50 Shades of Appreciation for Loose Women

Women strive hard to retain a positive reputation and that is commendable but there are those women who prefer to be themselves and pursue their desires despite the expectations of society.  These women are very popular and often times their pursuits come under scrutiny by the broader population because morality is used as a judgment stick along with a bit of envy in the sense they have ventured into areas where social and moral constraints forbid them. Usually, a sense of jealousy and envy takes place among women in this regard and they are the first to label a woman a whore.  Guys do this on a non-commercial bases due to three main factors, 1) a low regard for women in general, 2) emotional hurt from a relationship, and 3) attempting to fit in with the modern urban culture.  In any case referring to a women whether she is or is not is wrong because despite the motivations on her part, she has needs and desires like anyone else and the superficial constraints imposed by religion and society are moot in that the very acts committed by these women also occur in the bedrooms of the moralists.

The distinction is that the “Loose Woman” is envied by broad swatches of women and are commoditized for their physical features and hedonism by men.  Now, this is a double-edge sword from a man’s perspective in the sense that these women will never become devalued to the level other women may view them, instead there are “50 Shades of Appreciation” for these women.  The question remains for some, “Why would a man date or marry a “Loose Woman”?  The answer is very simple and rather concerning, “They can be trusted for a pattern of behavior”.  The logic is that with a more conventional woman that frowns upon women who have had many encounters with men, may in fact use morality as a facade to over-compensate for past indiscretions.  In other words, the Loose Woman is an open book and therefore the expectation of fewer surprises on down the road in a relationship is less likely to occur.  In a sense, this is a form of reverse filtering of relationships, to weed-out the posers and deal only with the true women as they see them.

It is assumed that the “Loose Woman” will do things in the bedroom that most conventional women may find offensive, but if truth is told there is merit to this argument.  However, the only distinction is that the conventional woman does not readily reveal her desires.  The obvious disadvantage for the Loose Woman is the social ridicule and questionable reputation among some men and women, but the advantage is that she is sought by a larger percentage of men.  In fact, the guys in some cases prefer the under-dog and therefore treats her better than the conventional woman which may be classified as boring.  Another fetish that some men may have is an attraction to someone that has been “used” sexually.  However, it should be noted that some men cheat with married women for this very reason in knowing that someone else has been or remains with her.  Many times, (but not always) they may like stretch-marks, and cellulite which symbolizes a sense of aged sexual attraction that may correlate with a current spouse or lover with the same physical characteristics.

Even though some men may laugh at the guy that winds up with one of these women either because they have slept with her, know someone who has, or even based their opinion solely on rumor, some men still endure.  One thing to remember is that the Loose Woman is more than a sexual being, she has personality, and other attributes besides the domicile between her thighs.  This is the rationale for guys to date and marry strippers, exotic dancers, escorts, and prostitutes, because they separate the people from the profession.  In the case of whoredom, the logic is similar in that sex is separated from love and therefore judging them is moot.

No matter how we choose to pass judgment on the perceived Loose Women, we really do not know in most cases about their experiences and intentions, but project our own assumptions onto what we prefer to like or believe about them.  Other men may feel as if there is no threat to them and therefore continue to dating and marry these women with a clear understanding that they probably will not change their habits.

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The Pseudo Independent Woman

“I am an independent woman!” is an all too common and cliché’ phrase that women who are actually not empowered use to give the illusion or try to convince others that they are truly independent.  A truly independent woman would not have to say such a thing, but instead allow others to admire her actions.  The falsehood is that many people in general think that because they have their own apartment, condo, townhouse, or house they are considered independent, but this is not the case because being independent means that you are also not dependent on a company to provide you a livelihood that you do not own.  So, even though it may seem impressive to mention such a thing in conversation as a point to impress others, it is more of a personal victory more so than a banner to wave as an accomplishment to the world.  The fact is that as long as you work for someone else you remain dependent on the company for your progress and success to some degree.

When women used to mention this in conversation to seemingly make themselves more desirable as a potential dating partner I would ask two questions; 1) Where do you work? and 2) Do you own the company or a majority share-holder in it?  The answer was always “No” to both questions.  In essence people who have jobs and do not own properties yet because they are still paying on them are going about life normally.  And if they have paid-off debt, it is a pretty good position to be in when selecting a partner.  One thing that should be considered is that a person does not care to lose what they have despite gender.  This is the reason why men are not so impressed with the independent woman assertions because  they could have a mountain of debt following them as well.

Finances are a big issue in relationships even though we care not to mention the reality because it is not as romantic.  For instance, a one-night-stand is a financial risk for a guy in that he could be stuck paying child-support if a pregnancy results.  Also, the woman could be stuck with the liability of taking care of a child if the father is irresponsible.  Marrying someone with a lot of debt is another factor to consider because until those debts are assets or paid off in some way, the party with the debt is associated with that liability until things change.  Credit card and student loan debts are the two most common reasons that most people are excluded from potential relationships.  Others are child support, judgments, and alimony.  The best practice is to be debt-free prior to any relationship or have such a low debt to income ration that it poses no threat.  And “Yes”, some people are bold enough to ask for credit scores.  However, if it ever gets to this level and you are not going to marry the person it is time to move on.  This is also a filter that inadvertently leaves those with bad credit in the company of other singles in the same situation.  One thing that you should avoid is the expectation of anyone bailing you out of debt and be very reluctant for those willing to do so freely.  Years ago, I had the luxury of dating an obscenely wealthy young-lady who insisted on paying off my debts and buying me anything I so desired.  Despite efforts to thwart such advances, she purchased the US$1K suits, Rolex watches, etc.  I made sure to thank her, but never took possession of the items and thankfully, I followed my first mind.  Her next boyfriend chose to take on the items, cars, use of private jets, and homes in various parts of the world.  All was wonderful until he chose attempt to venture on his own and she quickly clamped down on those ambitions and basically had a pet that she could control because it was all her domain.  Years later she and I remain cordial friends and his life is still controlled without a chance in hell of ever getting his paws on her family’s money.  So in essence the compromise he was willing to make cost him his dignity, personal respect, and all of his dreams and aspirations in life for security.  It would have been laughable to hear him say “I’m an independent man.”

The reality is that everyone needs someone to make things happen including Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, etc.  If it could have been done solely by one person then there would have been far more millionaires in the United States than there are currently.  Couples that unite and work together with measured goals are usually the most successful because the struggle actually bonds them closer.  The added benefit is that they know who they can trust.  Think about the successful singles who have to go out and weed through people to find just one person they can trust will blowing capital all along the way.  Now, it is true that people can change when money is involved, but they actually do not change it is commonly and element of their personality that you may not have seen before.

Unfortunately, the independent woman argument is used more with African-American women which falls in line with many of the complaints that some African-American men have about some women using this assertion.  It sounds confrontational and masculine and many of the guys seek a more feminine woman that does not have to go there.  There are independent women of all ethnicities that never make an assertion of this nature and still manage to find a wonderful partner and have a great life.  And the foolish notion that money is the answer to a bad relationship is a joke because money is a tool to make life more comfortable, not a relationship mediator.  In any case, finances will have to come up at some point in a long-term relationship to approach it wisely.

The Reality of Mercy Sex

The Reality of Mercy Sex
J A U S A N ®                       
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

The one thing that women may be challenged with that many men fail to acknowledge is the Mercy Sex complex.  There are few women who do this as a means to either get rid of a guy or to reduce his interest in her.  It sounds bizarre, but there is a method to this madness.  The women do this in an effort of ending a relationship or the probability of a relationship.  The premise is simple, to sleep wit the guy and create a non-event type of experience so that he would not care to sleep with them again.  Most often this is used by women who have a guy that has literally done everything she wanted for her and in some way she feels as though she owes him a favor.  The easiest way to seal the deal and move on in thier minds at times is to just sleep with him and all things are good.

As mentioned earlier, only a select group of women use this tactic because it serves two purposes, 1) to see whether the guy is worth pursuing in a long-term arrangement, and 2) to repay a debt of some sort.  In both cases, women should avoid using this approach because when it comes to sex guys will return until the life-line is cut.  You may hear women mention getting rid of a guy through just having sex with him.  Wrong answer, because it becomes more of an incentive.  Another factor that may come into play is the use of sex in times of crisis, for instance, your girlfriend  breaks her boyfriend’s heart and you take it upon yourself to 1) jump at the opportunity, and 2) to satisfy your curiosity about the tales she may have told about her escapades in the bedroom.

Guilt is usually the motivating factor that compels someone to use sex in this way.  The fact is that sex on this level have more challenges in the sense that it may become casual and routine quickly.  The problem usually comes about after the crisis has past and one or both parties view the liaison as nothing more than a convenient booty-call.  However, if pregnancy occurs then there are another host of problems.

Mercy Sex can also be born out of extreme loneliness, especially between women and their best male friend.  The danger is that once intimate, the friendship can never be the same.  Think of it this way, once naked and in a compromising position, that image is burned into the mind.  Therefore, women who try to return to a platonic relationship with a male friend after intimacy are just fooling themselves.  One falsehood that women believe is that men think lesser of them after sleeping with them.  To the contrary men may in fact treat them better than others after sharing such an experience.  However, one thing that women fail to understand is that their attitude in the process of getting to the point of intimacy is what makes men act like jerks after sex.  The goal of every guy is to see as many women as possible naked in their life-time that are not related to them and in a relevant age-range.  This is the very reason why porn is so popular among men because it is the voyeuristic aspect of it all.  In short, when they see a woman built a certain way nude then they have an idea how a woman may look naked even though she has clothes.

The threat of porn is the reason why some women do things with their partners that they may not like doing or would not normally do in other relationships.  These sex acts against a person’s preference is a form of mercy sex.  There are women offended by oral sex for instance and this may lead to a wandering partner or worse, a “headless husband”.  Also, this situation can be reversed with women that may desire certain sex acts that the husband may find offensive.  However, the latter is less likely.  Strip-clubs, porn, and gawking at other women is a symptom more so than a problem.  Becoming defensive is more of an excuse than a real solution.  In short, intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship, but should never be the sole focus in a relationship.

Using Sex as a Tool in Relationships

Using Sex as a Tool in Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

There are people on the singles scene who believe sex is a tool that can trump logic when it comes to conflict, problems, and impasses.  And the sad commentary is that these people take this warped sense of normalcy into long-term relationships.  And the differences between the genders in relation to sex from this perspective are vastly different.  The guy is the hunter and the female is the prey.  Every woman exploits this probability for a man in some way.  However, very few women realize that men have two main focuses with any woman outside family and close friends, 1) to see them naked if permitted, and 2) to sleep with them.  Very few guys will ever confess to this, bur being that I am single, I am will take a bullet for the team LoL.  However, there are some habits from the Premium Sexual Possibility (PSP) that women dangle in front of men at times that makes it into marriages. How many times have you heard a married woman use a sexual act as a favor to acquire items with husband, sometimes jokingly and other times seriously.  The truth is that manipulation and exploitation are part of who we are as humans and therefore routines utilizing these elements in our personalities become an acceptable practice.

Think of it this way, a single female that does not use her sexuality as leverage with men would never consider having to perform a sex act even joking in an effort to acquire the thing she wants and later in marriage those same practices are exercised.  The dynamic is that this may influence her choice in mates such as a partner who can appreciate an independent woman who doesn’t have to use her sexuality to manipulate.  On occasion a joke for sarcasm. may be… but when it becomes part of a routine there may be communications issues or terms within the relationship that may be imbalanced.

It takes a while for some people to figure out that sex is a relevant part of a relationship that eventually tapers-off with age.   We hear all of the exceptions to the rules of course, but by and large couples that have been together for an extended period of time do not engage in the practice as they did in their younger years before or shortly after marriage.  There are many factors that come into play such as kids, work schedules, and disputes that may result from time to time in some sort of isolation.  You hear the senseless argument of couples picking a fight for the make-up sex.  The truth is that if a couple has to go to such an extreme that could be accomplished with a total stranger instead of a loved one.

The shock for many women who base their relationship largely on the sexual aspect is when the male partner cheats or outsources the practice.  Sexual currency does have a shelf-life and there has to be more than sex itself to keep a relationship going as we know, but sex is not therapy because the conflict that existed before going into the bed-room remains outside of it.  One example is if or when a man cheats and instead of dealing with the reason for his infidelity, she falls into competition with the other woman to win him back sexually.

The sexual favors and sexual therapy approaches remain controversial to some women because it smacks of prostitution and desperation.  However, many of the modern independent women have sex with their partner out of love and physical need while retaining their independence, sense of self-worth and personal integrity.

Another issue that comes about with over-sexualized relationships is that over time she gets boring to him due to no fault of her own.  It has more to do with men preferring to see other features, builds, and types of women in the physical sense. An example of this is the estimated 2 billion plus men estimated throughout the world that have looked at adult material either over the Internet or in print.  Therefore, some women are intimidated by the material and fall under the impression that the women being viewed is what is desired.  In some cases that is true, but interestingly enough there are some informal surveys such as results published in the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/cheating-study_n_4032035.html) that counters this argument suggesting that people cheat with less attractive partners.  The implications are that the model types in magazines or on the Internet are dreams instead of realities.

In closing. women using sexual currency to get things may want to review the structure of their relationship and those that use it as a means to appease after abuse may need to seek help.  Statistically, sex only last for 15 minutes according to some surveys and this means some people may interact with their partners and spouses in the same time-alotted intervals when it comes to conflict.  There are many licensed professionals that can assist in resolving issues and these resources are sometimes underutilized.

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

People fail to discuss this issue, but it was brought up during a recent conversation with a female friend.  She has been single since The Great Recession of 2008 after going through a divorce.  Now, she has recovered financially and emotionally and is ready to date once more.  The difficulty for her is that during the time of her financial and emotional rehabilitation, she met this guy and became very close friends early on.  Now, however she is comfortable with him and his personality, but she used the dreaded FRIENDS word that guys hate to hear.

The problem of course is that their relationship is platonic and never had sexual or romantic overtures and she wants to change that perception of the relationship.  This is a typical situation that some women more so than men find themselves in when trust issues remain in the ether of life after divorces or break-ups.  As with most women, she does not want to be perceived as a loose woman or easy in some way, but she does have her sexual needs.

I explained to her that in any relationship a woman sets the pace in respect to how fast it advances and the limits.  If she is really smart boundaries should be set up-front.  The one thing that women in general should realize is that once a woman classifies a guy as a friend, it translates to “There is no way in hell I will ever sleep with you”.  One rule of thumb I used to use on the dating scene was to establish the friendship word first to put her at ease and to avoid confining myself too early with someone before finding a better match.  However, in this case the gentleman agreed with her about the friendship and never tried to advance.

Now he could be like myself and several other friends I know that hold a woman to their word in respect to converting friends to lovers.  The reason behind this is to quickly label them and move on through the 3 billion or so women in the world until finding a suitable match.  Another reason why most guys do not hang around too much after being called the friend is due to the pet-treatment when the guy is a harmless little toy with an appendage.  There are more than enough guys playing nice as friends waiting for the opportunity to bed their female friend.

I recommended to her not to sleep with him not on moral grounds, but because she only knows him as a platonic friend and not in an intimate way to so abruptly change that situation.  Needless to say, my advice was cast to the side and she did the deed.  Afterwards, she felt really bad and to make matters worse, he changed his number and will not speak to her.  She wanted me to blog about this and give her my suggestion after being beside herself for compromising a friendship.  I’ll be brief.

The reason why he slept with you and failed to resume the friendship has to do with several factors that you would not have any control over.  First he was not into to you sexually, but maybe viewed you as as sister-figure.  Secondly, he is probably serious about some else and you would be in the way. Thirdly, he may not have thought you were that good in bed.  I understand that this may sound rather harsh, but even though you built up a level of trust with him over the years, he wrote you off as a good friend based on what you established early on.  Over time he got to know you better and maybe you also knew him too well for a relationship.  Mystery while meeting someone is one of the thrills of dating.

Also,  better approach is to establish your intentions early on instead of springing it on him because rarely will a guy turn down sex.  There are some people who are better at public relations than with one-on-one interpersonal communications or intimacy.  In any case it was a learning experience.  Each situation is different and therefore you did all of the right things, however remember that if you opt for a booty-call of sorts please do not expect nothing more than that.  More than likely he left because a relationship was not what he was looking for at the time.  It’s not personal just subjective dating.

Dating a Know It All

Dating a Know It All
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

The biggest waste of time when it comes to dating is the “Know it All!” They usually have more answers than they have logic, experience, or research to back them up.  In some ways this compulsion to blurt-out an answer just for the sake of impressing others has more to do with an inferiority complex than anything else.  One thing that most wiser people do is to avoid being the smartest person in the room because they learn more when their mouths are shut than when randomly babbling.

Sometimes this complex come from feeling displaced or being a social outcast in some way.  However, this is not to confuse you with the intellectual that may have his or her facts and figures together.  Even though they may sound a bit wonky and too detailed in their dialogue, at least most often they know what the hell they are talking about.  The Know it All may improvise if he or she is not sure about a certain topic of conversation.  Once they have some sort of a clue they may run with the topic while interjecting phrases and a comments that are irrelevant.  Before going any further with these personality types, ask yourself if you could endure a life-time of this behavior.

Many times Know it Alls do not care to be challenged and would never admit to not knowing something.  One tactic that is commonly used by them is to use trivia instead of history, math, science, or some other discipline to project intellectual superiority.  They are always right in their minds with the attitude that no one especially their partner knows much aout anything.  In fact as the relationship evolves they may marginalize a partner’s intellectual contributions in conversations among friends and others. Both men and women may have this complex.  In some extreme cases you will find what is coined a “Pseudo Intellectual” or that individual who uses big words without understanding both the meaning and context.  They may even mispronounce words without a thought of picking up a dictionary to redress the mistake.  Also, in some cases they may become offended if a partner corrects their grammar to assist them in their public presentation.

Men most often fall into this category even though many women remain quiet to resolve the situation in their heads before speaking.  This is one of the main reasons that women are so quiet sometimes, not because of a submissive disposition, but to listen, interpret, then respond to issues and dialogue.  If you think about it, if a guy gets into a altercation or embarrasses the couple, the female is usually the ambassador to diplomatically resolve conflict.  This is not to say that the roles are never reversed or that women are smarter, the approach to thinhs are different.

There is one other thing about the Know it All personality type, they like to hear themselves speak correctly or not.  The fact of the matter is that rejection and constructive criticism are viewed as a personal attack and grossly unacceptable and therefore they become entrenched in their position.  Good luck with marrying and trying to wait them out for change.  This is an issue that they may have to deal with until they find someone who can actually endure this behavior.

 

Should I tell what I saw?

Should I tell what I saw?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

The situation that I am about to present is nothing new and many of you have been faced with this, seeing something that may end a relationship for a friend or family members.  Have you ever been somewhere a saw your best-friend romantically involved with someone else instead of his or her partner?  Even though you may witness this the likelihood is that you probably would not tell your best-friend’s partner.  Now, there are some that may decide to inform the best-friend’s partner in order to have a fleeting chance at dating him or her, “Yes some people will go there.”  But for the most part you may just have words with you best-friend about his or her behavior when appropriate.

On the other-hand, if the roles were reversed and you saw your best-friend’s partner cheating on them, then the rules change a bit for some.  By telling your best-friend you may be that true friend. However, you could also get scorned for bringing the bad news.  This is one situation that people contend with on a regular basis and there is not a clear answer in that reactions vary.  Years ago a friend of mine wanted me to pick him up at his girl-friend’s home on the way to basketball practice.  She answered the door without a stitch of clothing on in preparation for his delayed arrival.  Needless to say we were both initially embarrassed. I turned away as a gentleman and she threw up her hands “Well now you know what I look like naked.” and smiled.  She vanished into her bed-room to dress more appropriately and fortunately for me my best-friend showed up afterwards without a clue to what I witnessed.   It has been decades since and the issue never came up and to this day. Yes, we are still friends and the relationship with the lady ended years after that inadvertent incident due to other incompatibilities.

Even in the aforementioned situation I had to use judgment as did his partner at the time.  Had I mentioned the incident, my friendship would have been in question as well as being blamed for a premature break-up in the relationship.  In this case, I used the best course of action at the time to retain all relationships.  Besides my girl-friend at the time would have not bought such an innocent mishap.

As in my case, it situation is different and you have to weight the cost of a friendship against the information that could end it.  Most often people would like to know if their best-friend saw something, but that can be tricky also because they may not believe you.

Boys, Business Cards & BS

Boys, Business Cards & BS
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

In recent weeks I have received several emails from single women in many metropolitan areas such as Los Angeles, Atlanta, Detroit, and New York about encountering imposters that parade ay singles venues handing out business cards. This type of individual is a legacy problem on the dating scene and does not limit themselves to only metropolitan areas.  However, a higher concentration of them remain in larger urban areas or places where upward mobility is important when it comes to social status and recognition. Their goal is to impress and bed women and that is it in a nut-shell (no pun intended).  These guys may have a great online presence with elaborate web sites and sell every product known to man on them as part of their hustle.  However, the business is secondary to the primary goal of attracting women, bedding them and moving on.  Ladies, there are some red-flags that you should observe before getting too involved with these personality types.

The most common approach by some  men on the dating scene is to begin the conversation with a business card. Many women in the aforementioned cities are hip to the game of flagrant self-importance and may not even accept such an approach at a non-work-related venue such as a bar or night-club.  The purpose of the business-card is to extend his professional brand in order to impress a woman or women during a leisurely function.  The last thing that a woman cares to see away from work is a business-card shoved in her face due to a man’s lack of interpersonal skills.  Some guys believe that the business-card will serve as a shorten version of a resume that will give him a pass from the vetting process.

Most smarter women out in bars, restaurants and, clubs do not take the business cards because it is the wrong venue to bring up work which may easily translate into a job or boss they are there to forget until the work-week.  Now, before I get an avalanche of email from guys swearing how legitimate their businesses or services may be, it should be understood that there are many legitimate businessmen out there on the dating scene; however peddling the enterprise has an appropriate context and venue.  Presenting such a tool is okay for small-talk, but women may pick up quickly that he wants the conversation to be totally about him and this turns women off.  The problem for guys using business cards in nightclubs is that every other not-so-legitimate competitor does the same thing.

Whether the guy’s business is legitimate or not is irrelevant until there is a conversation that leads into that direction, but to begin with an introduction and a card is a bad way to start. Besides conveying a lack of interpersonal skills it also smacks of a bit of insecurity to hide behind a title or business.  When meeting a woman for the first time character and personality rank first.  If it did not a women would ask a guy what he does for a living before saying “Hello”.

In Los Angeles and other major cities being a you fill in the blank ______producer on a business card means nothing to most women hip to the game because so many guys have tried this before. Another reason why women care not to accept business cards is due to the large number of multi-level-marketing (MLM) schemes that people are involved with and the last thing they care to have is someone hounding them about attending a meeting or getting people on a down-line sales tree.

I have discussed this topic informally with a group of women spanning from their mid-twenties to early forties and unanimously they all agreed that business-cards on the  first approach for a conversation, dance, or contact was a definite turn-off. Most of them view someone handing out cards from MLM’s as unemployed or under-employed. They preferred to talk to a guy first face-to-face without “props” as one respondent called them. One thing that a couple of the women especially disliked were cards that had an individual’s name on it with various companies and titles because that conveyed that the guy seemed undecided or  desperate for money.  However, there was one interesting finding among the chuckles and laughs, all of the women agreed that if a guy did not lead with a business-card to start the conversation and actually sat down and spoke with them about anything else but business, they would probably accept a business-card for contact purposes.

In short, the women want to meet a tangible person first and use the business-card for purposes of contact if needed later.  One other foot-note that was revealed by one of the women. “Sometimes a women may feel pressured to give up her contact information in exchange too soon”. 

 

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Throughout life we will meet those individuals to date that friends, parents, and others may not approve of for whatever reason.  Sometimes these concerns are legitimate when it comes to a person’s welfare, safety, or dignity.  And sometimes it may stem from actually losing that individual to another through a relationship.  Change is the toxic word for many people coping with friends, family, and others that relationships with them do and should change.  However, there are some that may feel as though they are entitled to consume the space in the life of the person despite relationships and or marriage.

Disliking someone is usually the justification for many friends, relatives, and family members to stay involved with the mechanics of their loved one’s relationship.  How many times have you seen mothers and fathers attempt to break-up their daughters and sons from potentially viable relationships.  The hardest part for many parents is actually letting go.  This form of letting go is nothing more than a change that parents are not willing to accept based on many of the following attributes:

  1. Their own individual bad experiences in the past.
  2. Judging their children by the failed relationships in the past.
  3. The fear of being abandoned and forgotten.
  4. The loss of control over someone they have had for decades.
  5. Ruining or damaging the family’s reputation by associating with the other party.
  6. Fear of their child being harmed or used by someone for their body or financial means.

Fear of physical abuse or exploitation.

These are only seven of the plethora of concerns parents may have when it comes to their children dating or marrying someone.  If you noticed, all of the concerns are negative and this can be fed in a way that would bastardize the reality in which they face, especially if others with supporting negative opinions put in their two-cents.

Now, of course these concerns are valid and the son or daughter must understand that there is both an element of best interest and an element of personal interest in the outcome.  This means that the potential partners may have to prove themselves as worthy and Yes, in some cases a chance to do so may not become granted.  One element that is common for parents is to classify their children as too good for a certain person even though they have met the social standards and criteria.  In this case a sense of personal vanity on the parent’s part trumps the love that the son or daughter may have for their potential partner.  This is one of the elements used in arranged marriages where the parents knows best and the relationship is nothing more than a peace-offering to merge families together for a greater good beyond the scope of the two people.   To put it mildly this is a pluralistic and selfish approach to implement an agenda that uses the couple as pawns in a larger game.

It should be said that the majority of parents allow their cons and daughters to make their decisions when they are of age to do so; however this parental supervision may bleed well into adulthood if not checked properly.  The challenge for most people in relationships where the potential partner is disliked is much like being an attorney representing an innocent party until proven guilty.  There will be hear-say, assumptions, prejudice, and any other thing that can be used to color opinions.  Most often is there is no fault with the person they may then broaden the scope of contempt to ethnic group, geography, family, history, or any other technicality that promotes doubt.

The son or daughter is now faced with a crisis in many instances to be the mediator between family and friends and potential partner.  This is where many people have difficulty because they do not want to displease those closest to them and do not want to lose a potentially viable relationship that could make them happy.  In all decisions there are three choices 1) Change things for the better. 2) Change things for the worst, and 3) Do nothing and allow time to pass.  The third choice is the most common course of action because it requires little effort and allows the son or daughter to empower themselves as the mediator.  In this case, the keep both relationships, but such a decision is only a band-aid and is very short-term.  A common thing to happen is the potential partner may pressure the son or daughter to fix the issue with the parents or they will move on.  An ultimatum to put it lightly.

Once the potential of losing the relationship is exposed to the son or daughter, he or she may think that the partner is turning against them, but instead they are request that they take the lead in the process of reconciliation to avoid conflict.  Sometimes the potential partner may attempt to address the parents autonomously, but this rarely works because the individual has already been devalued in the minds of the parents.  The frustration comes from the potential partner in the sense that he or she is wasting valuable time in a situation that is not directly related to him or her.

What many people fail to realize is the way the son or daughter handles such a situation may be very telling about the way they will deal with adversity in the relationship or marriage.  While mentioning the  “M” word, some would like to assume that problems will be solved. The only change is that you will be married, but the crater in the relationship remains with the parents and the protection of oe day down the aisle will not give the son or daughter the respect desired.

The larger problem is simple, the parents, family, friends etc. do not have confidence in your own judgment even though many of the things you use in your assessments of mates were taught by some of the very same people so it is more of an indictment on their life-lessons for you.  Also, a common thing that some parents may do is marginalize you and your opinion through the eyes of you as a little girl or little boy even though you are grown.  In this sense it comes down to parents that don’t want to let go.  You should remember that your maturing means that they are aging and getting closer to the grave during to the cycle of life.

Others may try to live vicariously through your relationship to correct some of the mistakes in their lives.  Yet, some parents may legitimately see some short-comings from the partner; however instead of criticizing them since the parents know how important this person is to you, they may be helpful in assisting him or her to recognize and address those issues in a constructive manner.  A good rule of thumb is to briefly look at the relationship objectively and if the rationale does not add up to the accusations then more than likely an agenda is present.

The one thing that may a flawed strategy is to think that your partner is going to fight the fight on your behalf and that the integrity of the team will survive.  So many people have failed using this approach.  In fact more than likely the partner will leave because he or she did not sign-up for family counseling.  Again, another intro into something that would benefit all parties, but as expected this may be controversial and getting family into such an endeavor may prove daunting.  The usual reason for rejecting counseling is largely due tot he fact that the parents see the partner as a the problem and they did not need counseling before he or she came along.

Rumors are another weapon used to solidify their position whether it is truth or a lie, it does not matter.  The credibility of the sources are not placed into question and therefore the number of people can be exaggerated in agreement with their opinion. A forth-coming article will address in more detail dealing with family, and friends.