Facts About Relationships & Traditions

There are some fundamental truths that should be addressed when it comes to relationships and traditions. We would like to accept relationships as this romanticized escapade in our lives based on traditions. The reality is that traditions are commonly set during a certain time and place in social evolution and it becomes harder to sustain as advances occur in social development. In other words, traditions become less practical in time an eventually become more symbolic than essential in society. Think of Santa Claus and the red, white, and black colors used to represent him. These colors of course had more to do with Coca-Cola advertising than with the legends and tales of ole. Now, children can go on the Internet and find out about the origin of the myth and decide to manipulate their parents to plunge into debt to sustain a tradition.

The same smoke and mirror hold true for relationships. It used to be that the man had to be the bread-winner and primary anchor in the relationship, but today that burden is shared and or shouldered by the female partner. These traditions were based on paternalistic terms. However, being that there are more women in population than men, the tide is turning.  Relationships like much of American culture have been packaged as a three-part short-story with a happy-ever-after.  We see this in our motion pictures, because we expect good over evil, etc. because of our cultural upbringing that is closely associated to fables and biblical texts.  However, we can rarely handle abnormalities that are commonly associated with the life experience and therefore place our fate in the hands of higher powers.  In the past this structure meant the woman would lean on the man and the man would lean on the higher power to ensure security in the home.  As we have evolved, our understanding is better through access to information that traditions were based largely on convenience and fear.  People try to affirm their choice in a partner by believing or declaring that it is ordained by a flawless entity.  However, as we know the divorce-rate in the United States is about 50% and therefore that argument is moot  despite getting married in churches and during religious ceremonies.  The illusion for many of us if that our specific choice has some moral validity that is ordained by a higher power and that the rest of society was in some way unfit to be chosen.

Some cultures subscribe to the notion that arranged marriages and relationships serve best for society, but it has more to do with moving the family up in social status than anything else and may not always be based on love.    No matter how we look at it, relationships by their very nature are exploitative according to tradition, men are used for their physical labor to provide food, shelter, and security, women are compromised for their bodies and emotional support.  These two facts are the fundamental basis for relationships no matter how we attempt to color that reality with politically correct terms.  Another thing about traditions is that they are always complimented by justifiable means. Traditions are used as a means to control behavior, outcomes, and manipulate conformity which means control.   “How many times have you heard of the male partner being the bread-winner to make the money and the wife being the intellectual in the sense of budgeting and spending the paycheck wisely?”  This was logical decades ago when the number of men did not attend school, but had a strong back and weak mind.  These things have changed and today couples may have joint checking or savings along with their own private funds.  The days of traditional group-think based on some primal premise are great for stories, but lousy for modern day couples to abide by in the real world.

Yes, there will be those that would argue differently, but these are also the people that are confident that their bedroom activities are sufficient for their partners based on their own perspective and are shocked when it is proven otherwise.  Another issue is the extortion of morality in relationships where the partner may use the moral high-ground to establish themselves above their partner.  The basis for this approach is to justify a distance from the partner morally so if they do make a mistake, they are closer to forgiveness in the moral sense than their partner who is not so close.  This form of manipulation gives the person using the moral high-ground enough space to cheat on the partner without being put under scrutiny.  One thing to remember, a red-flag to discover a cheater is the over-speculative and critical approach they use coupled with  false high moral standards.  The goal is to take the focus off of their activities and place the partner under the microscope.  The would like to remain above reproach and cheat while keeping the partner faithful for their own exploits.  As you can see again this is very subjective as I mentioned about all relationships in the sense that even thought o people are involved and reach an accord, there remains some creative license that are not fully addressed at the start of the relationship, along with interpretations.

This gap in interpretation could be something as simple as cheating.  A woman for instance may view oral sex with another man not cheating because she was not penetrated vaginally by him.  A guy may not refer to sleeping with a woman as cheating in that he may see it as a bodily function to fulfill a need that both men and women share.. It may sound lame, but guys have used it.  Also, tradition gives men a pass for cheating and women are always held to a higher standard.  Again, you see the double standard of it all based on subjectivity.  For this reason, many couples may abode by some traditions, but not incorporate them as absolutes in their relationships in order to retain a balance.  The roles based on gender have changed along with the economic environment that in 2008 showed how vulnerable men are when it comes to job security.  Being called “lazy” has been the traditional social paddle used to keep the guy in the work-place and to separate him from being classified as a loser.  However unfortunate, some men and women that worked hard and honestly lost their jobs were lumped into the loser category even though it was unjustified.  This is absolutism, and unfortunately people left their spouses and partners based on this situation.  Once again this is very subjective.

Relationships have become too reliant on future expectations held in the hopes of others and couples fail to enjoy the “Now” in relationships because there are no obligations by the economy or other systemic factors to ensure that your future together will get any better than today.  Your partner is not responsible for nothing more than you are and if you have gone into a relationship expecting him or her to be the messiah of life then wake up.

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Qualifiers for Cheaters on the Dating Scene

There are two fundamental terms that singles must become familiar with prior to hitting the dating scene “I’m a little married” and “I’m married but looking”.  These two terms are qualifiers for those who are ready to cheat on their partner or spouse.  It is about 50/50 when it comes to the gender of the person that will use this pseudo-cute cliché’.  The single person needs to keep in mind that by using this qualifier he or she does not feel fully obligated to his or her spouse.  This means that there is a good possibility that the marriage serves a less important purpose for him or her.  On the other-hand, this also implies that if you are approached by someone using this qualifier, you are not a priority to them either when compared with their own self-interest.

As mentioned in my blogs and articles before, cheating is a selfish act and therefore the individual is more concerned about his or her welfare first and the others fall in line after the fact.  These individuals are usually trying to avoid domestic troubles at home from a lack in communications in the marriage or relationship and ready to leave with one foot outside the marriage and the other inside it as a mere place-holder.  Rarely do these individuals take meeting a single person on the dating scene seriously.  In fact, it is not uncommon for them to disclose their marital status up-front.  The rationale behind this is to establish that they are seeking satisfaction for the moment and reveal that they are married as a stop-gap measure to avoid any further pursuit of a relationship.  They may take it from flirtation to sexual encounters.  This has more to do with power than anything else.  Most often these individuals want to see if they still have what it takes to get an outsider to want them.  The benefit for him or her is to stroke the ego and to flaunt it in the face of a spouse or partner as leverage in the relationship.

There are some people that do this solely for the purpose of lifting low self-esteem through this form of attention. However, the primary uses of the two terms is to create an incentive for the individual to compete against the spouse or partner at that time for their attention and to feel important.

Love & Crisis

Love & Crisis
  ROMANTIC TRUTH ®
“where fantasy meets reality”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved.
Santa Clarita, California

Couples may enjoy romantic bliss and the trappings of comfort while things are progressing rather smoothly, but fail to consider each members role during times of crisis. It is true that it is difficult to gauge the potential reaction of a partner and therefore it is better to stack the future in your favor in certain cases. During an informal poll of about 15 couples, we discovered that only five of them would remain together if one of the members became ill or was injured in an accident. The common theme among those that would not hang around was that they had lives to live, they did not sign-up for the complexities of illness while others mentioned that they would leave depending on the severity of the illness. However, the interesting finding was that three of the couples had a mutual agreement that if one became ill that the relationship would result in termination. Even though the couples committed themselves to each other, twelve of the couples admitted to having certain conditions that would end the relationship immediately.

  • Infidelity
  • Illness
  • Death
  • Boredom
  • Family Disputes
  • Drugs & Alcohol
  • Seeking a better standard of living with someone else.

Above are some of the conditions given for fleeing a relationship that are solely without compromise.  The interesting reality from the findings was that women more so than men established these terms within the twelve couples.  Another shock was that the three couples that chose to stick it out were together for more than five years and unwed.  Five of the twelve couples were married with children.  Two of the couples revealed that they are together, but outside of the basic interactions between men and women, meaning sex, intimacy, and economic conditions remained parameters that kept them together.  In this very small sampling we can see what is occurring at least among these fifteen couples.  “When asked the question, “How important is the personal pursuit of your own happiness independent of your partner?”, the responses trended as did the overall results meaning that the twelve couples were together for more reasons than love.  The follow-up question was “If you had a choice to leave your current relationship for a better opportunity with some else, would you?”, again the results were the same with eight of the women and one of the men  fell into agreement with all members being from the group of twelve.

The question of sex was brought up, “If your partner was incapacitated and could no longer perform in the bedroom, would you leave or stay?”  No surprises there with twelve couples choosing A) Leave.  When asked verbally about the rationale, the sentiments were the same that life was too short to basically deal with a long-term crisis in respect to denying their own fulfillment.  Ironically, when I flipped the question and asked, “Would it be okay if your partner left you in such a situation, would it be okay?”  All fifteen couples answered B) No.  It did not take a rocket scientist to discover that despite the conditions, each member valued herself and himself over their partner.  Needless-to-say, this brought bout a discussion that triggers a few arguments among the couples.  The fact was they preferred to become the decision-maker over being the party trusting a partner with their fate.

One female participant that deliberately stated and asked me to refrain from using her name mentioned the following, “If his test comes back positive for cancer I will have to go.”  This was a very hard thing to hear as her spouse remained silent and the rest of the group erupted in protest and disdain toward the woman.  The main take-away that I learned from this experience is that love is very much conditional despite words and cliche’.   All parties in a relationships are subjected to a perceived value or worth to the other partner that may not measure up to a level of  warranted commitment.

    Family and Friend’s Opinions Count

    Jausan Logo Family and Friend’s Opinions Count
    J A U S A N ®
    “a private online community since 1995”
    by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
    Santa Clarita, California

      

    “Republished with Authorization & Consent of Author”   

       The traditional practice of developing romantic relationships in the United States is somewhat universal in the sense that emotional allegiance allows us to go into them sometimes blindly, ignoring the obvious red-flags that may not serve our best interest on down the road. We sometimes assume that a relationship will workout based on the hope and faith drawn from our cultural aspects such as religion righteousness, judicial fairness, and moral social responsibility. Our hope is that a blessing is bestowed to encapsulate the goodness or merits of the relationship while voiding the negative aspects.

    Naïve would be the best description of the aforementioned ideal relationship. Unfortunately, life is not an event where we can select only the good aspects of it and expect marginal challenges. Relationships are a vital aspect of our existence and therefore challenges and hardships come with the landscape.

        We may begin a relationship with someone, introduce him or her to family and friends and discover that they may have some reservations. The common reaction for the person presenting their new romantic find is to investigate the rationale behind the reservations. This is the point where many of us discover later that by ignoring or dismissing these concerns could have saved time, heart-ache, and emotional stress.

        Depending on the self-esteem and personal disposition of the individual, the choice can make the biggest difference between success in a relationship or failure. A very defensive posture which is common among younger participants in relationships has more to do with being judged or criticized for his or her choice in a potential love interest. The problem with this disposition is that it is commonly perceived as a personal attack. When reservations by family and friends are taken in this manner, the person may decide to either void their opinions, or view them as adversaries attempting to ruin happiness. Also, his or her perception could be that of not receiving credit for a decision being made independent of family and friends. Rejection becomes the thought in the sense of not only rejecting the partner he or she selected, but them as well.

         The usual result from this perception can lead to a self-imposed isolation between the new couple from family and friends. This may develop into an emotional comfort-zone temporarily, but could lead to further isolation if there are other motivations by the partner that serves his or her self-interest more so than benefiting the couple as a whole.

        What many people fail to realize is that someone else has experienced the same difficulties in establishing relationships, but may or may not be available as a reference. Friends and family members that may have had the experience may not have the opportunity to share and therefore the individual may have to reinvent the wheel and undergo a lot of unnecessary drama stemming from not listening.

        Love is an emotional experience and we are cultivated to focus more on that aspect than on the rational requirements in order to make a relationship function. The“Us against the world!” approach seems like a great underdog story that is perpetuated throughout American culture, but the designation of adversaries is where sometimes couples get it totally wrong. Families and friends may pick up on certain characteristics in personality, demeanor, disposition, or attitude from the person selected and may want to point these things out early.

        After the self-imposed isolation is implemented and family and friends are no longer the people life is share with, but people that are treated almost like strangers, the partner is at liberty to impose his or her will to some degree. The partner could then impose barriers against him or her developing other relationships or even dictating who is approved and who is not.

        This is where the relationship style comes into play. A command-and-control relationship means that one of the two parties takes the lead without question. Many women find themselves in these types of relationships more so than men. Religious doctrine may also add to the validity of this relationship style that allows the male partner to dictate the dress, diet, social interactions, and liberties given the female partner. Sometimes women that have been in households that had this type of structure may consider this normal and would fall in conflict with others have opposing views. Women are usually given a place and tasks that fall into a gender specific role. Problem occurs when the women attempt to challenge the authority, choices, or decisions made by the male member. The repercussions can range from arguments to domestic violence, depending on the escalation variables. More often than not women that fail to comply to the command-and-control model may either leave the relationship or cope with it using passive-aggressive behavior. Those that comply in this environment may find themselves attempting to go out their way to please the male partner. In some cases, the introduction of extramarital activity may be introduced.

         The critical eyes of objective friends and family members could see the potential flaws to a relationship of this nature from the beginning. The family and friends may also become the very people to clean up the mess after she has left him. For this reason, women would be wise never to severe the ties to family and friends when first getting involved in a relationship. Furthermore, if the male partner is supporting and encouraging this behavior on your behalf, a second thought is also the best bet. There is no merit to pursue happiness through abuse or disrespect.

         Women that impose the command-and-control approach to dating men are commonly economically based, but not always. Men may undergo the same ridicule as women would as the weaker member of the relationship. The main distinction is that the male is commonly marginalized lower than a female in the same circumstance. He is respected for male functions and little else besides sexual gratification and remaining a piece of kept arm-candy. This may seem like a harsh stereo-type, but this type of male does not receive the sympathy by society or family, and friends because of his gender. In the social sense he has abdicated is gender role as provider to assume the role of dependent. Men that have been in these types of relationships may find it harder to re-establish their self-esteem or self-worth because during the relationship the female partner will attempt to strip the dignity away so that he would be of no use to anyone else.

         Even though dating or marrying a wealthy woman may be appealing, the command-and-control relationship with them can be socially compromising and have an adverse impact on his own personal value.

        In both cases the command-and-control relationships have common threads for women and men, control, denial of self-interest, conformity, and putting the other party first. Living in the United States of America, there is little need to have a suppressive relationship when there are governments that are willing to do the same in other nations.

        Exposure is another aspect of the relationship that friends and family attempt to protect family members from in respect to criminal activity and mortal danger. The bad-boy or bad-girl may sound like great stereotypes that promote a sense of adventure through movies and media, but there is a cost associated with pursuing them. The great myth is that these people are smart, no, they are clever. Steve Jobs was smart because he created something. Stealing, robbing, or selling illegal items is clever, because they create nothing, but feed off of the existing work of others. Steve Jobs designed the iPad through hours of grueling work a thief steals the iPad from a store to make a few dollars in comparison to billions if he or she took out enough time to make a comparable product by cultivating his or her skills and abilities. The bad girl or bad boy is nothing more than social short-hand for lazy individual.

        The downside to this appeal is when he or she gets into middle-age and they have very little to show for their efforts in life. A prison record, tales of the way things used to be are rarely valuable in the future.

       These are some of the main reasons for the skepticism that family and friends have about some of the choices we make when it comes to selecting a partner. Even though we may not want to push our pride aside, sometimes it is in our best interest to her them out and understand their concerns.

     

    Thoughts on Don Sterling’s Alleged Comments

    Thoughts on Don Sterling’s Alleged Comments
    J A U S A N ®
    “a private online community since 1995”
    by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
    Santa Clarita, California

    I have been rather reserved about my comments about Don Sterling (Clippers Owner). Yes, it was insensitive for him to make those alleged comments. However, I think it was equally wrong for his mistress to use public embarrassment to resolve a private matter. Let’s face it, had she not been going through legal issue with him and his wife, no one would have cared. It is understandable that he may have views and so do we when it comes to certain preferences even though we would like to assume that life is all politically correct.

    However, in this instance, she exploited this opportunity along with African-American sentiments to get back at him more so than anything else about us. I am sure she has heard other things before this tape-recorded incident and chose not to go to the public about it. However, when things are not in a person;s favor, there is no telling how low a person will go to hurt another. Was she outraged when he bought her the Bentley, Ferrari and Range Rover? Probably not. It amazes me when minorities become rich (temporary wealth), they are not so impacted by the nature of beast of racism. It still exist in the hearts of some people, but not as it did when laws were in place to ensure the racial divide. I do not condone his remarks in any way, but just think about the people you despise each day and how you manage to tolerate them long enough to get your pay-check and cash it.

    I am less offended about what he said, because he would say it whether public or private and he is under no moral obligation to anyone to modify his behavior. However, I am more offended by the mistress trying to create a call-to-action because things did not go her way. All of the African-American leaders condemned the man. Think about it for a moment, he is in his 80’s and respectfully what is she doing with him in the first-place? He is well past her senior, married, wealthy, and has her as his souvenir and fantasy. There is no doubt he has views about African-Americans and other minorities and even though we may not life them, many have died for the right for him to speak despite his 18th Century mindset.

    This is a learning tool not just for minority females, but females in general, no matter how wealthy a man is, money will not change his sentiments and beliefs. She took a risk on playing a high-stakes game and in the end lost as the wife prepares to sue her. The most tragic element to this whole thing is that despite all of the comments and trashing, there will be people supporting the franchise. So in retrospect the price was very high for her to pay for the life of luxury, her personal dignity. The short-cut to wealth by sleeping with a guy for his bucks is what guys like Sterling look-out for and understand that the few coins that he shells out to her is marginal to what the wife gets in return.

    At best this is a glorified form of prostitution that ended badly and the race-card is the only weapon she had left to fight-back with in the end. Even if he is racist, the man is 80 something years old and what power does he have over you? Nothing, the players can be traded to other teams or serve-out the terms of their contracts if so desired. Minorities to him may be a necessary evil from his perspective and therefore he exploits them for profit. However, one thing to keep in mind is that even though all of this comes out now, and African-American general manager by the name of Elgin Baylor worked for the Clippers for almost 30 years.

    So before allowing this woman to have a nation serve her agenda, we need to be objective and look at the motivations for it. This is not a racially motivated situation, but one that exploits racism to hurt Don Sterling in his pocket and through his reputation. Again, in now way are his alleged remarks acceptable, but is also not acceptable for a grown woman to use a dispute to garner public favor either.

    It should be noted that Elgin Baylor is suing Don Sterling for being terminated in 2009 based on age and racial discrimination.  As you can see despite the racial over-tones,an extramarital affair leads to this sort of racial tension.

    Why no one responds to my online personal ad?

    Have you ever heard some say that “Online personals are a waste of time?”  I’m sure you probably have.  However, people may over-look some of the most obvious reasons why their online profiles are by-passed.  Both women and men make some mistakes in writing their online presence.

    The one thing that send guys running from the person profiles of women are the photos of their children and pets.  It may seem like a good idea from letting the guys know what they are getting into to establishing their priorities.  The first thing for a guy to think while viewing the image is “Why would she risk exposing something so personal to a stranger?”  The second thing would naturally be to make a decision whether or not to get involved in such an existing situation.  Meeting children and pets should be somewhat like a reward for the special guy that really pans-out to be a good person deserving the introduction after the woman had vetted him as best she could over time.

    Guys make big mistakes by being too sexual or graphic in their personals.  Also, posting pictures of cars, yachts, and the like usually appeal to gold-diggers and jump-offs over women seeking a serious relationship.  Usually younger guys or those trying to be young may spend more time trying to impress.

    One thing that both men and women may want to do to exercise a better opportunity to meet a special person is to do what most people hate, “Write about themselves.”  By writing a concise paragraph about yourself is far more effective than writing the Gettysburg Address as some do.  A paragrapgh consisting of about five lines should be sufficient.  One major complaint is the TMI Complex which is usually a female issue in they may go into too much detail about their personal life too quickly and men may immediately lose interest.

    The photo should be a clean headshot of yourself without items in the background that would give away certain things about you such as locations, places of work or some other readily identifying tool.  The reason why some of these security and safety issues are addressed is because identity theft is a real threat and you should protect yourself at all cost.  This means not sharing information that could assist in finding out about you until you are sure that can trust the individual.

    Besides the convenience of online dating only share enough with the person until getting to know the person face-to-face.  We have watched shows like MTV’s Catfish where men and women fake identities on social networks to lure someone into relationships.  However, you should make it a requirment to meet the person in a well-lit public place and acoid bars, nightclubs and the like.  The goal is to be in an environment where you can learn a lot more about the person.  Give yourself time to know the person well before giving up too much information because it works to your benefit in that sense.

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    Why isn’t my partner changing for me?

    Why isn’t my partner changing for me?
    J A U S A N ®
    “a private online community since 1995”
    by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
    Santa Clarita, California

     

    People sometimes go into faulty relationships under the premise of changing a partner into that desired lover.  You have heard women say “I will need to change this or that about him…”  Unbeknownst to many women and men the “change theory” rarely works because this approach is for children and not adults.  The first mistake is to assume that what you desire is indeed what the partner wants.  Change has to be first internalized  by the partner and not the partner seeking the change.  Secondly, it becomes grossly obvious to a man that manipulation is in play.  This marginalizes the effort to change the person to a personal challenge.  As we men know, when challenged the other party becomes a competitor instead of a partner in this sense.

    The competitive spirit puts men into a defiant role and ferments their beliefs and positions.  The obvious agenda for some women is to use an ultimatum especially after marriage.  The thought process is that in order for the relationship to function, terms involving change must be implemented.  Some may even try the ultimatum which is the decision of last resort.

    Now men may react differently toward these ultimatums in one of the following manners:

    • Genuinely attempt to change and go along with the request.  This is rare, but does happen under the auspices of love.  However, do not be surprised if he devises an ultimatum for his partner.  In the past I have witnessed these arrangement where the female wants her husband to quit doing or start doing things from in the bed-room to the front yard.  However, one thing that I discovered from interviewing couples is how the ultimatum places a void in the relationship.  A passive-aggressive approach is not out of the question when it comes to responses in the sense, “I will comply, but this qualifies me to seek-out someone without the limitations”.
    •  He may flatly refuse the request and find another woman without having anything else to do with the partner.  These are the no-nonsense guys that may have faced too many ultimatums in the past.  Guys with this disposition may actually change in a way that excludes a demanding partner as a viable mate.
    • Another approach is for a guy to passively-aggressively comply with the request will fostering an agenda to flatten the relationship to nothing more than having a sexual partner and roommate.  In short, he will do just enought for the sex and sexual favors with a lesser than authentic opinion about the partner or relationship.  He will cope with the situation until a better partner comes along.
    • And yet another strategy is the tit-for-tat-trade-off where the woman is expected to make a compromise in exchange.

    The one thing that women should understand about changing a man is that not only does the change has to come from him, but it can also be viewed as a power-grab.  More importantly, it can be viewed as a woman treating him like a child.  Now, in any relationship, ther has to be compromise, but it has to be both voluntary and mutually inspired by both parties.  And the absolute worst thing that woman can do is to use sex as a tool to enforce compliance.  Some valid considerations are that a woman may suggest the correction of things that could benefit her partner, in this case such a concern is  valid in the sense of the best interest of the relationship. However, when it comes to addicitions such as porn, drinking, etc. the partner is not a proessional and would be best suited to face the problem with a licensed professional instead of an ultimatum.

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    Study: American Daters Prefer Personality Over Money

    English: Spencer and Melissa, before they star...
    English: Spencer and Melissa, before they started dating. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


    Study: American Daters Prefer Personality Over Money (via Memoirs of a Single Dad)

    Who do you think should pay on dates?  Does money matter to you when dating?  What are your thoughts on this article?  We’d love to hear your feedback! If being jobless is preventing you from asking a girl out on a date, think again. A 2011 survey on American singles revealed that 50 percent of…

    Continue reading “Study: American Daters Prefer Personality Over Money”