“Haven’t you ever dated someone who is all smiles on the outside, but fumes in anger from within only to discover that they have despised you throughout the whole relationship without showing any resentment?” This is an introduction to passive aggressive behavior. The psychology is all too common in relationships because the person fuming is actually transferring their disappointment and disdain onto you. The problem begins with them and the decision they made despite the expected outcome. Think of this as a person gambling on the Las Vegas slots hoping to hit it big and remains patient until the money they have come with is gone and they continue to pour the rent, car payment and other finances into the heartless machine. Of course there is remorse after losing and this is the same as in relationships. People expect a payoff of some sort in relationships and if this does not come about as they see fit, then they are quick to write the person off as a failure.
In fact, the passive aggressive is the failure in that he or she does not know how to express themselves so that they can move on with their lives. There are some simple pressures that people begin to take way too seriously in relationships, 1) their time, 2) their emotional capital, and 3) the time limit they assess for others. In most cases the seemingly patient individual will have a certain date or time in his or her head when things should work in their favor. What usually happens is that the person begins to think they are being used and therefore take on the color of victimhood and project blame onto the other party. The flaw is not in the person that failed to meet expectations, but the person expecting a magical change based on their agenda.
One reality that I see regularly is the guy or girl that gives up too soon in the hopes of getting something better and lashing out after being in a relationship for some time. As scripted in most human behavior it begins with personal withdrawal from the relationship and expands from there. Also, the passive-aggressive person usually interjects the word tolerance in their dialogue with their partner to further alienate them emotionally. This distance is expected to allow the other party to withdraw from the relationship voluntarily. No one should be tolerated in a relationship and therefore leaving is the best remedy, just put pride and love aside because they can get you either killed or hurt emotionally in these situations.
However, too often I have seen the passive-aggressive throw up their hands on a person only to come back if or when things don’t work out in other pursuits that seeming thwarted their progress. Each of us only have a certain period to live between the dates on our headstones and there is no set guarantee that life is obligated to treat you fairly or even allow you to have that future we inject. For the most part the ambitions in our heads and hearts sometimes do not correlate with reality and life as we live it. This means allowing things to fester as the passive-aggressive does only promotes stress and going through a plethora of people expecting a different result.
These people will usually go through relationship after relationship with this disposition and just shorten the time-span on the other party to get themselves together. The common problem is that as they apply these pressures, the people they are holding in judgment are indeed viewing them as someone they would care not to be with for an extended period of time anyway. “How may times have you heard of women waiting for the guy to finish medical school as that complain about what they have held inside all of the years?” The assumption would be that the guy that just graduated would be thankful that she did so, but instead upon understanding these sentiments it is a deliberate turn-off that he uses to find another woman that has not marginalized him through the process.
When this behavior is exposed, you begin to realize that it was all about them and not about what you were doing in the first place. People are result-oriented and those of us who work in professions that require time and patience understand that this template of a person sits in every bar and places personal ads waiting for someone to foot the bill. In short, they want the benefit instead of the work. Men are especially astute to this perception more so than women and are quick to call it as they see it. The premise for such an assertion is that men understand there is a trade-off in relationships his security for her comfort and therefore he strives for that deserving partner and not the one that comes in after the fact. This is the very rationale why you rarely see wealthy people in general marrying poor people. In most cases when you do it is the man marrying the poorer woman and rarely vice versa with a wealthier woman marrying a poorer man.
To put it bluntly, it is fair at the beginning of the relationship to declare expectations that you seek and time-lines without extension to allow the person to understand that it is not some you will compromise on and both of you can find others and not waste time.