The Rationale Behind Catfishing

The Rationale Behind Catfishing
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

Some of the presumptive attitudes about the people who Catfish are spot-on.  Yes, there is a personality disorder of sorts if you think about it for someone to go through the trouble of deceiving others only for the momentary attention and money if they find someone that gullible.  In most cases the people who do this are lonely.  For those unaware of the term, Catfishing is a method of pretending to be someone online only to project a better image of oneself.  In an effort to be accepted or appreciated for who they would like to be. The grim reality is that most often they are not secure with themselves or actually may not like themselves.  However, the most obvious reason for a person to do this is for financial gain or emotional approval.

The goal for these individuals is to leverage their online presence against the desires of other people.  In other words, they would like to be a fantasy for the other person to buy into and expend tangible capital and emotions.  There is no legitimate reason for many people to do this however some do with in the name of using their personality to when over others in lieu of their looks, size, or other physical features.  It is not uncommon for these people to use other images from the Internet to entice potential suitors or love interests.

The overwhelming problem is that these individuals are a gross waste of time, money, and emotional capital.  There is no age limit for people participating in this practice.  The obvious perception is a disorder of some sort.  One of the main problems that cat-fishers have is a strategy upon meeting the people they have duped for so long.  For this reason MTV and other reality shows have capitalize on this fraud.  Most often these people are lonely and in many cases have no friends.

If you’re singling out there on the dating scene, this is one of the absolute worst situations you could find yourself in because there is definitely a prevailing waste of time and any effort to pursue a relationship with one of these people.  You must remember that if you are attempting to have a relationship with one of these individuals the first thing you must consider is that the introduction for you to meet is based on a lie and deception.  Knowing this, there is no upside for an eligible single to get caught under the circumstances.

Another reality is that these people use the Internet and their projected persona as a means of self-aggrandizement and to stroke their own self-esteem.  Confronting these individuals is pointless, just break communications with them and move on to a more productive relationship.

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When Love Cannot Fix It

When Love Cannot Fix It
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

As people we seek a great equalizer of sorts such as a deity, or some other being that will take up our cause and work for our welfare in the hopes of getting some sort of redress and acknowledgment for our good-deeds and sacrifice.  We may encapsulate this quest in the form of love in order to protect us from many of life’s realities.  Our goal becomes to insulate ourselves from hurt or disappointment in relationships.  This means using tools such as denial, half-truths, and even the cloak of love to prevent reality from bursting our bubble.

Therefore, even if we are told by friends and family that we have made a bad selection for a mate, our compulsion is to ignore that fact and improvise based on emotional security in the face of logical solutions.  A sense of teaming or bonding takes place between us and our partners to a point that even if and when we discover the reality our instinct is to ignore it in the name of love.

The word love in general is ambiguous and has little universal meaning even though it is defined in dictionaries throughout the world.  The word is powerful enough to have a woman spread her legs, yet deadly enough to for a man to go to prison for in extreme cases.  The interpretation of the word is the variable that changes throughout the ages.  Think about the various religion denominations in the Christian faith, where other franchises were formed due to the elements of the practice that groups accepted and rejected.  This same subjectivity defines where people live in that if a community is considered bad, you may have a St. Louis and East St. Louis as an example.  Love works the same way, it’s value is determined by the person or persons involved.

This imbalance in value for the term is what gets us in trouble when it comes to choosing, defining, and sticking by a mate.  Hoe many times have you fallen in love with someone and the sentiments were not reciprocated and you wound up compensating for that lack of emotional comfort for your mate?  Now, if you really think hard enough, you saw the signs but ignored them.  Most people will spend more time doing research on mortgages and automobile financing that they do in selecting a mate.  The assumption for many is that God. love. etc. will do all of the heavy-lifting so that you are making the right choice.  However, we do not dare allow such faith to prevail when it comes to financing a tangible item with a banker.

One major flaw in most relationships is the fact that people do not read or want to know the facts.  In other words this means reading the emotional sentiments of a partner or even reading the proper documents or articles that could assist in resolving problems within the relationship. However from a macro-view, the evidence is obvious, our self-interest and pride are more important to prove the family and friends wrong about our partners and to remain by their side in the hopes of a better tomorrow.  The sad truth is we become disappointed when the partner expresses lesser interest in us than we do in them and leaves us heart-broken and swearing that we will never love again until finding another candidate.

The biggest problem that many people have is falling too quickly, too much, and too deep in love with someone that may not feel the same way and in turn we superimpose that deficit in our minds promoting a sense of childish make-believe romance where the fantasy trumps the reality.

 

 

 

Over-exposed & Trying to Date

You may read many articles about those shy people afraid of being on the dating scene, but rarely do you hear about people being over-exposed.  Yes, over-exposure is a serious problem for many people seeking that special person.  More specifically, over-exposure comes about when a person tries too hard to find love through too many avenues i.e. (venues).

You see this when you meet someone on the Internet and find they are signed with every dating service known to man-kind including social media outlets.  However, the sad truth is that some of these people actually make it a perpetual life-style choice to remain on the dating scene without any intention of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I know many of them that began back in the 1980’s and are still out there for some reason decades later without a break.

For some it is a choice because they may be deficient in the attention department and the singles scene allows them the platform to remain in the thick of excitement.  The worst thing that could happen from their perspective is to fall in love and or have a relationship because they view it as a liability.  In some ways they are like the entertainers that were popular once before and attempt to remain relevant throughout their lives.  Simply put, these are the people that do not know when to sit-down.

There is a thrill or rush for some people to meet someone new every week-end; however over-exposure has a cost.  And that cost is being taken for granted by potentially eligible partners.  You make know of someone who is a chronic complainer about not finding the right person even though they are on a date every other night and have their profiles plastered on every singles venue.  Statistically, people remain on the dating scene for no longer than 60 to 90 days.  However, there are those that have been out there for years.  And one bad thing about being on so many sites is the saturation factor.  In essence, the person eventually goes through the extended singles gene-pool.

There are a finite number of people you can meet through any social gathering or Internet venue so, the probability is that these individuals may run into someone that they have dated or slept with at some point.  Once gossip and rumors begin, they are hard to stop.  One raw realism from this situation is that they more often than not become sex objects or booty-calls.  If they sink to this level the beauty and attitude they once used is now replaced with pitiful desperate acts to keep them relevant.

For this reason there is a demand for Cougars by many younger men due to experience, and fewer inhibitions.  This is the demand for the green and blue-veined women to slip on a mini-skirt sans undergarments and hang out with people 10 years or more their junior.  However, it should be understood that many cougars are discreet and may be more visible online than on singles scenes.

The one take-away here is that being over-exposed can result in being exploited and taken for granted when you begin to blend in with the environment too well.

 

On Again Off Again Relationships

On Again Off Again Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

You probably know a girlfriend or guy that may use the term that their relationship is “complicated”.  This translates into words such as “I am not really happy with the current situation, but I am coping”.  Most often people are slow to admit the obvious that they are in a dying relationship.  The usual story is they have decided to take a break from each other.  In many cases the two of them may be putting more into a pointless relationship than it is worth.

The One Again Off Again Relationship is nothing more than an opportunity for one or both parties to seek-out someone else better than their current mate.  Now, it should be understood that it does not translate into automatically dating other people.  However, when his occurs in a relationship some people are of the belief that time away from the person will heal the wounds in it.  The problem remains despite the expanse of time between interactions because the lack of communications during that period allows both parties to use their own devices to speculate on how to deal with their temporarily estranged mate.   This is the premise that is actually set for another break int he relationship in that the expectation for change in the partner has not been met.

A lot depends on which party asks for the break. If a man asks first it may imply that he wants to retain the relationship while possibly seeking out other women.  In the case of a woman, there are two common reasons, 1)  she may want to clear her head of the relationship and  be unattached momentarily or 2) she may leaving the partner in the works for another relationship.  The latter smacks of a larger issue in many cases.

The woman who strategically plans to leave the relationship and uses breaks as a buffer to lessen the blow to the partner tries to ensure that she can step out of her current situation into a far better one.  The hook is that she does not care to burn the bridge of friendship in the event she has to use him for something in the future including returning to the relationship if things go south with her plans.  One thing to note in relationships is that women think strategically and men think tactically or long-term vs. short-term.

One thing that also occurs is a silence in respect to the issues that created the break in the relationship.  Now, there are legitimate reasons for the break besides filling agendas.  Infidelity could be a justifiable reason to break for a man or woman to assess taking the relationship further.  Another would be habitual behavior that puts the health of the relationship into jeopardy.  However, in many cases there are very few reasons for the breaks besides the aforementioned and instead of actually leaving the partner, they use excuses much like a hall-pass in school to not go to the restroom, but hang-out with friends and others.  By terminating the relationship one of the parties can actually make a decision.  What is usually the result of these break-ups is the light-switch approach because a comprehensive cannot be made with love as the excuse to remain. Also, the reasons may become petty and rigid.  This is a weak excuse at best, because love also requires communications and enjoying your partner.  Not only should you love your partner, “liking them” is an essential part that many people over-look.

In essence, you make the choice to be with who you are and therefore as a team it is the responsiblity for both of you to preserve it much like a child that foster mutual interest.

Conditional Love & Your Partner

Conditional Love & Your Partner
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995″
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

We would like to believe that when we find “True Love” as we would care to phrase it, unconditional love is also included.  There is a bit of truth to that assumption; however a person can be loved unconditionally, but behavior, practices, and sometimes words are the terms with the condition when it comes to love.  How many times have you seen the battered or abused person return to their partner and you wonder “What the hell are they thinking?”.  The reality is that many separate the person from the action or behavior and blindly use “Unconditional Love” as the catalyst to remain together.   The telling truth is that often times people may mask this unconditional love in various ways. Think of the person who knows their partner is cheating and yet they continue to turn a blind eye instead of leaving the relationship.

Unconditional Love is one of those elements within a relationship that could easily leave a person vulnerable and besides contrary to popular belief i is nothing more than a pipe-dream.  There are conditions for all of us in some way when it comes to not only accepting the person, but their words and behavior.  Children and pets are the only two beings that may be loved despite behavior because there is not a sense of social responsible associated with them.  If you are mistreated in a relationship by an adult at some point he or she should have learned a lesson along the the road of life.  For this reason as we mature we understand that Unconditional Love is very subjective in respect to religious beliefs or personal moral judgments.

Even loving someone and not loving their behavior, words, or morals have their limitations.  Think of the things that you absolutely could not tolerate in a partner. Most often these limitations are the filters we use in selecting a viable partner.  However, some people may mask these elements of their personalities until on better footing in a relationship.  And many times they post-pone or conceal the behavior in order to acquire the partner they desire and then use the Unconditional Love frame-work to foster guilt and doubt in respect to leaving the relationship.

What usually happens with a not-so forth-right partner is to use unconditional love as a weakness and a gateway to lowering their-self esteem.  The interesting thing is that many of the reluctant spouses wind up capitulating in the name of love and saving the marriage or thwarting the fear of loneliness.  We should not feel guilty for having certain tolerances for behavior or words even and an action-plan should be in place in the form of counseling, or working-out the issues even if it may involve separation.  Remember that anything that causes an argument in your relationship is like having another woman or man in the relationshjp.  Like you it requires attention, like you it occupies time, and like you it needs interaction.

In short, avoid the guilt when a partner tries to influence you to do some that you know is wrong or illegal because Unconditional Love is not acceptable as bail in front of a judge.

Why isn’t my partner changing for me?

Why isn’t my partner changing for me?
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

People sometimes go into faulty relationships under the premise of changing a partner into that desired lover.  You have heard women say “I will need to change this or that about him…”  Unbeknownst to many women and men the “change theory” rarely works because this approach is for children and not adults.  The first mistake is to assume that what you desire is indeed what the partner wants.  Change has to be first internalized  by the partner and not the partner seeking the change.  Secondly, it becomes grossly obvious to a man that manipulation is in play.  This marginalizes the effort to change the person to a personal challenge.  As we men know, when challenged the other party becomes a competitor instead of a partner in this sense.

The competitive spirit puts men into a defiant role and ferments their beliefs and positions.  The obvious agenda for some women is to use an ultimatum especially after marriage.  The thought process is that in order for the relationship to function, terms involving change must be implemented.  Some may even try the ultimatum which is the decision of last resort.

Now men may react differently toward these ultimatums in one of the following manners:

  • Genuinely attempt to change and go along with the request.  This is rare, but does happen under the auspices of love.  However, do not be surprised if he devises an ultimatum for his partner.  In the past I have witnessed these arrangement where the female wants her husband to quit doing or start doing things from in the bed-room to the front yard.  However, one thing that I discovered from interviewing couples is how the ultimatum places a void in the relationship.  A passive-aggressive approach is not out of the question when it comes to responses in the sense, “I will comply, but this qualifies me to seek-out someone without the limitations”.
  •  He may flatly refuse the request and find another woman without having anything else to do with the partner.  These are the no-nonsense guys that may have faced too many ultimatums in the past.  Guys with this disposition may actually change in a way that excludes a demanding partner as a viable mate.
  • Another approach is for a guy to passively-aggressively comply with the request will fostering an agenda to flatten the relationship to nothing more than having a sexual partner and roommate.  In short, he will do just enought for the sex and sexual favors with a lesser than authentic opinion about the partner or relationship.  He will cope with the situation until a better partner comes along.
  • And yet another strategy is the tit-for-tat-trade-off where the woman is expected to make a compromise in exchange.

The one thing that women should understand about changing a man is that not only does the change has to come from him, but it can also be viewed as a power-grab.  More importantly, it can be viewed as a woman treating him like a child.  Now, in any relationship, ther has to be compromise, but it has to be both voluntary and mutually inspired by both parties.  And the absolute worst thing that woman can do is to use sex as a tool to enforce compliance.  Some valid considerations are that a woman may suggest the correction of things that could benefit her partner, in this case such a concern is  valid in the sense of the best interest of the relationship. However, when it comes to addicitions such as porn, drinking, etc. the partner is not a proessional and would be best suited to face the problem with a licensed professional instead of an ultimatum.

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