Not Shedding a Tear

The African-American community is a place where I have tried my best to avoid identifying with after realizing that it had not progressed much after so many decades of complacency. I threw my hands up on black men back in the 1990’s because those that were worth a damn were either more educated black women or with someone outside the race. I do not blame the brothers that got out, because I deliberately did the same. As a casualty of my decision, my friends from the ghetto had to go. I made sure to make a clean break. I have no grand illusions, because people will still judge me based on my skin-color. However, I find it easier to accept being qualified by affluent whites than by worthless blacks.

I speak this truth because growing up in poverty with ignorant people around you (including family) that cared not to open a book was not my cup of tea. I am much happier living in Orange County, California with a powerful white man by my side. It is so awkward during our family reunions to see my sister still with a black man with no job and their six kids. I learned from my mother’s failure as a strong black woman that it is all BS. There was nothing strong about her but the will to whip our asses and screw men on a regular basis, including the three that my high-yellow sister struggled to love each day.

Even though black folks care not to admit it, I found no glory in being black, poor, and irrelevant. Yes, I am a sell-out if you could call it so, but at least I made it out of that environment and even though white people will not accept me as their own, it is much better than the way black have treated me my whole life. I don’t have to wear a weave for my white husband, I don’t have to have tattoos, and I don’t have to wear revealing clothes to appeal to him. The self-esteem the community took from me in my formative years are restored with him. And I was so glad when he said he was an atheist. He thought it was a deal-breaker, but in fact it was a turn-on, because even though my mother took us to church, I never took it seriously because the pastor would always make it to my mother’s bedroom every other Sunday afternoon.

I find it comical that all of my former girlfriends in the South Central Los Angeles call themselves Queens and every other type of title you can think of to make themselves feel better on Facebook and Twitter. They tease men on social media and show vaginas ad ass on web cam sites for cash. However, that is their life choice and I have no compassion. So, black folks when I am with my husband and ignore you, it is not personal, it is universal.

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Sexy Co-workers

When we think of “Provocative Co-workers”, the first thing that comes to mind is the sultry female or the guy in sales with too much ego trying to impress one of the women on staff.  However, women have one advantage over men in the work-place and that is they can dress in a more physically appealing manner.  Could you imagine a guy showing up at work with trousers so tight that his groin is the focal-point for everyone in the work-place?  When it comes to women, there are some different factors in what they wear and how they wear clothing. Despite ethics and dress-codes, women cannot hide the physical attributes that make them uniquely female.

The problem comes about in the work-place when the women can press the limits when it comes to being on the edge of code.  Most professional women dress appropriately for the work-environment as to not disrupt the work-flow.  However, there are some that care to extend their attention-gathering capabilities from the social circles into the work-place.  The downside is that the physical appeal allows them to gain the attention without having the burden of responsibility when it comes to comments, actions, and reactions for other co-workers.

As a rule of thumb for men in the work-place, leave any sort of gawking and stares at the front-door.  Sexual harassment is one of the leading reasons for men to become terminated on a job and it is almost never worth it.  There are a number of women that actually know better than to wear a very short mini or open-blouse to work, but choose to do so with the caveat, “This is who I am!”.  Yes, it is lame, but there are those that may not quite get the memo that is no way to climb the corporate ladder.

One of the common characteristics is associated with the word loud such as  over-bearing fragrances, plunging necklines, high-hemlines, and bare-legs.  The old argument was that it provokes men to assault women, but the reality is that it causes friction in the work-place, especially among other women that behave professionally.  Men that get too close to these women may suffer from guilt by association which could imply that upon promotion there could be issues placing him in a position go authority based on his lack of judgment.

The provocative co-worker may flirt among staff members, laugh and speak loudly along with ensuring that she remains the focus of attention during meetings and other departmental or company functions. It becomes less about the organizational mission at work and more about their own vanity.  As in every institution that we interact with on a daily basis, we cannot be ourselves 100% of the time.  If you bite your fingernails, there is a high likelihood that you may not do so during a business-meeting with a client.  Therefore, the logic prevails when it comes to dressing for the occasion such as work.

Some of the most common practices are women wearing low-cut or open tops where either the breasts or bra may be visible, mini-skirts without hose or underwear, or tight shorts.  Most often these actions are intentional and places them as a priority over all others.  Also, men should be aware that there are a small group of women out there in work-places across the country prone to filing sexual harassment grievances based on the attention they may or may not receive, thus making it difficult for those that have legitimate claims to be taken seriously initially.  I have witnessed this practice first-hand decades ago when a female employee found a male employee attractive and made it a point to prop her legs on his desk, wearing very provocative clothing despite the warnings from management.  The day she was fired for insubordination, she filed a claim against the gentleman that due to no fault of his own lost his job based on the guilt by association factor much like policies used if two employees brawl.

Thankfully, these women are few in number and most are in entry-level positions and under the age of 35 on average according to some studies extracted from stats filed in states.  Some of the basic practices for men would be to avoid touching any employee unless it is essential for their health or welfare.  Even if the other employee may joke around and or flirt, understand that at any moment it could escalate into something more severe.  Avoid yielding comments about gender or the woman’s attire, despite the temptation to compliment.  Jokes are the quickest way to find yourself broke and unemployed.

If you encounter this type of woman in the work-place document the date, time, and place along with witnesses and ensure that they witnessed what has occurred.  Refrain from any unnecessary dialogue or interactions with them if it is not directly work related.  More professional types already understand what is and is not appropriate.  For guys, your mouth and your hands are the two things that can get you fired in dealing with females.  Whether you are offended or not by the actions she may do or say to you, present your case to a manager or human resources in order to protect yourself before it escalates.  Usually, she will get a warning , but at least you have protected yourself and income.

As a man, you may want to keep things low-key to possibly have a chance at being with her or dating her, but you may want to advise her that the actions are inappropriate first before involving management or human resources.  Remember, that a woman is easier to get than your reputation or money.  And avoid dating this type of woman in the work-place because it is no telling how many other guys like her also and may do something foolish in her honor.  One other common theme among women who do this is to relish in the jealousy among men within the office.  Understand, that by denying the woman seeking your attention for one later that does not have to try so hard is your best bet, because her identity is not just on outward appearances.

Flirting Wives

One of the most annoying experiences for most single men are “Flirting Wives”.  These are married women that will never leave their spouses, but get a thrill out of teasing men out of their attention-spans and wallets.  Their intentions are by default, to get attention.  In many instances these women are neglected or over-looked in their current marital situations and expect to get what they cannot get from their men for strangers or more specific single men.

The benefit for these women is they have no obligation or responsibility for whatever happens such as a one-night-stand or just innocent flirting with no intentions of seeking a serious relationship.  Most often, these women are unhappy with themselves and therefore project this on other men as a power-grab.  They may not be in charge of things at home, but feel as though they are in charge outside their domain.  Another type of woman that may use this practice are those that have no respect for their current partner.  The one thing that a single man must ask is “Could I become the next guy going through the same situation?”

Single men are encouraged to avoid these women like the plague on the dating scene, because they usually do this on a regular basis and may have a serious following.  Do not be surprised if these women have 5,000 friends on a Facebook Page with the majority of course being male.  These women may dress provocatively, proudly wear their wedding ring as immunity from being considered for a serious relationship.  One other factor about many of these personality types is that they are so consumed with hoarding attention, they may not know when to sit down.  Single men may encounter these women well into their sixties attempting to remain relevant even though they have passed their prime.  A common selling-point for some of these women is easy-access to sex, especially if the guy is younger.

The main reason to avoid these women has much to do with the baggage they carry such as disrespecting their own marriage, possible kids, and family concerns.  They are usually obligated in some way to conform to a schedule that limits accessibility to them and therefore they may choose to try to dictate the narrative of the relationship and when the best times for meet-ups.  Do not be surprised if these women have slept around or used guys in the past which may mean a potential for some form of confrontation beyond just the scope of the husband.

Never believe a word from the mouths of these women because they rarely tell the whole truth, but cherry-pick the benefits of being with them.  Guilt is another tool they use in order to manage or manipulate single men. In fact, the single man has the power in that he is free and she is not so never allow her to relegate your freedom based on her marital situation in regards to time and resources.

They may speak ill of their spouses in a way to portray themselves as a victim that need to be rescued in some manner emotionally.  You may hear tough talk about divorcing the spouse, but it is rare and highly unlikely, because they are actually comfortable in their current situation despite the angry talk.  Fantasy-fulfillment is another reality of women with this disposition in regards to being with someone based solely on race, endowment, wealth, or appearance.  Yes, it is understandable that marriage does not mean one is dead in the physical sense, but someone compelled by a fantasy usually will find themselves on a perpetual quest for more.

Men that deal with these women may discover all of the bad things in their situation and rarely find out about the positive things that the husbands provide them.  Now, there are also other that may have weaker husbands or in some cases “Cuck-holds” that take charge in the marriage and dictate the terms of the relationship such as conditions in which they can have sex with their spouse.  I have had experiences in the past where married women of this caliber have invited home with them for bedding provided that their husbands could watch.  Needless to say, that was not my thing and passed on the opportunity.

The bottom-line is these women are mainly time-wasters and are notorious for placing personal ads on single dating sites in the hopes of getting a single man they really do not deserve under their current marital status.  A common phrase used is “Separated”, however a legally binding document keeps them with the spouse.  Remember, there is a reason this person is in this situation and comes to you as if you should respect it and go along.  This mess of a life is considered normal to them and therefore they seek someone that can accept this situation as it is presented.  As a single man, you deserve much better instead of getting in the middle of an existing relationship and the drama associated with it.  Telling lies is also a common thread among these personality types, even though some may be honest and upfront to a certain point, but remember a lie has to be told to someone in order for things to work, whether it is you are their spouse.

Now, there are some factors to consider, some of these women may not know any better, others may not care, and yet others may use singles in a way to spice up their relationship.  In any case beware and be safe and avoid the drama.

Family and Friend’s Opinions Count

Jausan Logo Family and Friend’s Opinions Count
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

  

“Republished with Authorization & Consent of Author”   

   The traditional practice of developing romantic relationships in the United States is somewhat universal in the sense that emotional allegiance allows us to go into them sometimes blindly, ignoring the obvious red-flags that may not serve our best interest on down the road. We sometimes assume that a relationship will workout based on the hope and faith drawn from our cultural aspects such as religion righteousness, judicial fairness, and moral social responsibility. Our hope is that a blessing is bestowed to encapsulate the goodness or merits of the relationship while voiding the negative aspects.

Naïve would be the best description of the aforementioned ideal relationship. Unfortunately, life is not an event where we can select only the good aspects of it and expect marginal challenges. Relationships are a vital aspect of our existence and therefore challenges and hardships come with the landscape.

    We may begin a relationship with someone, introduce him or her to family and friends and discover that they may have some reservations. The common reaction for the person presenting their new romantic find is to investigate the rationale behind the reservations. This is the point where many of us discover later that by ignoring or dismissing these concerns could have saved time, heart-ache, and emotional stress.

    Depending on the self-esteem and personal disposition of the individual, the choice can make the biggest difference between success in a relationship or failure. A very defensive posture which is common among younger participants in relationships has more to do with being judged or criticized for his or her choice in a potential love interest. The problem with this disposition is that it is commonly perceived as a personal attack. When reservations by family and friends are taken in this manner, the person may decide to either void their opinions, or view them as adversaries attempting to ruin happiness. Also, his or her perception could be that of not receiving credit for a decision being made independent of family and friends. Rejection becomes the thought in the sense of not only rejecting the partner he or she selected, but them as well.

     The usual result from this perception can lead to a self-imposed isolation between the new couple from family and friends. This may develop into an emotional comfort-zone temporarily, but could lead to further isolation if there are other motivations by the partner that serves his or her self-interest more so than benefiting the couple as a whole.

    What many people fail to realize is that someone else has experienced the same difficulties in establishing relationships, but may or may not be available as a reference. Friends and family members that may have had the experience may not have the opportunity to share and therefore the individual may have to reinvent the wheel and undergo a lot of unnecessary drama stemming from not listening.

    Love is an emotional experience and we are cultivated to focus more on that aspect than on the rational requirements in order to make a relationship function. The“Us against the world!” approach seems like a great underdog story that is perpetuated throughout American culture, but the designation of adversaries is where sometimes couples get it totally wrong. Families and friends may pick up on certain characteristics in personality, demeanor, disposition, or attitude from the person selected and may want to point these things out early.

    After the self-imposed isolation is implemented and family and friends are no longer the people life is share with, but people that are treated almost like strangers, the partner is at liberty to impose his or her will to some degree. The partner could then impose barriers against him or her developing other relationships or even dictating who is approved and who is not.

    This is where the relationship style comes into play. A command-and-control relationship means that one of the two parties takes the lead without question. Many women find themselves in these types of relationships more so than men. Religious doctrine may also add to the validity of this relationship style that allows the male partner to dictate the dress, diet, social interactions, and liberties given the female partner. Sometimes women that have been in households that had this type of structure may consider this normal and would fall in conflict with others have opposing views. Women are usually given a place and tasks that fall into a gender specific role. Problem occurs when the women attempt to challenge the authority, choices, or decisions made by the male member. The repercussions can range from arguments to domestic violence, depending on the escalation variables. More often than not women that fail to comply to the command-and-control model may either leave the relationship or cope with it using passive-aggressive behavior. Those that comply in this environment may find themselves attempting to go out their way to please the male partner. In some cases, the introduction of extramarital activity may be introduced.

     The critical eyes of objective friends and family members could see the potential flaws to a relationship of this nature from the beginning. The family and friends may also become the very people to clean up the mess after she has left him. For this reason, women would be wise never to severe the ties to family and friends when first getting involved in a relationship. Furthermore, if the male partner is supporting and encouraging this behavior on your behalf, a second thought is also the best bet. There is no merit to pursue happiness through abuse or disrespect.

     Women that impose the command-and-control approach to dating men are commonly economically based, but not always. Men may undergo the same ridicule as women would as the weaker member of the relationship. The main distinction is that the male is commonly marginalized lower than a female in the same circumstance. He is respected for male functions and little else besides sexual gratification and remaining a piece of kept arm-candy. This may seem like a harsh stereo-type, but this type of male does not receive the sympathy by society or family, and friends because of his gender. In the social sense he has abdicated is gender role as provider to assume the role of dependent. Men that have been in these types of relationships may find it harder to re-establish their self-esteem or self-worth because during the relationship the female partner will attempt to strip the dignity away so that he would be of no use to anyone else.

     Even though dating or marrying a wealthy woman may be appealing, the command-and-control relationship with them can be socially compromising and have an adverse impact on his own personal value.

    In both cases the command-and-control relationships have common threads for women and men, control, denial of self-interest, conformity, and putting the other party first. Living in the United States of America, there is little need to have a suppressive relationship when there are governments that are willing to do the same in other nations.

    Exposure is another aspect of the relationship that friends and family attempt to protect family members from in respect to criminal activity and mortal danger. The bad-boy or bad-girl may sound like great stereotypes that promote a sense of adventure through movies and media, but there is a cost associated with pursuing them. The great myth is that these people are smart, no, they are clever. Steve Jobs was smart because he created something. Stealing, robbing, or selling illegal items is clever, because they create nothing, but feed off of the existing work of others. Steve Jobs designed the iPad through hours of grueling work a thief steals the iPad from a store to make a few dollars in comparison to billions if he or she took out enough time to make a comparable product by cultivating his or her skills and abilities. The bad girl or bad boy is nothing more than social short-hand for lazy individual.

    The downside to this appeal is when he or she gets into middle-age and they have very little to show for their efforts in life. A prison record, tales of the way things used to be are rarely valuable in the future.

   These are some of the main reasons for the skepticism that family and friends have about some of the choices we make when it comes to selecting a partner. Even though we may not want to push our pride aside, sometimes it is in our best interest to her them out and understand their concerns.

 

Using Sex as a Tool in Relationships

Using Sex as a Tool in Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

There are people on the singles scene who believe sex is a tool that can trump logic when it comes to conflict, problems, and impasses.  And the sad commentary is that these people take this warped sense of normalcy into long-term relationships.  And the differences between the genders in relation to sex from this perspective are vastly different.  The guy is the hunter and the female is the prey.  Every woman exploits this probability for a man in some way.  However, very few women realize that men have two main focuses with any woman outside family and close friends, 1) to see them naked if permitted, and 2) to sleep with them.  Very few guys will ever confess to this, bur being that I am single, I am will take a bullet for the team LoL.  However, there are some habits from the Premium Sexual Possibility (PSP) that women dangle in front of men at times that makes it into marriages. How many times have you heard a married woman use a sexual act as a favor to acquire items with husband, sometimes jokingly and other times seriously.  The truth is that manipulation and exploitation are part of who we are as humans and therefore routines utilizing these elements in our personalities become an acceptable practice.

Think of it this way, a single female that does not use her sexuality as leverage with men would never consider having to perform a sex act even joking in an effort to acquire the thing she wants and later in marriage those same practices are exercised.  The dynamic is that this may influence her choice in mates such as a partner who can appreciate an independent woman who doesn’t have to use her sexuality to manipulate.  On occasion a joke for sarcasm. may be… but when it becomes part of a routine there may be communications issues or terms within the relationship that may be imbalanced.

It takes a while for some people to figure out that sex is a relevant part of a relationship that eventually tapers-off with age.   We hear all of the exceptions to the rules of course, but by and large couples that have been together for an extended period of time do not engage in the practice as they did in their younger years before or shortly after marriage.  There are many factors that come into play such as kids, work schedules, and disputes that may result from time to time in some sort of isolation.  You hear the senseless argument of couples picking a fight for the make-up sex.  The truth is that if a couple has to go to such an extreme that could be accomplished with a total stranger instead of a loved one.

The shock for many women who base their relationship largely on the sexual aspect is when the male partner cheats or outsources the practice.  Sexual currency does have a shelf-life and there has to be more than sex itself to keep a relationship going as we know, but sex is not therapy because the conflict that existed before going into the bed-room remains outside of it.  One example is if or when a man cheats and instead of dealing with the reason for his infidelity, she falls into competition with the other woman to win him back sexually.

The sexual favors and sexual therapy approaches remain controversial to some women because it smacks of prostitution and desperation.  However, many of the modern independent women have sex with their partner out of love and physical need while retaining their independence, sense of self-worth and personal integrity.

Another issue that comes about with over-sexualized relationships is that over time she gets boring to him due to no fault of her own.  It has more to do with men preferring to see other features, builds, and types of women in the physical sense. An example of this is the estimated 2 billion plus men estimated throughout the world that have looked at adult material either over the Internet or in print.  Therefore, some women are intimidated by the material and fall under the impression that the women being viewed is what is desired.  In some cases that is true, but interestingly enough there are some informal surveys such as results published in the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/cheating-study_n_4032035.html) that counters this argument suggesting that people cheat with less attractive partners.  The implications are that the model types in magazines or on the Internet are dreams instead of realities.

In closing. women using sexual currency to get things may want to review the structure of their relationship and those that use it as a means to appease after abuse may need to seek help.  Statistically, sex only last for 15 minutes according to some surveys and this means some people may interact with their partners and spouses in the same time-alotted intervals when it comes to conflict.  There are many licensed professionals that can assist in resolving issues and these resources are sometimes underutilized.

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?

Should a woman sleep with her closest male friend?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

People fail to discuss this issue, but it was brought up during a recent conversation with a female friend.  She has been single since The Great Recession of 2008 after going through a divorce.  Now, she has recovered financially and emotionally and is ready to date once more.  The difficulty for her is that during the time of her financial and emotional rehabilitation, she met this guy and became very close friends early on.  Now, however she is comfortable with him and his personality, but she used the dreaded FRIENDS word that guys hate to hear.

The problem of course is that their relationship is platonic and never had sexual or romantic overtures and she wants to change that perception of the relationship.  This is a typical situation that some women more so than men find themselves in when trust issues remain in the ether of life after divorces or break-ups.  As with most women, she does not want to be perceived as a loose woman or easy in some way, but she does have her sexual needs.

I explained to her that in any relationship a woman sets the pace in respect to how fast it advances and the limits.  If she is really smart boundaries should be set up-front.  The one thing that women in general should realize is that once a woman classifies a guy as a friend, it translates to “There is no way in hell I will ever sleep with you”.  One rule of thumb I used to use on the dating scene was to establish the friendship word first to put her at ease and to avoid confining myself too early with someone before finding a better match.  However, in this case the gentleman agreed with her about the friendship and never tried to advance.

Now he could be like myself and several other friends I know that hold a woman to their word in respect to converting friends to lovers.  The reason behind this is to quickly label them and move on through the 3 billion or so women in the world until finding a suitable match.  Another reason why most guys do not hang around too much after being called the friend is due to the pet-treatment when the guy is a harmless little toy with an appendage.  There are more than enough guys playing nice as friends waiting for the opportunity to bed their female friend.

I recommended to her not to sleep with him not on moral grounds, but because she only knows him as a platonic friend and not in an intimate way to so abruptly change that situation.  Needless to say, my advice was cast to the side and she did the deed.  Afterwards, she felt really bad and to make matters worse, he changed his number and will not speak to her.  She wanted me to blog about this and give her my suggestion after being beside herself for compromising a friendship.  I’ll be brief.

The reason why he slept with you and failed to resume the friendship has to do with several factors that you would not have any control over.  First he was not into to you sexually, but maybe viewed you as as sister-figure.  Secondly, he is probably serious about some else and you would be in the way. Thirdly, he may not have thought you were that good in bed.  I understand that this may sound rather harsh, but even though you built up a level of trust with him over the years, he wrote you off as a good friend based on what you established early on.  Over time he got to know you better and maybe you also knew him too well for a relationship.  Mystery while meeting someone is one of the thrills of dating.

Also,  better approach is to establish your intentions early on instead of springing it on him because rarely will a guy turn down sex.  There are some people who are better at public relations than with one-on-one interpersonal communications or intimacy.  In any case it was a learning experience.  Each situation is different and therefore you did all of the right things, however remember that if you opt for a booty-call of sorts please do not expect nothing more than that.  More than likely he left because a relationship was not what he was looking for at the time.  It’s not personal just subjective dating.

Dating a Know It All

Dating a Know It All
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

The biggest waste of time when it comes to dating is the “Know it All!” They usually have more answers than they have logic, experience, or research to back them up.  In some ways this compulsion to blurt-out an answer just for the sake of impressing others has more to do with an inferiority complex than anything else.  One thing that most wiser people do is to avoid being the smartest person in the room because they learn more when their mouths are shut than when randomly babbling.

Sometimes this complex come from feeling displaced or being a social outcast in some way.  However, this is not to confuse you with the intellectual that may have his or her facts and figures together.  Even though they may sound a bit wonky and too detailed in their dialogue, at least most often they know what the hell they are talking about.  The Know it All may improvise if he or she is not sure about a certain topic of conversation.  Once they have some sort of a clue they may run with the topic while interjecting phrases and a comments that are irrelevant.  Before going any further with these personality types, ask yourself if you could endure a life-time of this behavior.

Many times Know it Alls do not care to be challenged and would never admit to not knowing something.  One tactic that is commonly used by them is to use trivia instead of history, math, science, or some other discipline to project intellectual superiority.  They are always right in their minds with the attitude that no one especially their partner knows much aout anything.  In fact as the relationship evolves they may marginalize a partner’s intellectual contributions in conversations among friends and others. Both men and women may have this complex.  In some extreme cases you will find what is coined a “Pseudo Intellectual” or that individual who uses big words without understanding both the meaning and context.  They may even mispronounce words without a thought of picking up a dictionary to redress the mistake.  Also, in some cases they may become offended if a partner corrects their grammar to assist them in their public presentation.

Men most often fall into this category even though many women remain quiet to resolve the situation in their heads before speaking.  This is one of the main reasons that women are so quiet sometimes, not because of a submissive disposition, but to listen, interpret, then respond to issues and dialogue.  If you think about it, if a guy gets into a altercation or embarrasses the couple, the female is usually the ambassador to diplomatically resolve conflict.  This is not to say that the roles are never reversed or that women are smarter, the approach to thinhs are different.

There is one other thing about the Know it All personality type, they like to hear themselves speak correctly or not.  The fact of the matter is that rejection and constructive criticism are viewed as a personal attack and grossly unacceptable and therefore they become entrenched in their position.  Good luck with marrying and trying to wait them out for change.  This is an issue that they may have to deal with until they find someone who can actually endure this behavior.

 

Female Insecurities that Men Should Respect

Female Insecurities that Men Should Respect
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Good relationships are hard to come by and even harder to maintain in this time of economic turmoil. During the crisis as financial matters tightened, couples argued and probably said some hurtful things as husbands remained out of work for extended periods and wives questioned whether or not they would make it. Occasionally, during arguments some things are said that can be forgiven, but not forgotten. As most men know, women are very sensitive about three things in the United States, their weight, physical attractiveness, and age.

Another woman using these issues in a hurtful manner is mean, but it has less of an impact than hearing derogatory things from a man. The rationale behind this has more to do with culture than gender because if women were more supportive of others, there would be more of them in high-profile positions. In many ways the gender is split culturally between progressives and conservative passives. This situation has existed for decades. This is not a reflection on women as a whole because there is much diversity in opinions and views and the population remains divided on issues. Without going to a deep debate about women’s issues, they seem to handle criticism better within the same gender even though being negative remains cruel no matter who says derogatory things.

Men are in many powerful positions in the country and when a man brings up sensitive issues that women are aware of, it cuts that much deeper, especially if he is in a relationship. Calling a woman fat smacks at her self-esteem because society bombards her with advertising that tells her it is not okay to be herself no matter what size. This sensitivity does not apply to all women because there are those that will tell a man to got to hell just like she would with another woman. This has more to do with respect. If a guy marries a woman that is a size 4 in 2002 and is a size 18 in 2012, harping on her to get back to the size when they met could be very unrealistic after kids and stress. Sometimes, guys use weight as a way to justify extra-marital affairs or a reason to bailout of the marriage or relationship. Weight is one of the most common excuses for men to cheat on wives and girlfriends.

Going hand-in-hand with weight is physical appearance that remains a sticking-point for women because they are constantly trying to improve their package to either keep their man or acquire a new one. Plastic surgery, botox injections and the like are extremes used by some women to enhance their appeal whether it’s personal or for the benefit of their men. The fundamental problem for women that focus too much on changing their physical appearance is that they compromise a bit of their uniqueness with enhancements.

A woman should only change her appearance for her own personal appreciation and not to impress or keep a man. Think about it, if a man is asking you to have a boob job or plastic surgery (unless it is a medical necessity), he is projecting his preference based on someone other than you. For this reason many women dislike pornography, not just for the very nature of the product along with the compromised positions of women, but because this may serve as a proving-ground for mens taste in women. He may want his wife to become a Jenna Jamison by losing weight, going to the gym, getting breast implants, you name it. The problem with trying to appease a man this way is that he may find another celebrity that is hot that the wife or girlfriend cannot become.

Age remains another factor for women to deal with that is also associated with personal appearance and women usually hate to give a number. When men cheat on women, it is usually with a younger woman because she represents what his partner used to be at some point. This is about the hardest blow for a woman to deal with when the husband or boyfriend has been unfaithful. She can lose weight, enhance her appearance, but cannot regain her youth. This places her outside the realm of competing to keep her man.

In each one of the three categories, we see one thread, an attempt to control someone in a relationship based on the physical aspects that a woman can rarely control. After giving birth, women do spread, they retain a certain amount of fatty tissue to attract men and as they age the body changes. We all know this, but the guy trying to get his wife to wear a size 4 after several years of marriage. One thing that guys fail to do that is very important before starting a relationship that could lead to marriage is taking a look at the female family members. In many cases the girlfriend or wife may develop like her mother or sister. This is a thumbnail sketch of the way she will look after kids and years of marriage.

It should be solely the woman’s choice to do what she needs to keep her man while making herself happy, but to help her along the guy should not be critical, but supportive.

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get

The Expected Changes in Relationships That Others Don’t Get
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

Throughout life we will meet those individuals to date that friends, parents, and others may not approve of for whatever reason.  Sometimes these concerns are legitimate when it comes to a person’s welfare, safety, or dignity.  And sometimes it may stem from actually losing that individual to another through a relationship.  Change is the toxic word for many people coping with friends, family, and others that relationships with them do and should change.  However, there are some that may feel as though they are entitled to consume the space in the life of the person despite relationships and or marriage.

Disliking someone is usually the justification for many friends, relatives, and family members to stay involved with the mechanics of their loved one’s relationship.  How many times have you seen mothers and fathers attempt to break-up their daughters and sons from potentially viable relationships.  The hardest part for many parents is actually letting go.  This form of letting go is nothing more than a change that parents are not willing to accept based on many of the following attributes:

  1. Their own individual bad experiences in the past.
  2. Judging their children by the failed relationships in the past.
  3. The fear of being abandoned and forgotten.
  4. The loss of control over someone they have had for decades.
  5. Ruining or damaging the family’s reputation by associating with the other party.
  6. Fear of their child being harmed or used by someone for their body or financial means.

Fear of physical abuse or exploitation.

These are only seven of the plethora of concerns parents may have when it comes to their children dating or marrying someone.  If you noticed, all of the concerns are negative and this can be fed in a way that would bastardize the reality in which they face, especially if others with supporting negative opinions put in their two-cents.

Now, of course these concerns are valid and the son or daughter must understand that there is both an element of best interest and an element of personal interest in the outcome.  This means that the potential partners may have to prove themselves as worthy and Yes, in some cases a chance to do so may not become granted.  One element that is common for parents is to classify their children as too good for a certain person even though they have met the social standards and criteria.  In this case a sense of personal vanity on the parent’s part trumps the love that the son or daughter may have for their potential partner.  This is one of the elements used in arranged marriages where the parents knows best and the relationship is nothing more than a peace-offering to merge families together for a greater good beyond the scope of the two people.   To put it mildly this is a pluralistic and selfish approach to implement an agenda that uses the couple as pawns in a larger game.

It should be said that the majority of parents allow their cons and daughters to make their decisions when they are of age to do so; however this parental supervision may bleed well into adulthood if not checked properly.  The challenge for most people in relationships where the potential partner is disliked is much like being an attorney representing an innocent party until proven guilty.  There will be hear-say, assumptions, prejudice, and any other thing that can be used to color opinions.  Most often is there is no fault with the person they may then broaden the scope of contempt to ethnic group, geography, family, history, or any other technicality that promotes doubt.

The son or daughter is now faced with a crisis in many instances to be the mediator between family and friends and potential partner.  This is where many people have difficulty because they do not want to displease those closest to them and do not want to lose a potentially viable relationship that could make them happy.  In all decisions there are three choices 1) Change things for the better. 2) Change things for the worst, and 3) Do nothing and allow time to pass.  The third choice is the most common course of action because it requires little effort and allows the son or daughter to empower themselves as the mediator.  In this case, the keep both relationships, but such a decision is only a band-aid and is very short-term.  A common thing to happen is the potential partner may pressure the son or daughter to fix the issue with the parents or they will move on.  An ultimatum to put it lightly.

Once the potential of losing the relationship is exposed to the son or daughter, he or she may think that the partner is turning against them, but instead they are request that they take the lead in the process of reconciliation to avoid conflict.  Sometimes the potential partner may attempt to address the parents autonomously, but this rarely works because the individual has already been devalued in the minds of the parents.  The frustration comes from the potential partner in the sense that he or she is wasting valuable time in a situation that is not directly related to him or her.

What many people fail to realize is the way the son or daughter handles such a situation may be very telling about the way they will deal with adversity in the relationship or marriage.  While mentioning the  “M” word, some would like to assume that problems will be solved. The only change is that you will be married, but the crater in the relationship remains with the parents and the protection of oe day down the aisle will not give the son or daughter the respect desired.

The larger problem is simple, the parents, family, friends etc. do not have confidence in your own judgment even though many of the things you use in your assessments of mates were taught by some of the very same people so it is more of an indictment on their life-lessons for you.  Also, a common thing that some parents may do is marginalize you and your opinion through the eyes of you as a little girl or little boy even though you are grown.  In this sense it comes down to parents that don’t want to let go.  You should remember that your maturing means that they are aging and getting closer to the grave during to the cycle of life.

Others may try to live vicariously through your relationship to correct some of the mistakes in their lives.  Yet, some parents may legitimately see some short-comings from the partner; however instead of criticizing them since the parents know how important this person is to you, they may be helpful in assisting him or her to recognize and address those issues in a constructive manner.  A good rule of thumb is to briefly look at the relationship objectively and if the rationale does not add up to the accusations then more than likely an agenda is present.

The one thing that may a flawed strategy is to think that your partner is going to fight the fight on your behalf and that the integrity of the team will survive.  So many people have failed using this approach.  In fact more than likely the partner will leave because he or she did not sign-up for family counseling.  Again, another intro into something that would benefit all parties, but as expected this may be controversial and getting family into such an endeavor may prove daunting.  The usual reason for rejecting counseling is largely due tot he fact that the parents see the partner as a the problem and they did not need counseling before he or she came along.

Rumors are another weapon used to solidify their position whether it is truth or a lie, it does not matter.  The credibility of the sources are not placed into question and therefore the number of people can be exaggerated in agreement with their opinion. A forth-coming article will address in more detail dealing with family, and friends.

Study on Sexual Devices & Masturbation

Study on Sexual Devices & Masturbation
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

According to two 2009 Indiana University studies from participants that included national representative samples of American adult gay and straight men and women revealed that during sexual intercourse, vibrator use was a normal activity. The studies also revealed that about 53% of women and 45% of men between the ages of 18 to 60 used sexual devices to sustain or enhance their sexual activities in relationships.

Some other findings from the studies revealed that 1 in 4 of the participants had used a vibrator in the past month.  Also, 70% of the women admitted that they failed to have any adverse physical side-effects from the use of vibrators.  A minor number of complains were reported that expressed temporary skin irritation, genital numbness, and inflammation of genitalia.

Some men used the vibrator for testicular exams. One surprising finding was that men scored higher in regards to stimulation, intercourse satisfaction, orgasmic functions, and sexual desires than women in some instances. Even though this is a small sampling maybe too small to set policies, laws etc., it can be said that sexual devices such as vibrators are not just for lonely women anymore. However, the use of vibrators by women remains a discreet issue that only some women care to admit publicly to members outside of their own gender.  As a foot note Japanese, South Korean, and Chinese women purchase more of these devices than any other population of females in the world.

Masturbation in the United States has been a controversial subject especially when it comes to religious considerations. Today the act is becoming more entrenched in the American culture as movies often reference the practice and recording artists go through    the motions on stage. The taboo nature of the practice still makes some people uncomfortable even though most people begin masturbating in their teen-age years at an estimated 72% according to some accounts.

Both men and women masturbate to discharge stored energy that may be attributed to stress or some other factor associated with hormones. The striking difference between the genders is that men may masturbate to a form of media where as a women may use her imagination more so to reach orgasm. However, it should be noted that according to the studies,  most women would prefer having sex with a real person even though a few preferred self stimulation only for sexual needs.

But there are problems with those women that become accustomed to being alone and masturbating. They have a tendency to create a habit or sexual expectation for the stimulation. This means that they may find themselves having sex with a male or female partner and fall short of orgasm without the stimulation of the device or their own masturbatory practice.

This has caused problems for certain women with their partners from the perspective of their lover failing to achieve the desired goal of making the female orgasm. The one major issue for women while masturbating is the envisioned fantasy that puts them in a place to fully enjoy the moment. Very few of them are like men that can look at a person’ s body and within seconds be finished with a sweaty sock.

Women have sex in layers like peeling an onion until reaching the core. For men sex is most often an act, for women it is most often a process. Some men are immediately intimidated when dating a woman and finding out that she has an array of pleasure toys. The size of the toys are commonly the most intimidating for some guys when comparing their appendages. Some perceive themselves as a gimp when it comes to pleasing a woman with a device. However, women that reveal to their men for the first time that they have toys run the risk of running them off or making them ready to work with her. For this reason most women keep this situation a secret until later, meaning instead of getting rid of the device they place them in storage just in case the guy is lousy in bed. There is a vast array of these devices on the market  and prices continue to rise as demand increases.

Women have parties that display the newest and latest devices in efforts to rekindle relationships with husbands and boyfriends, or finding the best device to complete the job. No matter what gender, masturbation is a lonely act that is more self-serving than anything else because the person doing it knows the spot, angle, and speed to satisfy his or her desire. Some people are diametrically opposed to the use of devices not necessarily on moral grounds, but on the premise of self-esteem. The objective mind may be repulsed by an object without feeling or emotion being allowed into places that warrant warm flesh. This is a valid argument, but as women age and find it harder to have sexual desires met with a model with six-pack abs, playing it safe in the comfort of one’s domain eliminates the threats of sexually transmitted disease, the potential for becoming pregnant while fulfilling sexual needs until the right man or woman arrives.

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