Knowing When It Is Over

Knowing When It Is Over
Romantic Truth ®
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California


You are in a relationship and for some unknown reason you go to hug your partner and he or she pulls away. Soon-after, the sex stops and your partner is preoccupied with other things such as the computer, hanging out with friends or just going away without telling you as a courtesy. These are usually the first steps to a break-up. In many cases this exercise is done to create distance and do away with emotional attachment. Later the alienation escalates to the point of distinguishing items that are yours and theirs that were once shared by the two of you.  If you think about it, this in itself is a selfish move and yes, it gets worse when he or she fails to call or even come home.

These are all symptoms of a dying relationship and of course you may want to talk to him or her and maybe they will agree with you doing most of the talking.  By this point the partner has shut-down and may be at the point of either moving out or asking you to do so.  Usually, this distance is a measure of self-preservation that only leads to their fulfillment.  In many ways the silence is worse than any word that could be uttered.  The next phase is the change in attitude and the use of the word “friend” to redefine your role in their lives.  Once this occurs you have been demoted from the relationship to an outsider.   Think of friend as a term used for someone they have never slept with or dated.

By placing you at this distance, they have dehumanized you to a point of making an objective decision.  The premise for such behavior has a lot to do with the perception of missing-out on someone perceived to be better than you.  However, the one thing that people may fail to understand is that other people have tolerances like them.  For this reason people like myself have a no return and no exchange policy.  Think of how many people you have slept with and today they classify you as friend.  The larger question is that “Are those friends that he or she introduced you to during the relationship bed-buddies also?”  For this reason, people are very suspicious about dating others with a lot of friends of the opposite sex.  Guys automatically demote women from prospective wife status when they meet her if she only has male friends.  The rationale behind this is that the guys have either slept with her or would like to sleep with her and are hanging around for their chance.

What is at play in these situations is that the person is seizing “power” and therefore attempting to put the other party into a submissive position where he or she will tolerate terms that they construct to sustain the relationship.  In some cases it may involve a man telling his woman that another woman in the bedroom is a requirement or a woman telling  guy that she wants an open relationship without questions.  In any case a person can be used and abused if they comply and there is no leverage to sustain the relationship at the level before.

Social media is usually the culprit for these snap decisions, but not solely to blame in that by communicating online, he or she can place your relationship back where it was before they dated you.  A clean slate without the emotional attachment and the ability to seek-out the person that you are not.  Yes, the distancing is personal and not based on anything else.   You can wear lingerie, show up naked, do every sex act known to humanity and it still would not matter.  By this time your partner sees you as an obstacle and breaking up with you or leaving you is the ultimate solution.  Therefore, it is best to discover early what is going on and save your emotional capital and leave with the understand that the whole situation is completely terminated.  And besides, friends usually outlast lovers and what would you want a past lover as a friend because if he or she was going to be that in your life, you would have established that well before becoming intimate.




Thoughts on Don Sterling’s Alleged Comments

Thoughts on Don Sterling’s Alleged Comments
J A U S A N ®
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

I have been rather reserved about my comments about Don Sterling (Clippers Owner). Yes, it was insensitive for him to make those alleged comments. However, I think it was equally wrong for his mistress to use public embarrassment to resolve a private matter. Let’s face it, had she not been going through legal issue with him and his wife, no one would have cared. It is understandable that he may have views and so do we when it comes to certain preferences even though we would like to assume that life is all politically correct.

However, in this instance, she exploited this opportunity along with African-American sentiments to get back at him more so than anything else about us. I am sure she has heard other things before this tape-recorded incident and chose not to go to the public about it. However, when things are not in a person;s favor, there is no telling how low a person will go to hurt another. Was she outraged when he bought her the Bentley, Ferrari and Range Rover? Probably not. It amazes me when minorities become rich (temporary wealth), they are not so impacted by the nature of beast of racism. It still exist in the hearts of some people, but not as it did when laws were in place to ensure the racial divide. I do not condone his remarks in any way, but just think about the people you despise each day and how you manage to tolerate them long enough to get your pay-check and cash it.

I am less offended about what he said, because he would say it whether public or private and he is under no moral obligation to anyone to modify his behavior. However, I am more offended by the mistress trying to create a call-to-action because things did not go her way. All of the African-American leaders condemned the man. Think about it for a moment, he is in his 80’s and respectfully what is she doing with him in the first-place? He is well past her senior, married, wealthy, and has her as his souvenir and fantasy. There is no doubt he has views about African-Americans and other minorities and even though we may not life them, many have died for the right for him to speak despite his 18th Century mindset.

This is a learning tool not just for minority females, but females in general, no matter how wealthy a man is, money will not change his sentiments and beliefs. She took a risk on playing a high-stakes game and in the end lost as the wife prepares to sue her. The most tragic element to this whole thing is that despite all of the comments and trashing, there will be people supporting the franchise. So in retrospect the price was very high for her to pay for the life of luxury, her personal dignity. The short-cut to wealth by sleeping with a guy for his bucks is what guys like Sterling look-out for and understand that the few coins that he shells out to her is marginal to what the wife gets in return.

At best this is a glorified form of prostitution that ended badly and the race-card is the only weapon she had left to fight-back with in the end. Even if he is racist, the man is 80 something years old and what power does he have over you? Nothing, the players can be traded to other teams or serve-out the terms of their contracts if so desired. Minorities to him may be a necessary evil from his perspective and therefore he exploits them for profit. However, one thing to keep in mind is that even though all of this comes out now, and African-American general manager by the name of Elgin Baylor worked for the Clippers for almost 30 years.

So before allowing this woman to have a nation serve her agenda, we need to be objective and look at the motivations for it. This is not a racially motivated situation, but one that exploits racism to hurt Don Sterling in his pocket and through his reputation. Again, in now way are his alleged remarks acceptable, but is also not acceptable for a grown woman to use a dispute to garner public favor either.

It should be noted that Elgin Baylor is suing Don Sterling for being terminated in 2009 based on age and racial discrimination.  As you can see despite the racial over-tones,an extramarital affair leads to this sort of racial tension.

The Faulty Wish List of Love

The Faulty Wish List of Love
J A U S A N ®                       
“a private online community since 1995”
by Jausan | © 2014 All Rights Reserved
Santa Clarita, California

In life we may find people attractive and even develop fantasies based on that level of attraction; however things only go bad with these notions when we attempt to do the impractical in practical situations.  How many times has your overweight and out of shape girlfriend mentioned that she wants a healthy and muscular man?  The thought may be an escapism for a moment or two, but more often than not the fantasy will not come true. Within American culture it is easy to combine some of the elements associated with democracy and freedom of choice.  This philosophy is great for political movements, but does not translate well when it comes to relationships in this sense.  Under the cultural philosophy, there is a sense of entitlement, “Work Hard – Get Rewarded”, “Pay Your Taxes – Be a Good Citizen”, “People Who Go to Church Will be Blessed” etc. In other words there is a sense of acknowledgement for sacrifice and effort.  Now, of course this is not always true, but the belief remains so in many ways.   This belief is the parallel that fuses the “I can do, be, or acquire anything I want” philosophical approach from our cultural bias that is superimposed on other aspects of our lives including relationships.  This thought process is where a sense of entitlement prevails that is at best subjective and leaves the individual to devise the criteria for standards and expectations.

You sit back and listen to your girlfriend go on with the requirements for the guy in her life with the caveat that at some point she will begin working out.  In this situation there are some typical practices that prevail, 1) Motivation is sought vicariously through the guy because of the incentive needed to do something to benefit herself.  2) The aspiration may serve as a deliberate goal too far to acquire and therefore justification in the current habits and behavior are justified.  In many instances women with these aspirations for the muscular and healthy types may view being with them as some sort of stamp of approval to become accepted by the contemporary culture.  But, there are those women that honestly believe that who they want also wants them just as much.  It should be understood that men and other women may suffer from the complex.  And this complex is a very centric approach to relationships, “I like this or that  person and they should like me back because I believe so”.  This is a potentially dangerous approach that could lead to obsession or worse if not checked.  The fantasy becomes a wish list of requirements for the other person with the perception that the other party will take him or her at face-value.

There are two common features associated with many wish-list romances, 1) The fantasy takes priority and becomes a vital part to a person’s self-worthy, and ambition much like the ole “White Picket Fench” in American culture to keep the quest to aspire.  In many ways if the concept of hope was not established in the philosophy of the culture, America would be a different nation.  The same holds true in relationships.  2) The person with the wish list may fail to accept reality and even heighten dating standards and requirements.  Now, you may see a pattern forming in the sense that “the wish list is all that I have and it is a part of me”.  Which also conveys, “I am so damn desperate that have to figure out a way to justify being alone that is socially acceptable”.

Sometimes this list is used as a built-in excuse to buffer failure and or disappointment in a broader sense.  In our example about the larger woman desiring the healthier and muscular man, the guy would be the prize, and keeping him would be the challenge.  What usually happens with this form of aspirational dating is that instead of finding the person on the wish list seeking a conventional relationship, he or she finds a mutually exploitative reason to be with that person such as fetishes, etc.  The interesting thing is that many of these relationships actually work as long as the fantasy continues.  If that woman loses her weight then the muscular guy may stray and if he stopped working-out the same would apply.

Through it all, fantasies are great, but living within them to look for love is tricky and most often deceiving.  A realistic approach to love is a realistic pursuit of it which yields positive and tangible results.