is much like having fun before going into a serious endeavor where this element of life is off-limits.
  • Fetish Dating is clearly the most popular approach to interracial relationships.  This practice means that a person seeks out a person or persons of a particular ethnicity based solely on superficial features or characteristics.  Wide-hips, foreign languages spoken during intimacy, or some other distinguishing characteristic.  This is more of an objectifying endeavor than anything else.  Couples may even bring a minority into the bedroom in order to spice things up.  One of the popular tends is for a woman to wear a tattoo depicting the Ace of Spades usually in a concealed area on the body as code.
  • Redemptive Dating is a form of interracial dating that takes place when a minority dates a Caucasian to rise on the economic or social scale.  The purpose is to seek a higher station in society based on the powerful partner.  The problem with this strategy is that the power is not always transferred to the minority and he or she may be excluded from social circles, especially after divorce. The term Redemptive implies that they need to make-up for the financial or social short-fall in their lives.
  • Entitled Dating is that form of interracial dating based on physical or social characteristics.  This category is not exclusively to Caucasian women with African-American men, but also includes women of various shades that feel superior to their partners.  We see this in ethnic communities when a person with a light complexion would consider dating someone of a darker complexion unacceptable.  These individuals are color-struck and would even consider a person for a relationship of a different ethnicity as long as they could either pass a member of that group or fit in.  Considerations are commonly race, color, diction, culture, and a host of other subjective issues.
  • Resentful Dating is the other form of interracial dating that some people practice where they actually have a disdain for the people within the ethnic group they are dating and use the relationship to purge the demons  inside.  These relationships are commonly cherry-picked, meaning that the person may be praised for  certain things associated with their ethnic group and criticized for other elements.

These are just a few of the variations of interracial dating.  As you can see there are patterns and motivations that influence behavior and the treatment of partners.  However, if a person is genuinely in love race is a very marginal issue.  Interracial couples have to have tough skin and the ability to solely rely on each other for strength with the understanding of the social cost when friends and family may disown them and society may reflect disdain.

Through it all, people will love who they love for whatever reasons or agendas and hopefully they will find happiness in the person instead of skin-color or racial background.  In closing a person involved in these relationships must understand they are dating a person and not a community.

Help…I’m in too deep…

Help…I’m in too deep… – Jausan’s Questions & Answers.

Cool site Got a problem. I’m a white guy in my early twenties from a very affluent family in the Southwest. Met this black girl in college and we dated on campus until my senior year in 11. I had to break it off because I was one year ahead of her because of the distance. She transferred to a school near my hometownand showed up at my doorstep. I’m not racist, but my folks are a totally different story. They were’nt mean to her, but the tension was there and they did not like it one bit that she was in our house.

Well I am moving into my place in March but my parents made it crystal clear that they do not want me around minorities. My dilemma is I need start-up cash from my Dad for my business and there are some serious string attached. Unfortunately, she did not get the message when I told her that day that we are a no go.

She is a smart, attractive, and cute girl, but I only wanted her for the sex and nothing more. Before I left school she hit me with the “I’m pregnant thing” but never saw her produce a baby or any record of an abortion. In my opinion, she had a taste of the good life with the money I spent on her and I got sex so it seems to be an even trade.

Anyhow, I can’t let this girl fuck up my future and she is damn sure not getting any more of my money. What is the best way to get my mesage across to her to keep her from calling me and showing up at my folks house trying to fit in? Your help is most appreciated.


The Great Southwest

Women and Marriage in 2012

Marriage Day
Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

“Women and Marriage
Romance Referee ™
Santa Clarita, CA, USA

There are a persistent number of women that actually have no intention to marry unlike in the past.  In many ways some women view marriage as a burden of sorts.  The perception is that not only would another person in their lives is a liability, but also view the reality of being single has more to do with personal independence than anything else.  Decades ago when this trend was popular in the 1980’s among men, the perception was that men were being selfish.  This trend at the time bucked the tradition of men seeking wives.  Now, during the 1990’s the trend was slightly reversed and this could be attributed to the state of he economy at the time.

However,since The Great Recession of 2008 the trend had declined in 2010 according to the United States Census about 50.7%of American men and women are married either with spouse present or absent.  Even though the current number of married couples out-number those unmarried means that the popularity of marriage is in decline.  There are no solid numbers to comprehend the number of couples that actually divorced or separated due to the crisis.  Quantitatively, there are implications that the popularity remaining single among women is becoming more of a reality.

In some ways this may be the first generation of American women that have grown out of the fantasy that has been perpetuated throughout the decades.  There are some reasons for this change because more women are independent and due to the economic shift many women are bread-winners.  Also, there are a large number of women that are continuing to college and vocational schools to make more money which continues to discourage them from marry a man solely due to economic gain.  In some circles women would not consider marriage to anyone unless their partner is a millionaire.  Even though that is an extreme measure, the needy financial woman is gradually becoming a thing of the past.

Another result of this trend is the casual nature of sexual relations in that men are taking on a more functional role much like men used to do with women by objectification.  “What does this mean?” This will means a totally different family structure and slower population growth within the nuclear family.  In fact, as these states wrestle with same-sex marriage legislation, those men and women that use to sustain artificial heterosexual relationships will no longer play a role that impacts the lives of others along with their own.

African-American women is one group hit the hardest with a bubble of single women that have never been married in places like Atlanta, Detroit, New York, and Los Angeles where many of them between their late twenties through their mid-forties.  Some are of course following a new trend of dating Caucasian men, however according to many of the informal dating statistics the marital-rate remains considerably lower compared to the marital activity of African-American men with Caucasian women.  The reality according to the data from the Census is that there are 600,000 more single African-American women than men in population with at least a bachelor degrees.  And there are one million more women within that group actively in the work-force compared to men.  This difference is significant because out of all of the groups in the population African-Americans have this imbalance and had it before in 1980.  The economic implications are that when a recession occurs as it did in 1980 and 2008, African-American men are seriously impacted by job displacement that not only hits them economically, but also make them far more less desirable to African-American females.

It should be also observed that Caucasians, Asians, and Hispanics (Latinos) are not experiencing similar trends as with African-Americans. There are still women in the dating pipe-line who are bound to traditions that means men must be the bread-winner along with high standards.  The problem is that as these women age many of them have the perception that they have the same romantic value as they did when they were younger.  In a broad context, they are gravely mistaken when it comes to assessing their romantic value while retaining higher standards for a mate than they themselves can deliver.  This is much like the fat woman who expects to land a guy with ripped abs.  The problem in these instances is that their personal self-worth is projected on others and they falsely fall under the impression that the same value is perceived and accepted by the other party.

The growing trend now is to expand on freedom and independence first and then look at feeding the emotional aspects in one’s life later while having objectified sex in the interim.  This modern single woman in her twenties is more of a realist and less of a fantasy-driven princess.  Even though there are some around, the growing number of women are growing up with resources and information to avoid being stuck in bad marriages. The unfortunate aspect is that the women who fail to do this may find themselves in under-performing relationships.  In essence, love can cure certain ills in a marriage, but the modern woman of today has more of a macro-view of the relationship and what it takes to sustain them.

Men like myself have used the argument in respect to the benefit of marriage.  The reality is that marriage is a liability for men in many cases in that they are responsible for paying a perpetual debt for the wife and children.  The advent of the two income household over the past 50 years has now culminated in generations of children understanding that struggling parents are not the ideal representation of living.  This is very obvious now as 98% of the United States population makes less than US$250,000.  Today many young men and women seek to pursue higher incomes independently.  The glamor from reality shows and the like may also play a small part in this desire for independence with many of the shows scrambling to find healthy relationships to represent show franchises.

The Silent Anger between Black Men and Women

The Silent Anger between Black Men and Women
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California


I have received a considerable amount of email from African-American women complaining about not being able to find a good black man.  I knew the answer to this issue immediately so instead of responding to multiple emails, I decided to make this post.  Here is the deal ladies, there are a lot of African-American men that are still carrying a silent anger toward African-American women that does not equate to the hatred of a racist as in the history of America, but something a bit more subtle.  The guys that were dissed as far back as in elementary school in some cases carry this disposition into their adult lives, especially if they are treated the same by the females within the house-hold.

I have also heard from African-American women with this same disposition toward black men, but in many cases it involved some sort of abuse beyond verbal abuse. However, in the case of men, the abuse was far more verbal.  This topic is rarely spoken about until I receive emails from black women complaining about the who no good black men argument.  The reason that many of these guys date women of other races that have had bad experiences with African-American women is a way of protecting themselves and the feelings of black women.  So many times black women wonder why Caucasian, Asian, or Latin women are treated better by black men than they would treat an African-American woman.  In the minds of some men they honestly believe that other women are more deserving than African-American women.  This is a very hard pill to swallow for many African-American women. However there are many African-American women that hold the same sentiments toward black men as well treating men of other ethnicities better based on race.

The distinction is that in the case of African-American men and women it is more of a disconnect based on experiences more so than stereo-types related to texture of hair, color of eyes and skin.  This disconnect is based on the perceived betrayal of those within their own ethnic group.  The problem for most has to do with the application of external stereo-typical and racial demoralizing comments that are applied to people within their own ethnic group.  It should also be noted that this occurs in every ethnic group throughout the world because it is based on the way people treat each other within the same group.

The angry mother that talks to her young impressionable son or daughter about how worthless his or her  father is may have a lasting impact. Whether it is true or not, the fact remains that the child was exposed to this disposition and therefore could have a lasting impact.  Now, if these people grow up with a continuing trend f failures that do not counter the initial impressions, you will see what we see today.  In some cases these people will actually accept exploitation by other groups  based on stereo-types and would not consider being degraded in such a way by their own.

The bottom line is that at some point these people were rejected in some way by members of their own ethnic group and personalized it to a point to avoid a dependency and interaction within their own group.  I know of at least 200 African-American males that do not date, or even consider African-American women.  Also, I am familiar with several hundred women who do not and would not consider African-American men in their own ethnic group for dating, romance, and love.  Once again, this is found in all ethnicities, but the problem with African-Americans is due to a 600,000 person gap according to the last U.S. Census between men and women.  There are far more women than men in the population.  However, there are other criteria that must be considered such as income.  There are African-American men and women that base their preference to date outside of their own race based on purely economic and social advantages.  These individuals are more focused on the earning capacity of individuals and therefore African-Americans as a whole are not known for wealth, but individually entertainers, athletes, and others are distinguished.

So as you can see there are a host of issues that has caused this widening gap.  The whole situation regarding ethnic groups when it comes to this issue is based largely on social and economic value in comparison to Western European values for beauty, wealth, status, class, and the like.  What this leads to is a stratification of ethnic groups at various levels of acceptance by main-stream society with African-Americans being placed at the bottom rung of the ladder.  Therefore, within that group there is stratification based on skin-color )i.e. high-yellow, red-bone), hair texture (Indian hair weaves), eye-color (contact lenses),  and  even down to the diction and dialect of English or language spoken.  Yet there are others within the group that are comfortable with the attributes given them by birth.  The reality is that no matter the social value acquired within the specific ethnic group, in comparison to the main-stream they are tolerable, but not acceptable as a norm.

Now this diversion ay be based on past experiences of being teased for being too dark, having nappy hair, or just being called ugly at some point.  Due to the African-American physical features the changes are more pronounced and therefore something that brings on more attention also brings on more criticism. No matter what ethnicity you are, the way you treat someone in their younger stages in life may determine their adult life.  There are some who blow through the negativity and continue their lives, but there are others that consistently carry that silent anger.