There are two fundamental terms that singles must become familiar with prior to hitting the dating scene “I’m a little married” and “I’m married but looking”. These two terms are qualifiers for those who are ready to cheat on their partner or spouse. It is about 50/50 when it comes to the gender of the person that will use this pseudo-cute cliché’. The single person needs to keep in mind that by using this qualifier he or she does not feel fully obligated to his or her spouse. This means that there is a good possibility that the marriage serves a less important purpose for him or her. On the other-hand, this also implies that if you are approached by someone using this qualifier, you are not a priority to them either when compared with their own self-interest.
As mentioned in my blogs and articles before, cheating is a selfish act and therefore the individual is more concerned about his or her welfare first and the others fall in line after the fact. These individuals are usually trying to avoid domestic troubles at home from a lack in communications in the marriage or relationship and ready to leave with one foot outside the marriage and the other inside it as a mere place-holder. Rarely do these individuals take meeting a single person on the dating scene seriously. In fact, it is not uncommon for them to disclose their marital status up-front. The rationale behind this is to establish that they are seeking satisfaction for the moment and reveal that they are married as a stop-gap measure to avoid any further pursuit of a relationship. They may take it from flirtation to sexual encounters. This has more to do with power than anything else. Most often these individuals want to see if they still have what it takes to get an outsider to want them. The benefit for him or her is to stroke the ego and to flaunt it in the face of a spouse or partner as leverage in the relationship.
There are some people that do this solely for the purpose of lifting low self-esteem through this form of attention. However, the primary uses of the two terms is to create an incentive for the individual to compete against the spouse or partner at that time for their attention and to feel important.
Men marry women hoping their physical appearance will never change, Women marry men hoping they will change their habits. Both are disappointed and settle for their stubborn and aging spouse. Very simplistic with a hint of truth in there somewhere. Even though we’re using a simplistic model in describing something that’s a little bit more complex it conveys the same message that a values associated based on gender in regards to marriage.
We are taught by tradition to value the institution of marriage. However, this is the premise for this adoration has more to do with the institutions around marriages, such as bridal companies, florist, and other ancillary services. The institution of marriage is commercialize to suit the needs of businesses based on the personal motivation and desires of the participants in relationships. Think for a moment of the costs for funeral, there are more costs associated with free burial services than with actually burying the individual. Making money off of the extreme emotional appeal of people such as happiness upon buying an automobile, a home, or being approved for a student loan remains an incentive for emotional base marketing and sales. This is classified as euphoric marketing when an enterprise can capitalize on the emotional appeal of an individual based on his or her perceived happiness for elation. The same occurs during the grieving after a loved one has met their demise.
There are other pressures that may force us to consider marriage that do not directly apply to our own agendas, appeal, or even plans for the future. We do this more out of pleasing others in society as a whole sometimes more so than for own benefit. We see this in arrange marriages, sacrificial marriages, and yes even shotgun weddings.
The basis for many of our decisions to marry is largely due to an emotional appeal in some way form orr fashion. We may call it love, or what we perceive as love to be the sole motivation behind undertaking such an endeavor. In reality, marriage is a contract between two people to oppose certain level of respect decency and loyalty throughout the process until death or divorce. This means joint financial liability and all of the benefits tax-breaks etc. afforded the couples.
There are various reasons to marry some valid with long-term agendas and others with short-term goals. The premise of this endeavor is to ensure some sort of exclusivity and access denied others during the duration of the enterprise. You may look at marriage as a business in a sense, because with it comes branding, integrity and valves commonly used inadvertently as a mission statement. There is shared liability, exposure to risk, a merging of assets, and legal considerations.
People may spend more time on searching for interest rates on automobile purchases than actually considering the right person to marry. This is one of the aspects of our lives that we assume love will conquer all and in some instances we leave the state of the marriage in the hands of the deity or belief that things will take care of themselves. Of course this is an illogical approach to a life altering situation. So therefore fear of marriage plays a significant role in our decisions to consider such a demanding feat.
Another illogical aspect of marriage is the immediate denial for some to seek counseling based on a poor decision made in selecting a partner. Instead we would like to assume that we did not make a mistake and we are therefore charged with going through with the decision we made whether or not it is feasible to continue. This is where many people wind up in trouble, and in divorce court. Denial plays a big part in the failure of many of these marriages. Not the denial after marriage, but the denial prior to marriage before saying I do or taking the vows. The most important aspect of this denial has to do with the fact of avoiding criticism from third parties and family members about selecting the person you love. The sense of embarrassment may cause us to make irrational or illogical choices for the sake of just being right or not allowing friends and family to win.
In conclusion, marriage warrants more consideration than just and I love you, but a long-term feasibility that will require sacrifice and yet pay dividends. Using marriage is a premise to imply that by doing so life will be better is a grave mistake that is made perpetually by youth generation after generation.
This is the reason why I wrote the article “Reasons to Keep Your Relationship Away from Reality Television” because you have no control in respect to the representation of yourself. However, in this case NeNe drank the Hollywood Cool-Aid in the sense that she had arrived while in more realistic terms she got a foot in the door, but was not fully invited into the room by the power-brokers. Unfortunately, she began to distance herself from the cast a bit too soon bragging at times about her success; but unless there is a stream of projects lined up to establish a viable career, she falls into the same category that many others before her, past and forgotten.
In this situation a sense of graduating beyond the realm of reality television got the best of her and in many ways exposed a side of her personality that existed but came to form for the first time to viewers and others. NeNe is not a bad person in this instance by no means, but the business in Hollywood is that first and people in front of the camera are used specifically to make money. Even though viewers may like the personalities etc, the studios view a franchise or actor that is not bringing in the rating much like an unemployed room-mate that it has to cover each month for the rent.
The Real Housewives franchise and other reality shows are like any business that involves low over-head and higher profits. And in the case of these shows a person’s life become the commodity to draw the public interest to a point of profit and reputation, misrepresentation, and other mishaps are part of the game. The loss of compassion for may of these people is rooted in the fact that they agreed to the terms of being on the show. Even though these shows may only represent a small portion of a person’s life in edited form, opinions abound and perceptions are left unchanged. Blaming the institution that allowed you the opportunity to advance rings hollow when you enjoyed the benefit of doing things that some who aspire but fall short.
The over-all perception of reality shows is that the reality is a portion of your life being exploited in exchange for cash and a bit of fame. Now, think of those people who are in the public-eye that remain private and have careers that place them in front of the camera without exposing the intricacies of their lives. Again, I say reality shows are not good for relationships because there are too many pressures from fans and producers that want more controversy, drama, and hardship for the ratings. The American viewing audiences love to see an accident out of curiosity and thanks it was not them involved, but would never appreciate being in one.
There are a persistent number of women that actually have no intention to marry unlike in the past. In many ways some women view marriage as a burden of sorts. The perception is that not only would another person in their lives is a liability, but also view the reality of being single has more to do with personal independence than anything else. Decades ago when this trend was popular in the 1980’s among men, the perception was that men were being selfish. This trend at the time bucked the tradition of men seeking wives. Now, during the 1990’s the trend was slightly reversed and this could be attributed to the state of he economy at the time.
However,since The Great Recession of 2008 the trend had declined in 2010 according to the United States Census about 50.7%of American men and women are married either with spouse present or absent. Even though the current number of married couples out-number those unmarried means that the popularity of marriage is in decline. There are no solid numbers to comprehend the number of couples that actually divorced or separated due to the crisis. Quantitatively, there are implications that the popularity remaining single among women is becoming more of a reality.
In some ways this may be the first generation of American women that have grown out of the fantasy that has been perpetuated throughout the decades. There are some reasons for this change because more women are independent and due to the economic shift many women are bread-winners. Also, there are a large number of women that are continuing to college and vocational schools to make more money which continues to discourage them from marry a man solely due to economic gain. In some circles women would not consider marriage to anyone unless their partner is a millionaire. Even though that is an extreme measure, the needy financial woman is gradually becoming a thing of the past.
Another result of this trend is the casual nature of sexual relations in that men are taking on a more functional role much like men used to do with women by objectification. “What does this mean?” This will means a totally different family structure and slower population growth within the nuclear family. In fact, as these states wrestle with same-sex marriage legislation, those men and women that use to sustain artificial heterosexual relationships will no longer play a role that impacts the lives of others along with their own.
African-American women is one group hit the hardest with a bubble of single women that have never been married in places like Atlanta, Detroit, New York, and Los Angeles where many of them between their late twenties through their mid-forties. Some are of course following a new trend of dating Caucasian men, however according to many of the informal dating statistics the marital-rate remains considerably lower compared to the marital activity of African-American men with Caucasian women. The reality according to the data from the Census is that there are 600,000 more single African-American women than men in population with at least a bachelor degrees. And there are one million more women within that group actively in the work-force compared to men. This difference is significant because out of all of the groups in the population African-Americans have this imbalance and had it before in 1980. The economic implications are that when a recession occurs as it did in 1980 and 2008, African-American men are seriously impacted by job displacement that not only hits them economically, but also make them far more less desirable to African-American females.
It should be also observed that Caucasians, Asians, and Hispanics (Latinos) are not experiencing similar trends as with African-Americans. There are still women in the dating pipe-line who are bound to traditions that means men must be the bread-winner along with high standards. The problem is that as these women age many of them have the perception that they have the same romantic value as they did when they were younger. In a broad context, they are gravely mistaken when it comes to assessing their romantic value while retaining higher standards for a mate than they themselves can deliver. This is much like the fat woman who expects to land a guy with ripped abs. The problem in these instances is that their personal self-worth is projected on others and they falsely fall under the impression that the same value is perceived and accepted by the other party.
The growing trend now is to expand on freedom and independence first and then look at feeding the emotional aspects in one’s life later while having objectified sex in the interim. This modern single woman in her twenties is more of a realist and less of a fantasy-driven princess. Even though there are some around, the growing number of women are growing up with resources and information to avoid being stuck in bad marriages. The unfortunate aspect is that the women who fail to do this may find themselves in under-performing relationships. In essence, love can cure certain ills in a marriage, but the modern woman of today has more of a macro-view of the relationship and what it takes to sustain them.
Men like myself have used the argument in respect to the benefit of marriage. The reality is that marriage is a liability for men in many cases in that they are responsible for paying a perpetual debt for the wife and children. The advent of the two income household over the past 50 years has now culminated in generations of children understanding that struggling parents are not the ideal representation of living. This is very obvious now as 98% of the United States population makes less than US$250,000. Today many young men and women seek to pursue higher incomes independently. The glamor from reality shows and the like may also play a small part in this desire for independence with many of the shows scrambling to find healthy relationships to represent show franchises.