Qualifiers for Cheaters on the Dating Scene

There are two fundamental terms that singles must become familiar with prior to hitting the dating scene “I’m a little married” and “I’m married but looking”.  These two terms are qualifiers for those who are ready to cheat on their partner or spouse.  It is about 50/50 when it comes to the gender of the person that will use this pseudo-cute cliché’.  The single person needs to keep in mind that by using this qualifier he or she does not feel fully obligated to his or her spouse.  This means that there is a good possibility that the marriage serves a less important purpose for him or her.  On the other-hand, this also implies that if you are approached by someone using this qualifier, you are not a priority to them either when compared with their own self-interest.

As mentioned in my blogs and articles before, cheating is a selfish act and therefore the individual is more concerned about his or her welfare first and the others fall in line after the fact.  These individuals are usually trying to avoid domestic troubles at home from a lack in communications in the marriage or relationship and ready to leave with one foot outside the marriage and the other inside it as a mere place-holder.  Rarely do these individuals take meeting a single person on the dating scene seriously.  In fact, it is not uncommon for them to disclose their marital status up-front.  The rationale behind this is to establish that they are seeking satisfaction for the moment and reveal that they are married as a stop-gap measure to avoid any further pursuit of a relationship.  They may take it from flirtation to sexual encounters.  This has more to do with power than anything else.  Most often these individuals want to see if they still have what it takes to get an outsider to want them.  The benefit for him or her is to stroke the ego and to flaunt it in the face of a spouse or partner as leverage in the relationship.

There are some people that do this solely for the purpose of lifting low self-esteem through this form of attention. However, the primary uses of the two terms is to create an incentive for the individual to compete against the spouse or partner at that time for their attention and to feel important.

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Catching Your Partner Cheating Online

When we think of cheating, the thought may often center around finding your partner or spouse in the act. In fact, most cheating and infidelity is conducte online. Yes, messenger services and mobile apps are the newest form of this practice. The primary reason for this is convenience and comfort. The distance and anonimity also helps in this endeavor. The premise for cheating is a lack of appreciation of the other party. It is also evident that the person being cheated on is devalued in some capacity. One common equivalency is the devaluation of men when they lose a job or women when they cannot birth a child for whatever reason. This level of devaluation is used when the other party is viewed as an obstacle to the growth of the other. In most cases these sentiments are more superficial than real in the sense that the grass seems greeener on the other side. The problem is that one of the parties have become too familiar with the situation and therefore seeks a change of sorts and not specifically with the person they are engage with in a relationship.

Boredom is the operative word and mobile devices are constantly used to convey these sentiments. It is not uncommon for a party to disclose all of the problems in the relationship with a total stranger that may not care to deal with the person or the problem outside of the sexual benefits. The more a person tells what is wrong with his or her relationship depicts what they are willing to tolerate. The natural response is to counter the behavior or sentiments of the person’s partner or spouse. The end result is the development of a new relationship with the other person knowing the weakness in his or her new prospect. The stranger or other party is the only beneficiary in this situation because he or she knows the weaknesses of the whole relationship. This is why players are so successful in ruining relationships and walking away scott-free. They have no emotional capital in the venture and only enter into them for their sole benefit and nothing more.

There are a lot of people that just prey off of these abnormalities in relationships, taking advantage of the situation for their own benefit. Most often they can care less about familial issues or the behavior of the partner and only see an opportunity for fresh-meat. You can go to any single site or log into a mobile app and discover a host of married and committed people seeking singles and others to vent frustrations while being entertained. The primary problem with this sort of situation for a person in a committed relationship is that he or she may have higher expectations of the other person than they have intended for them. One thing that is evident is the number of extra-marital affairs that never materialize beyond sexual activity. In short the third-party is fully aware that the same thing that he or she is doing now is more than likely a pattern of behavior regardless of the obligatory denials and assertions that “This is the first time…” Pros on the dating scene see through this smoke-screen because they are more experienced and active than a novice cheating on a partner on the down-low.

The motivation of the guy or girl on the other end of the message or mobile app is to paint a grand picture of a better life. The reality is that more often than nto it is an illusion because the difficulties associated with the new person has not been revealed. So, it becomes like starting over in a brand new realtionship. A true player of this game will mirror the sentiments of the prospect to the point of being the ideal person sought all of thier life. The goal is to be better than the current partner, but not too good as to get into a situation that he or she cannot quickly void. In short the mutual goal is happiness on a superficial level, but neither party would care to admit this truth.

One tactic that some use to catch their spouse or partner is to create a new account and go online with a totally false profile or having a friend to do so. Men use this tactic more so than women in the sense they use the Internet far more. However, there are clusters of women who also use this strategy. The main goal of an individual doing this is to see exactly how badly thya re disliked by their partner. As a person that chose to do this one in my past, the sentiments that was revealed about me was very difficult to endure throughout the three months long period of engaging dialogue. Finally, it came to one night that we were supposed to meet at a restaurant. She was shocked upon seeing me there and I politely handed her a very nice card that said “Good-bye”. Needless-to-say, denial was the first thing that she tried to use. I got into my car and never saw her again to this day. Messages were left about me being deceitful, but I countered with the covert actions she took as mutually offensive.

Even though I thought it was very childish, I learned quickly that life had more to offer than one individual in one city. Intutition is usually right and igoring it only assists in the dance of mis-steps in relationships. From what I gathered from the instant messages, she hated me more than Hitler because in her words, “I was too nice.” Interestingly enough, she married and after several trips to the hospital courtesy of her new bad boy, she emailed me forto arrange lunch. Going against my better judgment, I chos eto meet and the first thing that entered my mind was “What the hell was going on with me?” I could finally look at the situation objetively and understood that she was not worth the aforementioned efforts in the first place. From that moment on, I decided to leave upon the first red flag of infidelity.

Some people like myself value their time over emotional conflict. Now, getting back to you, the best way to avoid all of this madness is to understand that the communications will escalate over time to a point of making plans without you. Yes, it will get to a point that you will become irrelevant and they are solely focused on the individual ont eh other end of the messenger service. Their hope is risk it all for the other person because you are not worth the risk of staying in the relationship. Isolation is a common practice, then youa re treated as if you are contaminated and of course intimacy goes out the door. “We should start seeing other people” is usually the calling card. At this point they have lost all interest in you and the detachment escalates to a point where you to are not even in the same space on any level.

People love to use the term, “I have fallen out of love with you”, in fact they never went that far int he first place in some cases, but instead see others as opportunities and not partners. The downside to this behavior is that as they tire of people, people also tire of them. Think about the number of married people leaving thier spouses or lovers in the hopes of being with someone better. Economics is the first thing that many women use to distance themselves from men, and men commonly use a woman’s build or weight as his easy-out for cheating. The truth is that going into relationships people hope to be the Walmart of love and instead may only have the excitement of a new car until after a year or two.

Younger people are slowing their rate of marriage after witnessing some of the behavior in the past where more than before a considerable number of these young men and women come from divorced or single-parent families. Therefore, many of them may not have witnessed a healthy relationship in their lives, so they have no clue about sustaining one. Cheating can be viewed as a symptom of a larger problem that the perception of you has changed from the perspective of your partner. He or she will more likely than not find others that support her position and use them as the sentiment needed to end the relationship.

One interesting chracteristic is that married women are slower to jump out into a dating situation with someone online in comparison to divorcees and singles. The one type of person to avoid on the dating scene are the time-wasters or those that are married that want to just vent about their situation. The others are the divorcees and in some cases singles that are perpetual daters that just seek out people to sleep with and become winded and dined by. These women and men are usually older and have undergone a lot of situations and now want to just mingle. They are great for sex wasting money and precious time and nothing else because if you get emotionally involved ther is a good probability of being hurt. Whn something taumatic happens in their lives, they usually try to get serious. I think of a situation years ago when a woman I knew enoyed the benefits of being with a gentleman that was more serious about her than she was about him. She teased him about a future together as companions; however, when she became ill she wanted to marry ( primarily to assist in paying the medical bills). Unfortunately, the gentle passed away and left his estate and wealth to the State of California. She suffered miserably before dying.

The sad truth is that we take people for granted and through it all when it comes down to brass-tacks, that faithful person that may be so casually ignored or dismissed may be that green grass after the fields you sought turned brown. On the dating scene over the years I have witnessed this over and over again and even though a partner may have the best laid plans for their lives, they may think that they know better. It i much like the person who makes a hit song, accepts US$10k and sign over North American serial right only to realize that the song grossed over US$200Mil. A fool know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

 

Over-exposed & Trying to Date

You may read many articles about those shy people afraid of being on the dating scene, but rarely do you hear about people being over-exposed.  Yes, over-exposure is a serious problem for many people seeking that special person.  More specifically, over-exposure comes about when a person tries too hard to find love through too many avenues i.e. (venues).

You see this when you meet someone on the Internet and find they are signed with every dating service known to man-kind including social media outlets.  However, the sad truth is that some of these people actually make it a perpetual life-style choice to remain on the dating scene without any intention of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I know many of them that began back in the 1980’s and are still out there for some reason decades later without a break.

For some it is a choice because they may be deficient in the attention department and the singles scene allows them the platform to remain in the thick of excitement.  The worst thing that could happen from their perspective is to fall in love and or have a relationship because they view it as a liability.  In some ways they are like the entertainers that were popular once before and attempt to remain relevant throughout their lives.  Simply put, these are the people that do not know when to sit-down.

There is a thrill or rush for some people to meet someone new every week-end; however over-exposure has a cost.  And that cost is being taken for granted by potentially eligible partners.  You make know of someone who is a chronic complainer about not finding the right person even though they are on a date every other night and have their profiles plastered on every singles venue.  Statistically, people remain on the dating scene for no longer than 60 to 90 days.  However, there are those that have been out there for years.  And one bad thing about being on so many sites is the saturation factor.  In essence, the person eventually goes through the extended singles gene-pool.

There are a finite number of people you can meet through any social gathering or Internet venue so, the probability is that these individuals may run into someone that they have dated or slept with at some point.  Once gossip and rumors begin, they are hard to stop.  One raw realism from this situation is that they more often than not become sex objects or booty-calls.  If they sink to this level the beauty and attitude they once used is now replaced with pitiful desperate acts to keep them relevant.

For this reason there is a demand for Cougars by many younger men due to experience, and fewer inhibitions.  This is the demand for the green and blue-veined women to slip on a mini-skirt sans undergarments and hang out with people 10 years or more their junior.  However, it should be understood that many cougars are discreet and may be more visible online than on singles scenes.

The one take-away here is that being over-exposed can result in being exploited and taken for granted when you begin to blend in with the environment too well.

 

On Again Off Again Relationships

On Again Off Again Relationships
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

You probably know a girlfriend or guy that may use the term that their relationship is “complicated”.  This translates into words such as “I am not really happy with the current situation, but I am coping”.  Most often people are slow to admit the obvious that they are in a dying relationship.  The usual story is they have decided to take a break from each other.  In many cases the two of them may be putting more into a pointless relationship than it is worth.

The One Again Off Again Relationship is nothing more than an opportunity for one or both parties to seek-out someone else better than their current mate.  Now, it should be understood that it does not translate into automatically dating other people.  However, when his occurs in a relationship some people are of the belief that time away from the person will heal the wounds in it.  The problem remains despite the expanse of time between interactions because the lack of communications during that period allows both parties to use their own devices to speculate on how to deal with their temporarily estranged mate.   This is the premise that is actually set for another break int he relationship in that the expectation for change in the partner has not been met.

A lot depends on which party asks for the break. If a man asks first it may imply that he wants to retain the relationship while possibly seeking out other women.  In the case of a woman, there are two common reasons, 1)  she may want to clear her head of the relationship and  be unattached momentarily or 2) she may leaving the partner in the works for another relationship.  The latter smacks of a larger issue in many cases.

The woman who strategically plans to leave the relationship and uses breaks as a buffer to lessen the blow to the partner tries to ensure that she can step out of her current situation into a far better one.  The hook is that she does not care to burn the bridge of friendship in the event she has to use him for something in the future including returning to the relationship if things go south with her plans.  One thing to note in relationships is that women think strategically and men think tactically or long-term vs. short-term.

One thing that also occurs is a silence in respect to the issues that created the break in the relationship.  Now, there are legitimate reasons for the break besides filling agendas.  Infidelity could be a justifiable reason to break for a man or woman to assess taking the relationship further.  Another would be habitual behavior that puts the health of the relationship into jeopardy.  However, in many cases there are very few reasons for the breaks besides the aforementioned and instead of actually leaving the partner, they use excuses much like a hall-pass in school to not go to the restroom, but hang-out with friends and others.  By terminating the relationship one of the parties can actually make a decision.  What is usually the result of these break-ups is the light-switch approach because a comprehensive cannot be made with love as the excuse to remain. Also, the reasons may become petty and rigid.  This is a weak excuse at best, because love also requires communications and enjoying your partner.  Not only should you love your partner, “liking them” is an essential part that many people over-look.

In essence, you make the choice to be with who you are and therefore as a team it is the responsiblity for both of you to preserve it much like a child that foster mutual interest.

Logic of a Cheating Woman

Logic of a Cheating Woman
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California
 

As there are differences between men and women so are various practices including those of infidelity in relationships.  Society gives men passes for such indiscretions, but women are held more accountable due to social norms.  However the motivations may be similar when it comes to infidelity in the sense that it is a selfish act even though some symptoms are empathetic among humans.  A man cheats more out of immediate inconvenience where as a woman does it usually after reviewing the long-term wake of such a decision.

The one thing that men should consider is that when and if a woman cheats, it is commonly something that has been pondered for a while before committing the act.  The premise for a woman to cheat has more to do with emotional neglect more so than a physical need for immediate sexual gratification as in the case with men.  Now, there are those that are impulsive and will act upon compulsions, but not on a grand scale.

Cheating is regularly used as an attention grabber for women in order to retain a certain value as a lady that may have faded in the relationship.  Another view is that women still love to remain sought-after even in a relationship (preferably by her partner).  The sense of feeling unattractive may peak the curiosity for both men and women to see if they still have what it takes to get the person.

In the case of men, they will ride an extra-marital affair until the wheels fall off and accept the challenges if they are or are not caught.  Women on the other-hand usually plan a course of action in the event things go wrong.  This means there is a more comprehensive methodology for their actions to establish a relationship with someone they can trust and someone who is accessible and in a sense exclusive.  Women may go to great lengths such as as having affairs out of town or even meeting others discreetly in strange places to ensure that they are being secretive.   Confidentiality is the word.  Also, it should be noted that if a woman cares to hurt her partner she may deliberately use sloppy tactics to get caught in order to enhance the impact of the trauma.  However, most women rarely go to such an extreme and instead use the affair to regain the emotional strength to assist in fulfilling the void within her.

Infidelity is a totally selfish act by its own merit and therefore people engaging in this practice put themselves first despite the moral implications.  Issues such as disease, pregnancy and other considerations weigh heavy and therefore a particular form of care takes place in selecting a partner outside of the abs and muscles.  One thing that tethers men and women to their primary relationships is the capacity for guilt.  A woman may digest this harsh pill in the framework of her intentions to clearly understand that if caught the relationship is over.  However, when a woman has made the choice to cheat, the act may be more deliberate due to the longer process that leads up to the act.

Another distinction is that a man who cheats expects to be forgiven even though women may be understanding, but not willing to continue.  In some cases it is a relief for the woman when the man cheats to end a bad relationship without fault.  A woman may be less motivated to ask for forgiveness and instead may ask for a divorce.  The male may react to retain the relationship more out of pride in ownership than love.  However this is not the generic case, but a consideration.  Through it all, women have needs as do men and when those needs are neglected there are temptations to stray.

The Motivations for Male Infidelity

The Motivations for Male Infidelity
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

Woman are usually the first party to get serious about a relationship when it comes to mapping out a feasible plan for the relationship to develop and grow. In many instances they fail to realize that one of the primary functions for them in a relationship is to set the pace. However, those that are either too fast or too slow usually wind up alone. One of the main reasons for this situation is the lack of understanding, power, and responsibility bestowed upon them. Let’s look at some practical examples such as the initial stages of the relationship. The first is the physical appeal and the social imbalance associated with it. If a woman classifies a guy as ugly for instance she would have to rely upon the integrity of her character to look beyond the scope of the obvious. Therefore, his personality, charm, wit, and character would carry heavier weight.

Men are polar opposites in this sense being that they are more visually motivated and a woman in a short-skirt, revealing a little skin will create an attraction despite the other features. Now, this is not to say that the attention sought or gathered by this lowest denominator method is the best practice. The fact is that more than likely it works. A man is more willing to make exceptions on facial features for physical attributes. However, in some instances, women may use the same approach especially when older because the muscles may have more appeal than the intellect and or facial disposition. In any case there remains the primal appeal between sexes.

Women that are not aware of the power they have will most often find themselves emotionally heart-broken because a guy likes a challenge of sorts. Remember the competitive male? He is also competitive when it comes to seeking that special woman. The problem arises when the woman does two things that creates a motivation for a man to consider infidelity. Unlike the common stereo-type of just getting another woman for the physical treats, he also needs someone who he can talk to in an appropriate manner. In short, the Second Mommy Syndrome (SMS) when the relationship digresses into a bastardized Mother Son relationship where she becomes a micro-manager. This is one of the most aggravating complains men have with women nagging. The reason for this is because the guy competes at work and is criticized and placed in a subjective position to please the boss etc. Even though women are placed under the same pressures, it is the social expectation of men to endure the issues more so than women. However, it should be noted that women catch their fair share of hell at work, but the burden of being the provider is not assumed as in the case of the male.

When the male partner in a relationship comes home and has to engage in extensive dialogue with a partner that escalates it is comparable to the work environment. The male then perceives coming home like going to a second job with a second boss. For this reason they may choose to take the long way home from work not only to decompress from the job, but to also prepare for the escalation at home. Women may notice their husbands coming home and remaining relatively silent or removed. This is called with-drawing and therefore he feels as though he is not being heard. “Sounds familiar ladies?” The next step is usually avoidance before taking on the disposition that he is stuck in a relationship much like having the room-mate from hell. In many instances he would never say it to his partner, but instead ay find comfort in telling s a stripper or another woman.

One note about guys who cheat to remember is that they have been in a relationship for quite some time, they usually, but not always find a younger version of their partner physically. Men like routines and being that the person they initially started with had all of the physical features, they seek differences in personalities and situations much like a distilled version of their partner. It is not surprising that many of these men will not actually sleep with the other women, but talk about things or engage in activities that have little to do with sex.

The work-place may be a breeding ground for this sort of situation to take place because they are familiar with the people and already have a rapport to discuss some personal matter. This is just a part of human engineering. The relationships develop when two people in similar situations can relate to each other. At some point the other woman becomes a passive ally. The elements that contribute to this sort of distancing for the male is when he becomes marginalized by his partner in front of others. Men rarely humiliate their unless he is a jerk or caught her cheating out of anger. How many times have you heard women say to a neighbor or friend “He is _____” fill in the blank.

The other woman will always out-listen the female partner and this fives her the distinct advantage in that she is aware of the weaknesses and flaws and can take full advantage of the gap in the relationship. Many people would like to blame a tangible person for the problems, but it comes down to a gross lack of communication and respect instead of the other woman.

The second motivation that fosters make infidelity is his own battle in respect to an identity crisis and this is something that both men and women deal with regularly. The perceived wasting of time causes this situation. How many times have you heard people who cheat say they were bored? This has more to do with viewing the relationship as complacent and uneventful. Again, blame is usually cast toward the partner, but in fact both parties gave neglected the needs of each other. Work, children, school, etc. are just place-holders to cover larger issues.

The distinction between infidelity between men and women are stark because women use a bit more planning and strategy in their plans, men on the other-hand go into these situations knowing that they will get caught at some point and therefore the infidelity is the soft-option out of the relationship. Women are more intuitive and may exercise far more caution in their practice of infidelity such as meeting someone totally unrelated to their environment. Men on the other-hand prefer routine in most cases and just want comfort. A woman usually plans for the demise of a relationship when she has decided to cheat. In short, she most often does not care about the relationship because she has terminated it emotionally. Men will attempt to burn both ends of the candle until caught.

Neglect. Marginalization, and Seeking an identity are the common motivations for men which includes not being over-mothered, unacknowledged, and perceiving that he cannot get the kind of women he used to in the past. Blame and drama are only symptoms, the problem remains ole fashion communications or a lack there of in a sense.

What the Other Woman May Know…

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0057_imagesWhat the Other Woman May Know…
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

‘What does she have that has my man going to her?’ is a question that bounces in the minds of some women when they discover that their men have cheated. The one question that should be asked is ‘What does the other women know that I don’t?’. Most often women are focused on how the other woman looks or what she wears. Instead the information that the other woman has about you and your relationship is more important. There are some guys that may reveal to the other woman that he has a woman. However, he may not tell the woman he is in a relationship with that there is another woman. This is a common approach that most men undertake to have one party abreast with the particulars in case his partner or spouse finds out. A safety-net best describes this tactic so that out of the two, he does remain with at least one of the participants. The information that the other woman receives may involve all of the short-comings of the current partner from issues about body-type to far more personal details about flaws in personality or character. The main benefit to the other woman is his blue-print in avoiding becoming more like his partner. She is more aware of his likes and dislikes and knows most if not all of the partner’ flaws. The very things that he should discuss with his partner is shared with the other woman.

As he finds more trust in her listening ears, the benefits are increased in respect to time, money, and attention. Meanwhile the partner is neglected and usually lied to in some way. The first lie told to the partner in respect to the other woman’s benefit is the beginning of neglect in the relationship. Anger is commonly used as a defensive measure for the guy to thwart communications with the partner and therefore qualify the distance in the relationship. Unfortunately, even though the intuition may be present for the partner she may need a bit more evidence to confront him with. During this period, the man will use this to distance himself from the partner and cement the foundation of a stronger relationship with the other woman. The distinction between the other woman and a mistress are vast and yet similar.

The other woman may be involved in a relationship herself and conspiracy between she and the occupied male partner is the biggest betrayal. The mistress is usually single and available and may demand more from the cheating male partner than he can or willing to give up such as cash, material items or even his relationship. The other woman usually works in tandem with the cheating male partner over a specific time-line toward a specific goal. This duo create routines, strategies, meeting-places, and schedules with a mutually acceptable agenda. These relationships are developed carefully over time and are far from the booty-call types of cheating. Sexual compatibility is also another aspect that these two may find to compliment the union. The most obvious avenue for these relationships to develop are in a variety of environments much like any conventional relationship. Most often, women assume that the Internet is the lynch-pin for most of these relationships. In fact this is not always the case due to the fact that these interpersonal liaisons most often begin within regular communities, at work, at church and other venues. The rationale is that trust is required and the Internet is very illusive and what is posted may not be reality.

A man seeking the other woman will have to be with someone he can trust and someone that is very discreet and someone he feels very comfortable around. In some cases it could be someone that both he and his partner knows. There are those men that prefer to have complete strangers in these arrangements and it will take considerable time before developing a serious trust-based relationship. The irony is that he is looking for the same thing in a relationship that he breeched in his own pre-existing relationship. If she is in a relationship or marriage there is a good possibility that she will also purge her dislikes about her situation. The misery-loves-company cliche’ comes to mind in that they both will unite for a cause to be happy and view their partners as oppressors. The two parties may find equity in the union to the point of having him accountable as if they were married or committed.

The weaknesses in their partners lays the ground-work for them to build a relationship from two ruined ones. In some cases, they may even schedule a time to reveal to the world that they are lovers along with their intentions. Others will conceal the union until the very end to avoid criticism and controversy. If the other woman is ever confronted by the cheating partner’s partner or spouse she has enough ammunition to not only hurt her feelings, but to also embarrass her into oblivion for his perspective. The sad thing about these situations is that the cheating partners are only staying in the relationship with their partners for a benefit of having the routine while creating another outside for a smooth transition. Once again cheating is a selfish act and therefore the cheaters in this case are only focused on their happiness.