When Your Partner Does Not Love You Back

Have you ever been in love with some that never loved you back? No matter what you do, this individual will never say it, but support you in a patronizing way.  The best course of action is to stop your pursuit and cope with the situation until you can get out.  This will allow you to detach and break the emotional bond.  It is important to do this in order to save your romantic energy for someone actually worth it.  One routine sequence of human behavior is that your love for this person will restrict your actions to move on with your life.  They may actually use your “love” as an anchor to keep you in the situation by giving morsels of interest.  They want to actually be with someone better than you, but would probably, but not always like to keep you as a fall-back.

Unlike the confused person, these people know exactly what they are doing because they deliberately fail to say the three words “I Love You”, and actually use you for convenience such as sex, a place to stay, or moral support of some sort.  In other words, their agenda is a bout them and no matter how much money you spend, or what they desire, it will ever equal to being good enough.  In fact, they will get to a point of expecting more loyalty from you than they are willing to give and of course being used is part of the process.  They may want to use terms such as having their freedom, wanting to meet other people, or anything else, but if you propose to end the relationship, they are quick to object.  “Why should they ruin a good thing for them?”  One thing to understand about relationships is that when the sex and intimacy stops, a loss of respect is coming shortly and then a proposal for becoming friends.

If your partner cannot say “I Love You.” back to you, then it is time to move on, because you are wasting good energy on a bad situation.  One thing to be mindful about people like this is that they will perpetually seek out others no matter who they are with and fidelity is commonly and issue.  So in retrospect, you are not losing anything being without this person, but gaining your self-respect and saving emotional capital for a better person who can appreciate you.  The premise for this behavior is usually based on a bad past relationship that had nothing to do with you, but you are stilled judged by the legacy.  The fear for them is that he or she is missing out on life and that for some reason the expectation is that a new set of circumstances are better than the one you he or she is currently dealing with in the relationship.  The only thing that changes is that the new relationship sought is not routine and they are not familiar with the work associated with potentially sustaining it.   However, in many cases if things fail to workout, they may try to come back later or at least attempt to have updates on your life.

The main message here is to not allow yourself to become the fool and was time, emotions, and dignity on a pointless relationship.  Having a piece of a relationship is not worth the headache, and remember when the sex dies a good portion of the relationship is dead.

Advertisements

What is up with GenX Women?

What is up GenX Women?
ROMANTIC TRUTH ®
“where fantasy meets reality”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved.
Santa Clarita, California

There is a gross generalization about women born in the 1970’s that floats within the ether of our culture.  Much of this generalization is based on the large number of women in their 40’s featured on reality shows.  The stigma associated with these women comes from a lingering sentiment based in the 1990’s culture when the GenXer’s were largely blamed for ruining the tech-boom and a couple of decades later ruining the global economy.  However, in all fairness some people within their generation went over-board with the pseudo-economic boom of the 1990’s.  The main issue stemming from that era that lingers today is the sense of entitlement some have along with not knowing when to enough is enough.  You see the shows about Hollywood Exes, former R & B singers and the like.  The sad aspect of this reality is that many of them are stuck in an era that has past long ago and they are still trying to revive dormant careers.  However, the relevance is that some men and women in the following generations are now the romantic interest they seek.  “Sounds harmless?”, well these 40 and 50 something’s are the bulk of modern day Cougars and Lions.  A Cougar is a woman who likes younger men and a Lion is a man who likes younger women with both having an exclusivity with age being the main factor.

 

It is not the singling-out of a generation of women that is the main problem, but what is associated with them that raises concerns for some men.  More specifically, there is a lingering perception that they have a lack of discipline, took the call of being the independent woman to the extreme, and focused too much on the economic lifestyle maintenance so much that love and relationships became secondary.  Another perception is that GenX women in large measure lavished in that period of economic prosperity and took men for granted.  Now, in 2014 there are plenty of them that want to have children and settle down and of course it has become harder to find the right guy due to their age, and the pressures of the biological clock.  The GenX women are the first wave of women in American culture that actually ignored the truth about aging and remained more self-serving than having aspirations for having a family.  For this reason many of these women know how to attract a man, but fail to understand how to keep one in a relationship.  Life was all about them in the 1990’s and almost 20 years later they are back again for an encore on the dating scene as divorcees or women with children who have never married.  It is not a stretch for men in the generation before them and behind them to view them as attention-seekers not knowing when the Sand Man at the Apollo Theatre has escorted them off the stage.

 

Individually, GenX women did nothing wrong, however the stigma of being associated with the generation that lived in excess in the 1990’s that gave us the Y2K and dot com boom and bust or judged by some as a collective.  Another aspect of this association that is commonly omitted is that of their off-spring that also eludes to a sense of entitlement.  However, some younger men who date these older women are willing to enjoy the sex and attention, but fail to see the retained value they once had and therefore may lead them into relationships with no intention of investing time and or capital in them long-term.  The silent value of a woman comes into play which is that perceived value a woman is worth when assessing whether or not to make the investment.   Think of it like this, if you own a 1968 Rolls Royce and a brake-job costs US$1,900 just because it is a Rolls and you could instead put money down on a newer vehicle without such high maintenance cost, the rationale becomes a no-brainer.  The point is that like automobiles, women decrease in value from the perception of others as do men.  The distinction is that women are judged based on physical attributes and men are judged based more on the ability to provide a certain standard of living.  In most cases, the GenX woman will not appreciate a man without the means to support her and yet many of them are weak when it comes to dealing with financial hardships.  The reason for this is often based on exposure and experiences.  Most often we judge people based on three primary criteria, social worth, physical appeal, and perceived character.  However, few of us look at our potential partners from a generational perspective.

 

The younger generations after them seem to have a goal-oriented outlook which involves not waiting for an employer to dictate their destiny, but to take the reigns and lead.  In other words they prefer to make their own, have their own, and not bask in the pursuit of acting and singing careers,  This group of Millenials or people born in the 1990’s and will turn 21 in the earlier part of the 21st Century display a whole new set of values and sentiments.  So far these individuals show promise by being reared with technology with a full understanding about the value of an education.  The differences are stark and after seeing what  happens during a deep recession, they are motivated not to fail.  Through it all, each generation of men and women had their attributes and short comings.  The question remains, “Will the person you seek be valued for his or her economic potential, physical attraction, or character?”

The Truth About Lying in Relationships

Jausan Logo The Truth About Lying in Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

tumblr_mad1k0YD9N1rxax1go1_1280    There is a truth about lying in relationships and both parties have to do it on occasion to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings.  The problem is that often times these lies can lead to a misconceptions about the status of a relationship and the self-perception of the partner.  There are five fundamental threats to a woman’s happiness in a relationship. 1) her own insecurities, 2) the fear of wasting time with their chosen partner, 3) another woman internal (friends) or external (other women) invading her relationship, 4) her partner losing interest in her, and 5) the most dreaded, her weight. 

As you can see 4 & 5 are tangible concerns in that they are directed related and are elements that fall flatly on the shoulders of the woman.  In general women are hardest on themselves when it comes to issues pertaining to the body.  In most cases they prefer to either avoid thinking about it or working on it in some way to enhance it. Some men use it as a weapon to control the female much like a mafia extortion tool to empower themselves in order to control behavior such as exercise and diet.  The goal is to make the woman feel as though she has done something wrong by getting fat.   The situation is then used as cover for infidelity or other activities that can threaten her and the relationship such as breaking-up or divorce.  This is when a lie can be perpetrated by those guys who exploit this insecurity.

    How many times have you heard a woman complain about her weight?   Most often the guy may not be annoyed by it as long as the sex is good.  In fact, some guys have a serious fetish about on dating or marrying women whoa re gross over-weight or out-of-shape.  They like the abundance of the woman like a child laying in a water-bed for the first time.  But one major thing that comes about is that a guy with this preference may lie to the female and encourage her to gain the weight, not to cheat on her, but to place her in a place of dependency and in extreme measure immobility.  The objective is to continue a perpetual trend of ensuring that she will not leave him.  The thought process is that she will remain attractive enough for him, but repulsive enough to lessen her chances to meet a better catch.  Now, there is a distinction between loving someone who is large upon meeting them and being concerned about their health without the constraint of “lose all of the weight or else”.  However, men will also need to grow-up if they meet a woman who is a size zero initially and then has several children.  Many women spread after having children and retain a certain amount of weight afterwards.  And one foot note, the celebrities that make claims about losing the baby-weight varies, because we never know ow many specialists they can afford to hire to undergo the process.

Guys who are into this sort of fetish may actually become angry if the weight is lost because there are men out there who like cellulite and stretch-marks because they think they are sexy.  Yes, and for this reason, larger women wearing tight-fitting clothing that many would make double-takes to stare at the spectacle, they are confident because someone told them they look good.  Some people may call these guys “Chubby Chasers”, but even in that realm of humanity the fantasy out-weighs the reality of health concerns.  And sometimes a larger single woman may dress provocative just to get the attention because the rationale is that she only needs one good guy out of the pack.  These women are very keen on this and even though some may laugh and point, there is a man, woman, or couple that would love to bed them.

Of course there are others that insist on wearing the clothing you used to wear back when they were a bit shapelier and by doing so after many pounds later it may serve as a bit of therapy for someone to notice them.  What they are doing is exactly what slimmer women do, but they are ridiculed for their size more so than their other attributes.  The misconception is that if others lie to her about how attractive she is when it is obvious that she is not, then she may believe them to a point of taking the social flack.  Usually, women who are large and provocative develop tough skin over time and this has a lot to do with being under-appreciated by society as a whole.  The media influences our self perceptions and being that 70% of advertisement is geared toward women with a message that challenges their current status, this reaction is normal.  The toughest part of dealing with a guy who has such a fetish is to distinguish when you best interest is placed in jeopardy over his desire to fulfill a fantasy.  In concept, this is a selfish move on his part. 

One of the main complaints among men about larger women is the lack of flexibility during sex.  However, a man may still find himself dating or being with a larger woman despite the criticism.  No matter what, these women need to be loved like anyone else and sometimes they may need to go that extra mile to feel appreciated and take a break from the social criticism and just be themselves.  The Biggest threat is a patronizing (not loving) partner that only sees his fantasy being met based on a larger size woman.   

 

 

 

Knowing When It Is Over

Knowing When It Is Over
Romantic Truth ®
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

You are in a relationship and for some unknown reason you go to hug your partner and he or she pulls away. Soon-after, the sex stops and your partner is preoccupied with other things such as the computer, hanging out with friends or just going away without telling you as a courtesy. These are usually the first steps to a break-up. In many cases this exercise is done to create distance and do away with emotional attachment. Later the alienation escalates to the point of distinguishing items that are yours and theirs that were once shared by the two of you.  If you think about it, this in itself is a selfish move and yes, it gets worse when he or she fails to call or even come home.

These are all symptoms of a dying relationship and of course you may want to talk to him or her and maybe they will agree with you doing most of the talking.  By this point the partner has shut-down and may be at the point of either moving out or asking you to do so.  Usually, this distance is a measure of self-preservation that only leads to their fulfillment.  In many ways the silence is worse than any word that could be uttered.  The next phase is the change in attitude and the use of the word “friend” to redefine your role in their lives.  Once this occurs you have been demoted from the relationship to an outsider.   Think of friend as a term used for someone they have never slept with or dated.

By placing you at this distance, they have dehumanized you to a point of making an objective decision.  The premise for such behavior has a lot to do with the perception of missing-out on someone perceived to be better than you.  However, the one thing that people may fail to understand is that other people have tolerances like them.  For this reason people like myself have a no return and no exchange policy.  Think of how many people you have slept with and today they classify you as friend.  The larger question is that “Are those friends that he or she introduced you to during the relationship bed-buddies also?”  For this reason, people are very suspicious about dating others with a lot of friends of the opposite sex.  Guys automatically demote women from prospective wife status when they meet her if she only has male friends.  The rationale behind this is that the guys have either slept with her or would like to sleep with her and are hanging around for their chance.

What is at play in these situations is that the person is seizing “power” and therefore attempting to put the other party into a submissive position where he or she will tolerate terms that they construct to sustain the relationship.  In some cases it may involve a man telling his woman that another woman in the bedroom is a requirement or a woman telling  guy that she wants an open relationship without questions.  In any case a person can be used and abused if they comply and there is no leverage to sustain the relationship at the level before.

Social media is usually the culprit for these snap decisions, but not solely to blame in that by communicating online, he or she can place your relationship back where it was before they dated you.  A clean slate without the emotional attachment and the ability to seek-out the person that you are not.  Yes, the distancing is personal and not based on anything else.   You can wear lingerie, show up naked, do every sex act known to humanity and it still would not matter.  By this time your partner sees you as an obstacle and breaking up with you or leaving you is the ultimate solution.  Therefore, it is best to discover early what is going on and save your emotional capital and leave with the understand that the whole situation is completely terminated.  And besides, friends usually outlast lovers and what would you want a past lover as a friend because if he or she was going to be that in your life, you would have established that well before becoming intimate.

 

 

The Reality of Mercy Sex

The Reality of Mercy Sex
J A U S A N ®                       
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

The one thing that women may be challenged with that many men fail to acknowledge is the Mercy Sex complex.  There are few women who do this as a means to either get rid of a guy or to reduce his interest in her.  It sounds bizarre, but there is a method to this madness.  The women do this in an effort of ending a relationship or the probability of a relationship.  The premise is simple, to sleep wit the guy and create a non-event type of experience so that he would not care to sleep with them again.  Most often this is used by women who have a guy that has literally done everything she wanted for her and in some way she feels as though she owes him a favor.  The easiest way to seal the deal and move on in thier minds at times is to just sleep with him and all things are good.

As mentioned earlier, only a select group of women use this tactic because it serves two purposes, 1) to see whether the guy is worth pursuing in a long-term arrangement, and 2) to repay a debt of some sort.  In both cases, women should avoid using this approach because when it comes to sex guys will return until the life-line is cut.  You may hear women mention getting rid of a guy through just having sex with him.  Wrong answer, because it becomes more of an incentive.  Another factor that may come into play is the use of sex in times of crisis, for instance, your girlfriend  breaks her boyfriend’s heart and you take it upon yourself to 1) jump at the opportunity, and 2) to satisfy your curiosity about the tales she may have told about her escapades in the bedroom.

Guilt is usually the motivating factor that compels someone to use sex in this way.  The fact is that sex on this level have more challenges in the sense that it may become casual and routine quickly.  The problem usually comes about after the crisis has past and one or both parties view the liaison as nothing more than a convenient booty-call.  However, if pregnancy occurs then there are another host of problems.

Mercy Sex can also be born out of extreme loneliness, especially between women and their best male friend.  The danger is that once intimate, the friendship can never be the same.  Think of it this way, once naked and in a compromising position, that image is burned into the mind.  Therefore, women who try to return to a platonic relationship with a male friend after intimacy are just fooling themselves.  One falsehood that women believe is that men think lesser of them after sleeping with them.  To the contrary men may in fact treat them better than others after sharing such an experience.  However, one thing that women fail to understand is that their attitude in the process of getting to the point of intimacy is what makes men act like jerks after sex.  The goal of every guy is to see as many women as possible naked in their life-time that are not related to them and in a relevant age-range.  This is the very reason why porn is so popular among men because it is the voyeuristic aspect of it all.  In short, when they see a woman built a certain way nude then they have an idea how a woman may look naked even though she has clothes.

The threat of porn is the reason why some women do things with their partners that they may not like doing or would not normally do in other relationships.  These sex acts against a person’s preference is a form of mercy sex.  There are women offended by oral sex for instance and this may lead to a wandering partner or worse, a “headless husband”.  Also, this situation can be reversed with women that may desire certain sex acts that the husband may find offensive.  However, the latter is less likely.  Strip-clubs, porn, and gawking at other women is a symptom more so than a problem.  Becoming defensive is more of an excuse than a real solution.  In short, intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship, but should never be the sole focus in a relationship.

When Love Cannot Fix It

When Love Cannot Fix It
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

As people we seek a great equalizer of sorts such as a deity, or some other being that will take up our cause and work for our welfare in the hopes of getting some sort of redress and acknowledgment for our good-deeds and sacrifice.  We may encapsulate this quest in the form of love in order to protect us from many of life’s realities.  Our goal becomes to insulate ourselves from hurt or disappointment in relationships.  This means using tools such as denial, half-truths, and even the cloak of love to prevent reality from bursting our bubble.

Therefore, even if we are told by friends and family that we have made a bad selection for a mate, our compulsion is to ignore that fact and improvise based on emotional security in the face of logical solutions.  A sense of teaming or bonding takes place between us and our partners to a point that even if and when we discover the reality our instinct is to ignore it in the name of love.

The word love in general is ambiguous and has little universal meaning even though it is defined in dictionaries throughout the world.  The word is powerful enough to have a woman spread her legs, yet deadly enough to for a man to go to prison for in extreme cases.  The interpretation of the word is the variable that changes throughout the ages.  Think about the various religion denominations in the Christian faith, where other franchises were formed due to the elements of the practice that groups accepted and rejected.  This same subjectivity defines where people live in that if a community is considered bad, you may have a St. Louis and East St. Louis as an example.  Love works the same way, it’s value is determined by the person or persons involved.

This imbalance in value for the term is what gets us in trouble when it comes to choosing, defining, and sticking by a mate.  Hoe many times have you fallen in love with someone and the sentiments were not reciprocated and you wound up compensating for that lack of emotional comfort for your mate?  Now, if you really think hard enough, you saw the signs but ignored them.  Most people will spend more time doing research on mortgages and automobile financing that they do in selecting a mate.  The assumption for many is that God. love. etc. will do all of the heavy-lifting so that you are making the right choice.  However, we do not dare allow such faith to prevail when it comes to financing a tangible item with a banker.

One major flaw in most relationships is the fact that people do not read or want to know the facts.  In other words this means reading the emotional sentiments of a partner or even reading the proper documents or articles that could assist in resolving problems within the relationship. However from a macro-view, the evidence is obvious, our self-interest and pride are more important to prove the family and friends wrong about our partners and to remain by their side in the hopes of a better tomorrow.  The sad truth is we become disappointed when the partner expresses lesser interest in us than we do in them and leaves us heart-broken and swearing that we will never love again until finding another candidate.

The biggest problem that many people have is falling too quickly, too much, and too deep in love with someone that may not feel the same way and in turn we superimpose that deficit in our minds promoting a sense of childish make-believe romance where the fantasy trumps the reality.