My State of Independence

I used to be one of those African-American women in the 1990’s that drank the Cool-Aid of only needing a man as a sperm-donor.  I beleived the hype about being the independent single-mom that could do it all by herself.  During that time I was in my early 30’s and had almost eery self-help and motivational book you could think of at the time.  The Oprah Winfrey Show was like religion to me.  When I look back at my life and the poor choices I have made, there is a shame of shame covered by a dying sense of ego.

I tried to work things out with my boyfriend and childrens’ father, but he was a convicted felon and after carrying both him and my family financially, things did not work-out.  It took a while for me to realize that the reason many of the hite women that chose to pursue the life-style of the independent woman, had a support system in place.  They had friends, family, and even responsible men that stepped up to the plate and eventually supported them.  I had nothing more than a professionally unmarketable black man with braids, frustration, and anger that looked good and had a terrific penis.

So, like some black women going into the new century, I decided to scrap my plans of following the social tradition of the black woman sticking by the black man just for historical and symbolic sake  I chose to  specifically find a white guy to give me the life-style me and my children deserved while shaming my ex into taking his place as an insignificant by-stander.  I moved from Compton, California to South Florida after eeting a wealthy white investment fund manager.  It was total bliss for the first three years with international travels, driving exotic cars I could only dream of and living in a 25,000 square-foot mansion.  He embraced my family and extended family, assisting them financially.  I ws a member of many of the social and civic organizations while gaining a good reputation among most of the white elites.

One day I took a friend of mine from Los Angeles to the country-club where I was a member and that is when I had my first reality check.  We were not seated and the manager encouraged me to contact my husband.  Before oing so I asked a few more questions to find out why we were not admitted.  That is when I found out the truth, he did not trust me enough to make me a full member to this exclusive club, but as an associate member based on his approval each time I visited there.  I drove home furious and confronted him.  The conversation was completely unexpected and harsh.  In no uncertain terms, he did not approve of me bringing “those people from the hood” into the fold.  He made it clear that he had done me a favor and literally threw everything he had done for me and my children in my face.

Embarrassed by my girlfriend hearing the some of the conversation, I took her back to the hotel and gave her some money to help her out.  She did not look at me once while driving her there and got out of the car without saying a  word to me.  I could not beleive that after all of the years of struggling an being so clode that our friendship was permanently severed.  On my way home, I began to replay in my head some of the warning signs such as seeing other interrr\acial couples with the wealthier partners and spouses speaking to me while the minority partner turning away or deliberately avoiding me.

A few weeks after that, I was served divorced papers by one of his friends and never saw my husband again until court.  He threw a few hundred thousand dollars to me like I was a hungry dog and on the day I had the movers get my things, he stood at the door-way with his new Filipina sweetheart.  I took y kids and relocated to Las Vegas and since then, I have managed to see them graduate from high school.  Now, I am in my 50’s alone and unfulsilled like that optimistic lady in her 30’s back in the 1990’s.  I find comfort now in numbing myself to love and romance while allowing men that are interested in me to enjoy sex with no string-attached.  My girlfriend now lives here in town, hppily married to a black man that makes a meager living, but loves her.  Mabe, some where along the line, I should have considered the long-term issues and not used my kids as motivation to make the choices I did or my own selfish decisions to expose them to this world.

I can now own my mistakes and have no guilt or remorse when a man I meet on the Internet comes to Vegas to take care of my womanly needs.  Somewhere in my head, I still think they deserve to be between my legs than the bastard I had my children with all those years ago.

Julia S. — Las Vegas, NV



One Girl’s Deep Desires

I have no issues with my sexuality and even lesser issues being nude 75% of my life. By social stereo-types, I should be conservative, covered-up, and on my knees praising Jesus in some non-discript church in the African-American Community.  No, I cannot fit into that mold. I have been called all kinds of names because of my liberal approach to life. As a 36 year-old black woman with no kids, I do what I want.

It was not always that way, I drank the Cool-Aid and was the church-girl to please my family and friends, but when I turned 16 I took the money from my Sweet 16 Birthday Party and bought my first dildo and enjoyed being me I love going commando 24/7 and completely bald down there  My biggest daily thrill is coming home from work, leaving my clothes in the middle of the floor and being naked until I have to shower and dress for work the next day

It is funny listen to my girlfriends talk about how frustrated they are having to roll-over and spread in missionary for their man to cum and fall asleep.  I tried having a resident dick in the house for a few years and it didn’t take long for it to get boring.  He was endowed, but I found more pleasure doing myself the favor  Iknow, my girlfriends think I’m crazy, but it is amazing how they come to visit to taste pussy when they have issues with their men

I am not and never have been interested in a threesome with another man or two men.  I am a Gemini that loves to get some dick on occasion and when he cums he has to go.  In the case of women, the thrill is much longer and better  The most entertaining thought are the things we can do to eachother that they would never do with their men.  They want me to use my strap-on and eating fruit from those special places.

Yes, call me a freak, but that’s cool too.  Maybe I am and I own it.  What really turns me on is when my girls go down on me and tell me how they refuse to give their men head  And for some strage reason, I love the smell of pussy and perfume in my sheets when we finish  When at work the guys stare at my hips, breasts, and ass, and only I know that only hours beforea married woman sucked these breasts, licked this clit, and ate this pussy.  I have no desire to take them from their men, just to enjoy the ride.  So don’t get it twisted, because there are some of us women that love ourselves

Shamika T. — Ocean City, MD




I Married for a Fetish & Not Love

Since my divorce, I have come to realize that the reason why I married my ex-wife was because of one thing, a fetish I had for black women.  Throughout my formative years, my parents always spoke ill of black people because they were viewed as a social threat.  After I was able to unerstand that their hatred was based on fear, I thought that my life would be that change to bridge the legacy of racism in my family.  I began dating black women during my senior year in high school.

By the time I reached college, being with a black woman was the norm for me.  Yes, we received a lot of grief from both black s and whites about our realitionship in Atlanta.  But, I began to notice that the attraction was more physical than anything else.  I rarely had to do anything besides work and the ladies took care of me in every way.  In some ways I felt guilty, because many of them told me that they would never treat a black man that good because they did not deserve it.

I quickly noticed that anything I wanted to do with them in the bed-room was game including threesomes, oral, anal,and more.  They even spoke differently with the higher pitched voice and pseudo correct English around me and my friends.  When I married my ex, it was out of pity and my own selfish desires.  In some ways it raised her self-esteem as evidenced when she would brag to her other girlfriends about being married to a well-to-do white man.  Just to test the waters and see how far I could go with her as I had done with so many others, I only took her out to black venues and dared not to do so among some of my more affluent friends.

I never had resentment toward ayone, but understood that her large breasts, big round butt, and dark choclate skin were the elements she possessed that I could not resist.  The main reason for our divorce came about from an argument when she thought it would be a cool idea for her to dress-up as a slave girl and me dressing as a Confederate General for a Halloween Pary.  I then began to look at her differently from that night forward.  When we met, she wore her own hair.  When we separated, she cut her hair and had a platinum blond haur-weave, fake finger-nails, and blue contact lenses.  Interestingly, if I wanted to marry a white woman, I would not go for a half-ass imitation.

I am happy these days with a wonderful black woman that has my heart and even though she arouses me sexually, there is far more to her than that.  She is an equal partner and someone that has her own defined  identity.

Allan P.– Columbus. GA

How Black Men & Women Disconnect

So many of my girlfriends complain about black men and even more black men complain about the poor choices available among black women.  The truth is there has been too much sugar-coating when it comes to the facts about what is really keeping black men and women apart.

Ladies, one of the main reasons why black men may not be attracted to you is behavior.  Yes, when you go off in the customer service department in Walmart or have to get your point across it translates to masculine behavior.  Now, you may ask what does this have to do with anything?  In a man’s mind, he realizes that you are combative and therefore you are perceived as someone that may not be worth having a relationship with, but qualified to only have sex with.  I have heard this from so many black men about this one particular behavior.  And being loud, rude, and cursing is that stereotype that some men may like for entertainment and sex, but not to come home to every night.

Guys, one of the main things that ladie hate is infidelity and you know that a nice piece of ass is hard for some of you to pass-up.  The problem for most of black women is when a guy does not necessarily want a relationship, but would like friends with benefits and the booty-call.  Sadly, so many black women have been in so many dysfunctional relationships that having a piece of a man is the norm.  Yes, and some of us ladies get pissed when we see a brother with a white woman without understanding why,  As women, we are quick to make assumptions about guys based on the actions we see, but more on intuition.

Here is a scenario that Jausan pointed out that makes sense, so many black women may be the achievers in the household in respect to holding down a job and therefore when we look for a partner most often the educated types are already taken in some way form or another.  The guys left in the dating pool are mostly sub-standard with criminal records, baby mommas, drama, and all that goes with it.  So, a good percentage of us wind-up settling for a piece of a man that is not about anything in the hopes of rehabilitating him.  This rarely happens and it adds to the frustration that fuels the anger when we see a black man with a white woman or with someone of another ethnicity or gender.

Now, Ladies, we have to take on some of the blame, because the nerds we passed up in high school that took time to invest in themselves through education while we chose to go for the more trendy guys was the trade-off years later.  Where things go left for us is when we decide to have children with thee guys early in life and before it’s over another and another until we are socially devalued by more of the male population.  A guy that has invested in his future by taking on risks and educating himself is not selfish, he just wanted more out of life than you.  By the same token, there are women out there that do the same and seek men that are in the same category.

The reason why you see so many successful black men with women of other ethnicities  is because they both have common goals that stretch beyond the bedroom and the present.One thing that black women and black men have in common when dating interracially is that to some capacity they have had enough of what their own ethnic group has to offer.   The old traditions of set-asides or affirmative action dating where a black man or woman is entitled to be with the best within their ethnic group is a thing of the past.  The trend for many African-Americans is to actually get rid of the black stigma or social burden associated with being black.  We would like to call it self-hate, but it cannot be called that because they are actually doing this because they love themselves and not the group as a whole.

I have dated my share of successful and not so successful black men and from my experience, one things rings true, we were limited in many capacities when it came to financial growth and maximizing our quality of life.  I found very few black men making six-figures like myself and discovered that if I were able to find a partner that made what I made with the same goals and values, we could go a long way.  Fortunately, I found him and we arre happy.

Here are the most common deal-breakers for African-American Women:


  1. Guys with no job.
  2. Guys with no car.
  3. Guys with multiple kids.
  4. Guys with criminal records.
  5. Guys with bad credit.
  6. Guys with multiple women.
  7. Guys without goals.
  8. Guys with abusive backgrounds.
  9. Guys that are still hustlers past age 25.
  10. Guys that are either too weak or too dominant.

Here are the most common deal-breakers for African-American Men.

  1. Ladie with too many male friends.
  2. Ladies with too many children.
  3. Ladies with bad credit.
  4. Ladies that have no ambitions or goals.
  5. Ladies that are selfish.
  6. Ladies that have a sense of entitlement.
  7. Ladies that use the vagina as a weapon in the relationship.
  8. Ladies that are loud and constantly seeking attention.
  9. Ladies with too many accessories (weaves, tattoos, etc.)
  10. Ladies that cannot use proper grammar.

As you can see from the focus-groups, there are some similarities and differences among the genders within the same racial group.  However, these men and women would like to find happiness, but these are some of the elements keeping them apart.

In any case, Ladies it is not based on the physical characteristics as much as it is based on lifestyle and behavior.  Guys, the same rules apply to you when it comes to behavior and personal responsibility.