Over-exposed & Trying to Date

You may read many articles about those shy people afraid of being on the dating scene, but rarely do you hear about people being over-exposed.  Yes, over-exposure is a serious problem for many people seeking that special person.  More specifically, over-exposure comes about when a person tries too hard to find love through too many avenues i.e. (venues).

You see this when you meet someone on the Internet and find they are signed with every dating service known to man-kind including social media outlets.  However, the sad truth is that some of these people actually make it a perpetual life-style choice to remain on the dating scene without any intention of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.  I know many of them that began back in the 1980’s and are still out there for some reason decades later without a break.

For some it is a choice because they may be deficient in the attention department and the singles scene allows them the platform to remain in the thick of excitement.  The worst thing that could happen from their perspective is to fall in love and or have a relationship because they view it as a liability.  In some ways they are like the entertainers that were popular once before and attempt to remain relevant throughout their lives.  Simply put, these are the people that do not know when to sit-down.

There is a thrill or rush for some people to meet someone new every week-end; however over-exposure has a cost.  And that cost is being taken for granted by potentially eligible partners.  You make know of someone who is a chronic complainer about not finding the right person even though they are on a date every other night and have their profiles plastered on every singles venue.  Statistically, people remain on the dating scene for no longer than 60 to 90 days.  However, there are those that have been out there for years.  And one bad thing about being on so many sites is the saturation factor.  In essence, the person eventually goes through the extended singles gene-pool.

There are a finite number of people you can meet through any social gathering or Internet venue so, the probability is that these individuals may run into someone that they have dated or slept with at some point.  Once gossip and rumors begin, they are hard to stop.  One raw realism from this situation is that they more often than not become sex objects or booty-calls.  If they sink to this level the beauty and attitude they once used is now replaced with pitiful desperate acts to keep them relevant.

For this reason there is a demand for Cougars by many younger men due to experience, and fewer inhibitions.  This is the demand for the green and blue-veined women to slip on a mini-skirt sans undergarments and hang out with people 10 years or more their junior.  However, it should be understood that many cougars are discreet and may be more visible online than on singles scenes.

The one take-away here is that being over-exposed can result in being exploited and taken for granted when you begin to blend in with the environment too well.

 

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Dealing with a Selfish Partner

Dealing with a Selfish Partner
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

In the beginning of the relationship there is humble bliss and a perceived love.  Soon you discover that accountability takes a priority over all of the goodies that come with a new relationship.  This is your first glimpse of dealing with a selfish partner.  Accountability means blame is shifted to ward you taking up their space, time, and yes even emotions.  These individuals are very self-oriented and they view their partner not as a person with their own defined merits, but one that views the partner as an accessory to their own hyped image.  The partner is viewed as a commodity or place-holder for vanity.  We have seen this with trophy wives and the boy-toys.  The goal is to get what they want, (the person), the purpose is to enhance their own agenda, and the expectations is a limited life-span for the relationship.  In short these people use relationships as an extension of themselves more so than sharing.

There are some fundamental traits that come with these personalities, 1) they are very centric and may attempt to have the answer to every question no matter how complex, 2) they quickly devalue the opinions of others including facts in order to be correct. 3) they may make plans on your behalf without your knowledge such as scheduling dinner engagements without your consent. 4) they value their things over yours and therefore they are quick to underscore  the tangible items they own.  In short, these individuals have a high opinion of themselves (ego) and nothing or no-one can come close.  In fact some may go as far as having a personal GOD Complex.

A person trying to master a situation with people of this caliber is futile and will more than likely result in either being submissive and going along or being assertive and leaving.  This behavior has been practiced over a life-time and one relationship will not modify this behavior because it is more than likely that their partner is perceived as a fan or flunky.

These personalities usually have a high bar to measure and therefore all will fall short no matter the effort.  This practice is nothing more than the carrot and the stick approach.  People who remain in these relationships may wind up with someone who becomes bitter because their popularity may be limited or lost in the broader context.  These are not bad people, they just have bad behaviors. A man’s ego is impressive to some women initially and them becomes more demanding and demeaning as it progresses.  This is the ideal stomping ground for the marginally powered partner to fall into a passive-aggressive or sarcastic state in respect to their partner.

To put it frankly, these relationships are the biggest waste of time on the dating scene that usually result in Negative Equity Relationships (NERS). They value things and themselves alone over people.

Passive-Aggressive Dating

Passive-Aggressive Dating
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

You meet someone who is sort of into you, a subtle smile accompanied by a serious disposition that seems a bit counter-intuitive.  The person may engage in conversation, but have a reserved demeanor that fosters a speculative stare.  Guys may encounter this when meeting a woman more so than a woman meeting a man because of past experiences totally unrelated to you.  Men are often associated with being rather cavalier in respect to relationships and therefore they may not have the emotional investment that some women may have experienced.  This is not to paint women showing some of these characteristics as bad or unworthy, but possibly emotionally occupied. 

A woman who has been hurt in a relationship usually internalizes the emotional pain as commonly expected by society.  After all, women are responsible for the diplomacy and salesmanship of a relationship because society values this aspect of their personality by and large. We see the appreciation of this demeanor in areas such as real estate where women do exceptionally well in regards to being trusted more at face-value by the public.

However, women also have to manage the emotional experiences that commonly take more time to absorb than men due to the levels of commitment and responsibility. Some of these past experiences may manifest into a passive-aggressive disposition with some of the depicted characteristics mentioned earlier that men pick-up on quickly.  Now, passive-aggressive behavior is in no way gender specific, but most often men cope in relationships where they may not be able to express themselves fully.  And this does not mean being under the thumb of a repressive partner, but in some instances where the opportunity or understanding has been applied to understand this level of expression.  In other words parents may be nervous about explaining the birds and the bees, but fall short explaining about internalized sentiments.

The passive-aggressive female varies in respect to how they handle issues, some may lash-out, while others may repress the situations, and yet others may openly discuss the problems.  The repressive types are those women who internalize the criticisms of past experiences and may have a cold disposition toward the opposite sex.  This means that men in general are viewed as adversaries or opportunists. In some cases you will hear women casually refer to them as Dogs.  The implications are they are cheaters and will repeat the behavior of others based on past experiences.

The passive-aggressive individual may go into a relationship even though there may be lingering similarities to past relationships that failed in the past.  To some degree they may feel as thought they do not deserve better based on 1) the caliber of men they attract, and 2) the lowered expectations of the potential relationship.  Many times women with this disposition are fixated on the bad past experiences and voluntarily carry them forward into the future much like a piece of baggage that may be empty, but because they are accustomed to the weight drag it eight along.  If low-self-esteem is involved then they can personalize the justification to wind up in a like situation over and over.

One approach that is a regularity is to see these women go into new relationships of like circumstances associated with bad experiences to correct or relive a situation to redress and issue totally unrelated to the person or current situation.  These sentiments may be deep and could even extend from childhood.  However one mistake that people make is to self-medicate or try to become their own therapist.  A session with a licensed clinical professional would allow a person to better understand what they are experiencing.

However, the tendency is to in many ways treat the individual with a sense of contempt and disdain in response to past experiences.  Whether you are a man or woman  and notice a negative disposition toward the opposite sex or individuals based on who they may look or act like then you may have your first indicator of things to come.  In short these people usually hold in the anger until there is a flash-point to unleash and the calm demeanor changes much like a horror creature.  This is not to be confused with a bi-polar disorder because in that instance there is a pattern unlike the passive aggressive that waits until a flash-point.

The one thing to expect is a present relationship still lingering in the past.  In case you may be in a relationship with a partner that may not seem to be all there, but reluctantly goes along with your suggestions while remaining reclusive may be a que to have an open dialogue.  You may be surprised by some of the revelations…

The Dating Strata

The Dating Strata
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

 

People are sometimes confused when thinking about who they can and cannot date even though we tell our children to grow-up and be whatever you care to become. However the grim reality is that the world is not a sanitized place and there are variations in all aspects of it which includes the dating scene and other social enterprises. The harsh truth is that some of us will never become a millionaire or a NASCAR driver event though we would like to believe it. Our truth lives within us and reflects the way other sees us from the projection of ourselves we give them. Simply put, everyone cannot eat cake, some will have to settle for cookies or even bread.

Even though we are armed with confidence, pride, charm, and great looks, there remains a social pecking order that reflects the content of our society. This pecking order is largely based on economics more so than much else. The blue-collar guy that goes after the wealthy daughter may be viewed by the family as an opportunist. The single mother seeking and eligible man may be viewed by him, peers, and family as a liability. The bottom-line is that a value judgement is assessed on us by others even when it comes to dating. We base our perceptions on the fears and ignorance we possess. And using alienation is the best practice to protect ourselves from harm. This form of emotional protection comes in the form of a dating strata.

The dating strata is based on seventeen fundamental factors as listed below:

1) Physical Appearance
2) Economic Disposition
3) Race & Ethnicity
4) Geographic Location
5) Education
6) Cultural Background
7) Communication Capacity
8) Character & Integrity
9) Religion & Philosophy
10) Potential
11) Achievements
12) Preferences & Fetishes
13) Correlating Histories
14) Family & Peer Approval
15) Emotional Stability
16) The Least Amount of Negative Elements Associated
17) The Past

As you can see there are about 17 primary factors that people use to filter out others from dating consideration. Therefore, people falling into these categories are perceived to be at different strata in the dating model much like a credit-rating system of sorts. If you notice, Physical Appearance and Economic Disposition are the first two and that is largely based on a regional priority as in Western culture in the sense that being attractive and wealthy as ideal. This perception is branded and sold to us from the commercials we watch (visually) to the music we buy (audibly).  In other societies we would go so far as to classify the practice as brain-washing, but the goal is to project an image, the purpose is to make companies wealthier in our quest to either climb or being perceived as climbing the social strata.

Most commonly, people in the first two categories base their preferences according to gender interest as depicted in item 1) the male bases a lot of his attraction on the physical appearance of the female. However in item 2) the female bases her assessment of the male more so on the economic capacity and capability to provide. The remaining elements in the list apply to largely both men and women according to supplemental requirements.

The filtering process is used as a means to expedite the dating process, but it is also a means to hamper the chances of finding that right person because as the constraints or requirements heighten, the number of eligible types thin out. Unfortunately gross generalizations are used in our society in respect to who is and is not eligible for dating and in what order they fall for certain people. This is of course very subjective and has more to do with self-imposed criteria that common derives from our like for celebrities, and other commercialized aspects of our culture.  “How many times do you seen personal ads where a woman may mention Brad Pitt or some other hunk of a man as a desired type of mate?” When people use a dating strategy called Pairing, many of the items on the list must be identical or match from item 1 – 15.

Pairing is the stream-lined approach to dating in order to minimize the number of people to the smallest group for selection. The problem here is that the circle of people is smaller and therefore it may be harder to find a person meeting both 16 – 17 on the list. This group is usually the wealthier matched individuals and it cascades downward the economic scale.  The down-line in pairing rarely results in a Cross-Paired Relationship (CPR). This is when a person of a wealthier economic class with highly set criteria makes an exception for a lower-class person, but it does happen on occasion but not regularly. It is the exception more so than the rule.

The union of an upper-class and an other class person would be an unpaired relationship in this sense where physical attractiveness and wealth aren’t the main focus even though one party is wealthy and the other is not. The perception of this instance implicates that the other or lower-class person is dating out of his or her league. So, as you can see there are a lot of hurdles to master before finding that special someone. In short, the 17 or so requirements may be set by one person, but another person can raise the stakes even higher.

The sad truth is that none of the 17 actually guarantee a functional or fulfilling relationship. Instead the end result may actually work against an individual seeking true love. We have to remember that these are all objects and not people. The worst thing a person can do is to use a quantitative approach to finding someone special.  A qualitative approach is more suitable in the sense that they can showcase there personality and character in a dimensional way that could easily be overlooked by using a static list. However, some people actually use this process as the very means to determine the viability of a relationship and will endure loneliness and the like to achieve their goal of getting that perceived special person. This may also lead some to become too imaginative and create impossible standards. The endeavor may become a fruitless effort when the unpaired relationship is considered out of balance by other parties. One example would be a 370lb woman seriously seeking a man who is slender and into fitness and a healthy lifestyle. The probability of her landing the guy of her dreams would more than likely require for her to be close to her requirements of him as possible. However, that guy may in deed show interest in her, but her lack of effort to meet him half-way is the barrier for him to consider her seriously as a mate. Unbalanced fantasies are the biggest deception when it comes to dating because the experience is more like reading a novel than reality. So, in the quest of the female example depicted, she may indeed find a guy accepting of the conditions; however she may also realize that the situation is rare and therefore more effort has to be put forth to retain the relationship. This leads to a status-quo dating scenario that will be addressed in the following post.